Contrary to what some people here think, not everyone likes talking over the phone and hates texting. If someone called me while I was on the way to a date to replan the date instead of sensibly texting me about it, I’d view it as much more obnoxious than texting. I would be thinking something along the lines of ‘why is this jerk making me talk on the phone for this crap’ and would be much more likely to take whatever they said in a negative light. And I know plenty of women who feel the same way.
Setting absolute rules for communication based on the preferences of a random person on a message board is probably not the smartest move you can make.
I use both call and text pretty heavily. If the topic is FYI or a simple Q or a simple context-free choice, and a near-real time answer is not required, then txt is great. If the topic involves a bit of negotiation or where there’s open-ended options beyond A or B, “yes” or “no”, then I’ll almost always call not text.
Why?
Because the back and forth process would take 10-20 texts and still not get to the real meat of why/how we’re deciding on whatever we’re deciding on. IMO/IME for complex communications txt gives the illusion of being quick and easy, while actually being the opposite. You can spend 10 minutes engrossed in pecking at your phone to transmit the same negotiation that 1 minute of live voice can.
The biggest thing our OP flubbed was miscommunicating (or more accurately, non-communicating) his *emotional *perspective. She got the raw fact of his two options; she utterly did not get how he *felt *about them or what they meant to his concept of their date. Nor did she have a practical opportunity to express her *emotional *perspective on her concept of their date. With predictably poor outcomes for both.
IMO/IME many people tend to complete a comm exchange in the medium it was started. Rarely do I see other people, after 2+ txts back and forth with counteroffers, requests for details, etc., say “This is too hard for txt, calling you now.” I do this regularly. It works slick.
Although admittedly this is not in a singles dating context. My last singles date was decades ago.
Same here. I love texting & I like talking on the phone. An exchange like this with potential for misunderstanding or radical departure from original plans is clearly in the “phone call” category for me. For example, “I’m stuck in traffic. Running 10 minutes late” belongs in the text category. “Fuck, I totally lost track of time, I haven’t even left the house yet, I’m so sorry, I’ll be there in an hour” is phone call territory.
But, who knows. I turned 40 last year, so I’m probably totally out-of-touch with kids these days. I’m also one of those people who when texts start getting unwieldy, will call for the sake of efficiency and to curb potential for misunderstanding. Now get off my lawn!
Actually, I think the problem is that she DID get exactly how he felt about the date, that it wasn’t important to him, that he wasn’t especially interested in her personally, and that he’d really rather hang with friends than get to know her, but that he also felt kind of bad about it so tried to make it her decision so he wouldn’t have to feel responsible. I don’t think that semi-cancelling the date and trying to shift the blame onto her would have somehow gone well over the phone. And I don’t think there was any complex information that was missed - dude blew off the date but tried to dump the blame for the decision on her, that’s not really something that’s going to get a good response.
Dude. Call the chick again and apologize for being a jackass. That’s just gentlemanly. Optional, beg for another chance, if you think she is a prospect worth having.
[QUOTE=RickJay]
I could cite some vicious racial stereotypes and ask your opinion on whether or not they’re based in reality but I suspect you’d change your mind damn quick.
[/QUOTE]
Depends on the stereotype. For example, a North American probably does not follow cricket is a stereopty and once which is accurate.
That seems a pretty doctrinaire reading of the OP’s attitude. Possibly correct, and your opinion here certainly seems to match that of the woman in the OP. The OP hasn’t shared what he thought his attitude truly was.
Recall that he and the woman had been acquainted for months. This *was *a first date, but it wasn’t a first meeting. I think a lot of people are skipping over this fact. Which is another way of saying that he probably had a more “we’re friends inching forwards into dating” attitude while she had a “we’re having a first date” attitude.
Agree in either case the two had very different contexts and expectations as they were driving towards that fateful meeting. If this text hadn’t blown up their evening we might instead be having a different thread with broadly similar conclusions over completely different details.
re: text vs. call - the OP indicated that she was likely on her way to the date at the point in time he texted. I’d rather call because if she’s driving, I wouldn’t want to put her in a position of texting and driving to have the conversation.
Which makes it worse. It is backing out of a 1:1 date to fall back on ‘hanging with friends’.
I lost interest in a beautiful but flaky woman many years ago because she cancelled by email - to my work address 2 minutes before I got off - to tell me that her brother had called and invited her to go out of town, and she was going to do that because it was “more fun”. Totally insulting, and then the woman couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to try to schedule another date or why I told her that I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with her. :rolleyes:
Point being, you made the damned commitment, it is the ‘first date’ and unless you’re really sick or your mother died, do not change the plans.