Recent Staycation with Family....think I realized my sister is a sociopath

I convinced my sister and her fiance to come down south for a vacation and visit her older sister and her husband, my girlfriend, and me. We had planned to show her around the area and show her a few things close by (within two 1/2 hours drive at most). I took the week off of work. It was my only week this year, it has been over a year, and it’ll be another year until I get a week off again.

When she arrived she surprised us with the fact that she is pregnant. She told us she was trying to get pregnant for the last month but two weeks ago said she was giving it a break. The very first night she came in her fiance spent the majority of dinner playing on his phone. We wanted to show them around the city but fiance was feeling sick so we cut it short. I got a sour feeling in my stomach - I had majorly miscalculated this visit.

Socio-sister was staying at my older sister’s house. The next morning we meet up for breakfast, very late, and fiance stays home sick. We proposed showing socio and fiance around campus as well as the city. The entire time socio is playing with her phone, as is fiance. She doesn’t pay attention to much and is generally unimpressed or interested. We go to the park with my dogs and socio, fiance and older sister all find the nearest shade and plop down. They continue playing with phones. I mention that maybe we should pay attention to each-other instead of the phones since they flew 1000 miles to be here. Socio say’s not to “start something”.

The remainder of the week involves girlfriend and I trying to find fun things to do that aren’t expensive or intensive. Every single thing is either shrugged off or trudged through with minimal enthusiasm. Girlfriend and I are devastated. We both work hard and don’t have much vacation time. I invite socio and fiance over for dinner and TV/Games figuring that activity is so easy anyone could be happy. She shows up with fast food, mostly ignores me showing her how I make my pizza. Her and fiance barely eat. Fiance plays on phone, texting again, while socio just lays down. Neither is interested in TV or games. At one attempt of playing games fiance actually dropped the controller and started texting.

The last night they are here we come over later in the evening and bring dinner. At this point I’m pretty mad but trying to keep the peace and make one last attempt at a meaningful encounter. They are obviously upset that we have arrived and begin texting each-other. Girlfriend and I finish a few drinks with older sister’s husband and do our own thing since socio and fiance want to watch a movie alone. On their last night visiting. At this point water would steam off me.

And then the explosion. We announce we are going to the store with older sister driving, since we had two beers each. Socio says she will come. On the way back socio is talking about baby stuff and mentions her sorority sister. I mention that the SS was a bit of a whore in college. I didn’t think socio would mind as she had said so many times herself. I was mainly filling in for my girlfriend who hadn’t met her. Socio immediately jumps to sorority sister’s defense, calling me an ignorant asshole and saying SS was a virgin when I met her.

She goes back to her sorority sister’s family tradition of bringing nothing new to the house until the baby is brought home. I asked “from what point, conception?” Socio replies “quit being a fucking idiot.”

Now folks, I’ve had my entire vacation time wasted and ruined by two childish people who I’d thought had grown up in the last two years I’d met them seeing as their rushing into having a baby. So at this point I’m very mad, AND I’ve been called a “fucking idiot” for asking a legitimate and honest question.

I said “I’m not being an idiot, I’m asking from when to when do you not bring anything home, from conception?” She calls me a “fucking asshole”. At this point I completely lose it and rail into her. We get out of the car as we’ve arrived and I say some pretty bile things, admittedly bile, grab my stuff and leave with girlfriend. Girlfriend and I are both pissed. Girlfriend chides me a bit: you were completely right in that argument and if you’d stayed calm everyone would have been on your side. I agree with her but admit I lost my cool as no one would call them out on their bullshit the entire time.

This is getting long and I don’t want to expand too much on why I think she is a sociopath unless anyone is actually interested.

I have decided that I won’t be around her any more. Ever. I don’t need someone that negative in my life. Family or not.

Consider yourself wiser for the experience. Don’t go to such efforts to entertain her again.

I thought there was more to sociopathy than just failure to participate or interact with you as you wanted. Your sister sounds like someone you don’t get along with very well at all, probably for good reason, but that doesn’t make her a sociopath. (You know who else you wouldn’t have gotten along with very well? …)

Sounds like a typical sibling relationship to me. You invited her to come visit, it’s your own mental health that should concern you.

Your reaction seems a bit extreme. One can set boundaries with people and still maintain a healthy relationship on your terms without going nuclear. She and her SO seem to be pretty immature. Recognize that and don’t create false expectations of them. You know they are flakey and rude. So see them when they are around, be polite, inquire about your future niece or nephew, and don’t expect too much from them…and definitely don’t take a week of vacation for them again…but saying you are not going to see them ever again makes you sound like the sociopath in a way.

I was going to chalk this up to just different views on what consititutes a vacation, especially since you had to “convince” them to come but then I read this:

Why would you say this? What does that mean, did she charge money for sex? And then you get upset because your sister was mad that you said this? This statement makes you just seem mean spirited, and that might be why your sister and fiance didn’t really want to do anything with you.

Of course we are. :slight_smile:

No, just that she slept around a lot. I mentioned it simply because socio had mentioned it several times years ago, and thought the story was going to be relevant to this. I wanted to fill in my girlfriend so she’d have context.

My sister has a habit of lying about things so regularly that you start to feel a little nutty around her. My mother had announced on facebook how happy she was for my sister and her fiance to be having a baby. Sister called her screaming that she shouldn’t have posted that until she was ready. My mother then called me and tearfully explained that sister said she could be the one to announce it after my other sister and I found out. She did NOT understand why my sister was upset and was generally confused and hurt. This is a pattern with her.
I get what you are saying Omar but I find that I always end up clashing with her whenever I see her. I just can’t think of one event in my life that she has been pleasant.

Sattua: you’ve got that right. Hopefully I’ve learned my lesson!

Thudlow: It wasn’t that she didn’t participate how I wanted - I should have prefaced this story with the conversations we had about all we wanted to do while she was here. On the phone she was enthusiastic about these things. In person she did half of them, and only begrudgingly. If I had known it would be like that I would not have taken off work and saved my vacation time for something besides playing dead on a couch. I felt incredibly duped.

She has been a pathological liar her whole life. My father on the phone the other day said you think it is hard keeping her lies straight for a week try 18 years. I understand he will not cut her out because that is his daughter, but it must be difficult.

TriPolar it is funny you say that as I had honestly sat down after this and thought long and hard about my own issues with the whole experience. I try to reflect on things like this and see what I did wrong as I know in the end I can only change myself to be happy. I don’t think I was wrong to feel hurt about them not wanting to do anything. Why come 1000 miles to sit at home and your cellphone? And when did a family gathering involve sitting on the couch perusing your cellphone? It isn’t a generational thing either - we are only two years apart. I care a lot about my family and it really hurt me to make the decision to cut her out of my life, but I have tried for many years to make things right with her and she only uses these opportunities to cause me regret. A lot of reflection has led me to understand that I don’t have to punish myself with her company. I have good friends I can have a good time with. Family is NOT obligatory.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

STOP! I love that movie!

I do know what it means, and perhaps I am being a little extreme it is just…I haven’t seen her being anything but manipulative since childhood. And I have been denying it for years as the evidence piled up.

I don’t either. The sister’s behavior is not at all sociopathic, just garden-variety selfish and asocial. Sounds like she’s found the perfect partner, someone who is just as asocial as she is.

You’re probably right and I doubt I could articulate the hundreds of encounters with my sister throughout my life that give me this impression.

She got into greek life and met her fiance through greek life and pretty much only saw the family once a month after that.

When did it become socially acceptable to drop everything and be playing with your phone every few minutes? I’d feel so god damned rude if I did that…

If you can truly convince yourself that the ONLY reason you mentioned her friend was a slut, was to give your girlfriend context, then you’re not being honest with us, or yourself, in my opinion.

None of her behaviour seems anything near sociopathic, as you’ve described it.

Yes, you need to change your attitude, rather than simply cut them out of your life altogether (because they didn’t want to holiday your way, effectively!) You need to stop expecting your sister to be otherwise than she has repeatedly shown herself to be.

Stop wishing she wasn’t the way she is. Give up all hope of her changing. Abandon any inclination to ‘show’ her another way to be or do, this or that. Accept that this IS who she is.

You’ve no doubt tolerated a bad boss or prof in your life. Maturity is, in part, recognizing that which we cannot change, and making our peace with it. Find a way to tolerate and brush off their shit. Don’t let it get to you, etc.

It sounds pretty awful for your single holiday week of the year, you have my sympathy. I wish you Good Luck with all of it!

You are completely right about that. I suppose I misunderstood and thought that she would be interested in the same things. She certainly seemed interested on the phone. She has that way about her where even though she has done things like this many times before I believe THIS will be different.

And about the friend being a slut - it is again, to me, the pathological lying of my sister which confused me. She had joked in the past multiple times about the woman being slutty, and I assumed this would be a story involving that. I was just jumping on the bandwagon I thought, but she denied the woman even had sex in her senior year of college? Give me a break! I heard out of her own mouth that she dumped a boyfriend because he couldn’t fill the schedule. So it was almost a dual insult to me, in that she was going to deny my memory and shame me for even suggesting it.

You invited her because she’s “family”. She came because she’s “family”. That doesn’t mean the two of you actually like each other or that she ever liked the idea of the visit or that these things are really truly obligatory. Societal and peer pressure is a hell of a thing.

You’re right. Just do your own thing, whatever makes you happy. Stop trying to include her when it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be included. She’s trying to tell you without saying it to your face.

Bonus: She was probably carrying on a conversation through text with fiance. One that she probably couldn’t say out loud to your face without causing a bigger fight.

ETA: It also sounds like a “I can talk trash about my friend/brother/sister/family but you can’t because you’re not their friend/brother/sister/family!” situation as to the “whore” comment. Which was pretty low-class to mention anyway. Wasn’t a good idea to bring it up.

“Sociopath” … seriously?

Your sister and her fiance are immature, poorly mannered, and ungrateful and you are a massive drama queen and injustice collector with an apparent tin ear for what irritates people and sets them off. She and her fiance obviously feel pushed by you into this get together and did not want to do it. Most people will be polite and grin and bear it, but your sister is not mature or caring enough to put up that façade and is squirming under what appears to be a lifetime of your judgmental attitude.

You need to stop being a professional victim here and look at the situation objectively. You sister does not like you very much and forcing encounters will probably end in tears.

Yeah, letting go of the past would really help. You’re an adult now, whenever you find yourself referencing past grievances, during difficult interactions with others, or when attempting to explain away your own bad behaviour, you’re committing a big error. Let that shit go already. Look really hard at any desire to hang onto it or continuing need to revisit it. That shits on you, no one else.

I’m not disagreeing with you. Like I mentioned earlier I have other reasons for thinking she’s a sociopath, but I’m probably being flippant because I am so upset by the whole situation. I never pushed her into meeting up…she was enthusiastic about it. That is what confuses me about the whole thing; I thought it was something she wanted. If not…why come? Why not just make an excuse? I never forced her to buy plane tickets and fly here…how in the heck could I do that? But you are right in that I shouldn’t judge her for being her. In the end I was the one being foolish to think the encounter would be worthwhile considering past experiences. I miss having the family altogether and I keep thinking we can all be happy under one roof but I am trying to let that go. I can be happy by choosing who to be around.

Also, what gives you the impression that I have had a judgmental about her life? Up until now I never expressed these things about or to her.

I agree, just harmlessly venting here a little. It has taken me a long long time to realize that my family is what it is and that I’m trying to have my siblings fill a role that my friends already fill. I want us to be close, for whatever reason, but I obviously don’t enjoy being close with my younger sister. It hurts because I’ve always been big on family. I am trying to break this cycle. This seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I can be incredibly introspective on many things, but for some reason it took me until later in life to realize this one.

Revisiting past inflicted ills, is not harmless. Ever. Stop kidding yourself already.

How else do you realize your own mistakes if you don’t review them? It isn’t as thought this happened years ago and I’m reliving it day to day, it happened last week and I was trying to sort in my mind why the time was so terrible.