Reconciling partner's marijuana use (Long, sorry!)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been seeing my partner exclusively for about 2.5 years now. A couple of weeks ago when I was getting my jacket to leave his house I saw a receipt from a medical marijuana dispensary. When I asked what that was for, he balled it up and threw it in the trash. Of course, I had already seen it and read the details by that point.

He was scared like his mom had just discovered his stash or something. I stood there trying to get him to explain, but he was reluctant to say anything about it. I explained to him that I’m not his mom and we needed to talk about this. I explained that I had already figured out what is going on just based on that one sheet of paper and his reaction to it, so he might as well spill the beans. He was still unwilling to say much, so I explained to him that I don’t think it’s that serious of a thing, but I mostly want to know more details and why it was such a secret.

You see, I’m a pretty liberal-minded person and I explained this to him. I mentioned that I had thought about it quite a bit and would even vote to legalize marijuana completely if it ever comes up in this state. But I think people have different perceptions of me. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I barely even like to take OTC or prespcription drugs. I’ve never been preachy to other people and think they should be able to enjoy whatever they want if they can do it responsibly. My choice for never partaking in drugs or alcohol only has to do with a family history of alcohol problems. The problem is that I think too many people read into that as I’m totally anti-everything, which is not even close to true.

I finally got him to explain what was going on. Turns out he used to smoke marijuana regularly long before I met him and he wasn’t doing it when we first met. About a year ago he managed to get a license for medical marijuana use (it’s legal here, and really easy to get the license, apparently) and has been using it since then.

Finally I understood a few mysterious things I had come across in the past several months. First was a giant prescription bottle with the MMJ logo rolling around in the back seat of his car, which I assumed was a friend’s or his, ex step-son’s (complicated story). When I saw this I told him he should throw it away or he’ll get in trouble for having drugs that aren’t his. He didn’t mention anything whether it was or wasn’t his at the time, so I assumed it wasn’t. A few times he smelled ‘smoky’ to me and I mentioned it, but he didn’t explain what it was. And another time I saw a parking ticket in his house for a car he didn’t own, which he couldn’t explain to me. I found out now that he rented a car (his aren’t very reliable) to go to the nearest big city to get a doctor that would give him the MMJ license.

So, I think I’m over the fact that he was keeping this a secret for a year. I understand his motivations in thinking I’d fly off the handle because everyone thinks I’m a goody-two-shoes for some unknown reason. But I had a calm, adult conversation with him about it.

But now that I’m understanding this more, I’m having difficulty reconciling the fact that I think people should be able to do this with the fact that someone I’m so closely involved with is doing it.

My main concern, I guess, is that I’m not sure I like interacting with someone who is frequently in an altered state. I come to find he is doing this more frequently recently and it explains a lot of things I’ve been noticing - Zoning out, forgetting things, falling asleep rather than doing things together. I feel that he’s an adult and can do whatever he wants, but if it’s starting to affect our time together, maybe something needs to change. Or maybe it’s just my imagination running wild now that I know all this information.

I have concerns about addiction and health problems. I have trouble discerning what the real risk is for this kind of stuff since there’s so much misinformation out there. I’m a scientist at heart, but I can’t seem to find the facts. Plus I’m still trying to de-program my brain from years of DARE and the like.

Thirdly, I think it’s an expensive hobby to have. I’ve been trying to discern exactly his spending on it, but he hasn’t been too forthcoming with the details. I don’t think he’s in any financial trouble, per se, but I don’t know about savings for future/retirement, etc.

I tend to approach relationships as people being fairly independent, but enjoying time together. Would I be overstepping my bounds to ask him to reduce his intake or quit completely? I tried to get him to explain why he thinks he needs to do it, but it was kind of a nebulous “for relaxtion” reason. Which makes me feel (probably irrationally) that I’m that boring to be around… I don’t know really. Should I just suck it up and leave it alone unless it gets worse? I think he’s starting to think I’m more comfortable with it than I really am and he’s doing it more frequently when he knows I’m going to be around (plus we’ve just been spending more time together recently for whatever reason).

2

Of course this is based on nothing but your post, EnginNerd, and from it, it seems that you possibly are ‘liberal minded’ - but not that liberal minded…

Understandably, it would be very disconcerting to find this out after 2-and-a-half years. It would bring up all those hoary old questions of how-well-do-I-really-know-him, what-else-is-he-keeping-from-me, doesn’t-he-understand-the-kind-of-person-I-am ad infinitum…

It would seem that to have gone to the trouble of procuring a medical hooch license under false pretenses is not something a lot of people would do. I would assume usual behaviour for recreational usage would be to just score. So the reason for the licence may be that it’s better dope for larger quantities and less money; which may indicate that he smokes more than even he cares to admit.

Ostensibly, it may be time to realise that this unexpected discovery is a symptom, rather than a cause. Personally, I don’t know how useful it ever is to demand someone make life changes they may not be ready for; nor is it easy to compromise on things that confront our own values.

Maybe it’s time to take a break from each other. Make decisions about the relationship then. When the smoke has cleared (heh).

3

You have a stated preference for doing no medications, perhaps he has a chronic pain issue, or chronic headaches and isnt doing it recreationally.

I had a BF when I was younger that didn’t believe in migraines, and would rag on me for canceling an outing because of just a little headache. Take some fucking aspirin and get over it and it got to the point that I was taking some pretty draconian meds and hidin gthe fact because I just plain didnt want to hear him ragging on me any longer.

Maybe he is afraid that you will dis him because he needs meds for a chronic problem? Maybe people have ragged on him for migraines previously?

[Many people tend to disbelieve how truely horrible a migraine actually can be if all they have ever had is a tiny little headache]

4

I don’t think you’re overstepping your bounds to let him know that his level of use bothers you but I also don’t really think he’ll stop, he’ll just hide it better.

He hid it in the beginning because he thought you wouldn’t approve. Now that it’s more out in the open, turns out you don’t really approve (approve might be the wrong word for how you feel but that’s probably how it feels to him).

What bothers me most about your situation is the sneaking and hiding and general lack of trust. But, having grown up in an alcoholic family myself, those behaviors are very familiar.

I don’t really have any advice, other than get the hell out while you still can. It sounds like an unfortunate situation. Best of luck to you whatever happens.

5

I am very similar to you: no experience with drugs, little interest in alcohol, dislike taking OTC medicine, widely perceived as anti-everything even though it’s not remotely true. My current partner smoked for the first seven years of our relationship, and while that’s not illegal, we had many of the same problems. I never asked him to quit because I believe strongly in his right to do whatever he wants with his time, money, body, etc. On the other hand, your partner has a huge effect on your daily life, and you have a stake in his mental and physical health. It made for some tension. Like the other posters, the secrecy would bother me more than anything, but I don’t think it’s hypocritical to re-evaluate the relationship based on fundamental incompatibility re: drug use. In other words, it’s reasonable to have no problem with people doing X but still not wanting to be in a relationship with an Xer.

6

I wouldnt take the fact thats he’s got a prescription for it to automatically mean that he is using large amounts.

Its certainly way smarter to get it legally than ILLEGALLY. And maybe even cheaper?

Like most of the many things that can be considered addictions, it seems to me the biggest issue you have is how much and how often is he doing it? Which I guess you will need to find out.

7

Maybe you’re right. I’m of the mind that people should be able to do whatever they want as long as it’s not affecting someone else. In this case, I guess I’m finding that there are really two people involved when there’s a serious relationship

I think that may be one of the more serious issues now that I’ve had time to think about it. Ever since I’ve found out about all this, I’m finding myself ever more vigilant when at his house looking for clues about things (not snooping, but just paying attention to details more).

That was one of my big concerns. I just find myself incredibly sad after I found out and have a mental image of him sitting on his couch smoking. I know he has other friends that do it, but I’m just learning that he does it when he’s with them too.

Well, I don’t think I’d demand anything. But I think I’m going to sit down with him and voice my concerns. We’ll see what happens. When I first confronted him about it his response was “I’ll quit!” But I know he wasn’t serious and was just panicking. I told him that he’s a responsible adult and can choose to do whatever he wants. That was before I had any ide of the frequency he was doing this (I was thinking a couple times a month, not almost daily or whatever it is). So I think I have to tell him now that I’m uncomfortable with his level of use.

8

That’s possible, and I will take that into consideration. I asked him what malady he used to get the prescription from the doctor. When we first met each other he had a seizure (completely unexpected and never since repeated), which is what he said he used to get the prescription. But I guess there might be something deeper that he doesn’t want to talk about, or maybe he has been talking about and I haven’t noticed. He did mention to me that his real reason for wanting it was ‘to relax’ or whatever.

9

Yeah, I have similar issues in that alcohol addiction runs rampant in both sides of my family. I’ve become weary of dealing with issues related to that, and that’s why I think this is bothering mmore than it should. I’m don’t think it’s time just yet to get out, but I guess I have to keep that as an option (sadly).

I hope we can have an adult conversation about it again. If he can wrangle it to a couple times a month, then I won’t have a problem with that. But then you’re right about hiding it. Would he actually do that? I guess I don’t know. But now that I know what to be on the lookout for, I can assess the situation better.

10

You know what? And I mean this in as gentle a way as I can put it: you sound like his mother.

Stop “looking for clues” and “feeling sad” imagining him “sitting on his couch smoking.” That he has other friends that do it, and you’re only now realising that he does it with them makes it sound like a relationship that is possibly not based on an equal footing, or has only conditional respect for the freedom we have as thinking, breathing, non-conjoined adults.

To “sit down with him and voice (your) concerns” sounds like something a parent does.

Just sayin’.

11

Wait. I understand that you’re freaked out because he has been hiding it from you. That’s understandable. I also suspect that he hid it because he thought you would be extremely judgmental, and he might possibly lose you over it (thus the symbolic “Oh, you busted me. I’ll just wad this up and throw it in the trash to show you that you’re more important.”)

But here’s the thing: you might just have to ask if you’re OK with the possibility that your SO just likes to get high. He might simply have discovered that he likes the feeling, and his marijuana use is unconnected with any real malady. Have you ever smoked? Would you consider doing so to see what it’s like? Would you stay in the room if he were smoking?

12

Yeah, certainly, I don’t know how frequently he is doing this. I spent a large part of the last weekend with him, and now that it’s more in the open, I could get a better idea. Now I’m not sure if he’s doing it more often now that I know about it and he doesn’t have to hide it.

Before this whole mess happened, I know a friend of his would come to his house twice a week, and now I’ve learned that they were smoking (or eating ‘special’ things) together every time he was there. I’m at work when his friend isn’t, so I’m almost never around when his friend is. I don’t know how frequently he was doing it on his own, but I noticed he was smoking several times a day while I was there over the weekend. (Going out to get some ‘fresh air’ or ‘wood for the fireplace’)

He’s very reluctant to tell me how much he is doing or how much he is spending on it. I hope I can get him to cooperate and be honest with me, because right now my imagination is just going wild with suppositions about what’s going on.

13

Or, you could simply trust him to do the right thing, and not “be on the lookout” for things, or attempt to tell him to “wrangle it to a couple of times a month”. How do you know he’s not using purely discretionary income to pay for his hobby, and otherwise being perfectly responsible with his money? I mean, it IS his money, right?

Look, I’m not a stoner, so I’m not standing up for his Right to Toke or anything, but I think this statement is probably correct. If you otherwise trust him not to be a fuck-up, this should probably not be that big a deal right now. It’s only pot.

14

I know, and that’s what I’m trying to not do. I figured it was good to discuss this with someone else before I become too overbearing or whatever. I don’t want him to think I want to control him or whatever. Thinking about it, though, I may have given him the impression that I’m completely okay with whatever level of use he may have, but after examining my thoughts over the past couple of weeks, that doesn’t seem to be true. I think the biggest issue is that my perception of him has completely changed now that I know about this compared to when we first met. I don’t think it’s a show-stopper, but I’m trying to understand the whole situation better since I’ve never really had to deal with this before.

15

Well, you’re right. I just don’t really have any idea, so of course my mind races at 100MPH trying to fill in the blanks, but thinking about what you guys have said, maybe I should just not worry about it so much. I’d rather he be more forthcoming with details, but I can’t force him to do that.

16

If he seems hesitant to tell you how often he smokes it and how much he spends, there is a fair chance the answer to both is a lot. Or at the very least more than just a little.

17

I think it’s possible that your EnginNerd is running overtime because you’re so surprised by the whole thing and, with the history you’ve mentioned with your family, probably a whole lot of alarm bells have gone off.

It’s okay to not be okay with it. If you feel that you are going to have to define acceptable boundaries of use, then you’re probably not okay with it. At all.

18

Okay, stop right there. I’m presuming you live in a county where medical marijuana is legal – assuming he’s not crossing state lines or doing something else which would put himself or his dispensary at risk, there’s no reason for concern regarding that particular issue. Even the DEA has publicly announced they will not indiscriminately target marijuana clinics (God bless you, President Obama!!!) unless they’re in direct violation of local law.

As for “obtaining under false pretenses” – c’mon, man. It’s an open secret that most Mary Jane patients only smoke to get high; the standards for medical treatment are so broad, one can obtain a LEGAL prescription for something like general aches & pain. Cannabis doctors are VERY careful about discerning between patients who are responsible, and those at risk of drug abuse.

Therefore, it’s none of your concern – seriously. Would you react this way if you discovered a script for antibiotics? :rolleyes:

19

That makes no sense at all. At all.

20

Yeah, the whole situation threw me for a loop because I never really even considered it before. But I knew my SDMB friends could help me consider all angles before I do something stupid.

I’m not completely sure I agree with that last sentence. I’ve dated people that drink socially and I don’t have a problem with that even though I don’t drink myself. However, I’d draw the line at someone that needed to drink a lot every day. I don’t see this situation as all that different.