Relationship Disaster

Hi everyone,

Just wondering what you think of this situation. I have recently started avoiding one of my close friends because I don’t want to get mixed up in his mess. However, I would still like to know if my thoughts on this situation are to pessimistic and judgmental. I don’t think so, but I know my friend would so am avoiding the whole subject.

Anyway, he started dating a girl two or so months ago whom he met at work after dumping his current girlfriend a week before hand. She just turned 21 and he is 31. Withing a week of dating they were already saying how much they loved each other and picking out baby names. Her parents hate him. They think she has changed for the worst since meeting him. She came from a strict catholic family and since she was still living at home her parents expected her to obey their rules such as being home by a certain time. My friend can’t stand her parents and has let her know how he feels about her family. So, she started pushing for more freedom. Well, things got pretty bad as she started fighting with her parents about her BF and just last week left to move in with him.

Now, my friend doesn’t live alone. He lives with his father and brother who is 30. His father claims he really likes his girlfriend and she seems to like his family too. She stated a couple of days after moving in that it is so much better living there then with her parents. My friend and her believe that the situation is great. However, I view my friend as someone desperate for love and only became interested in the girl once she showed interest in him and that’s when he dumped his current girlfriend and went for her. Also, moving in with someone you have only dated for two months seems like a potential disaster since most people are probably still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. My friends GF was very close to her family before my friend came along. She is a college student and was living at home and was planning on transferring to a university away from home this May. She seemed like she was really looking forward to going to that particular university since there were others she could have chosen instead. Now she is looking into transferring to the local university so she can remain close to my friend and live with his family.

This seems like a disaster waiting to happen to me. I know my friend and his GF think everything will be fine but living together means you’ll end up seeing all aspect of a person good and bad. Also, since they are living with his family there will be less privacy and space and eventually she will not be treated as a guest anymore and will start to be treated like everyone else. Being that she is still very young and my friend is her first serious BF I wonder if perhaps she just wanted to get away from her parents and is idealizing the situation. To me this doesn’t seem like a relationship that can last very long.

I think your assessment of the situation is accurate. I also think it is an excellent opportunity for you to MYOFB.

I agree that it seems theyre acting immature and my bet is it provably wont last…she may end up resenting sacrificing the college she was wantinng to go to and when the family stops treating her like a guest and there are arguments about who turn it is to wash dishes, she will see the reality instead of like now the hormones and idealizing

I think you, the OP, are looking at this situation slightly too critically. I would think a little more positive as in, “Well my friend has a nice girlfriend who he loves, and my friend’s girlfriend has a boyfriend whom she loves.” I really don’t see too much of a problem. I am failing to understand why this situation is so disastrous. The only potential problem I see here is if they do break up, what is the girlfriend going to do? She has kind of given up being able to live with her parents and I don’t think she will be welcome back into her parents’ house. However, that’s your friend’s girlfriend’s problem, not really your friend’s problem, and certainly not yours.

Maybe there is potential for problems, but none that are relevant to you or your friend in my opinion.

Now I don’t exactly agree with moving in before you’re married because I’m in favor of “saving” that. If you move in before getting married, you kind of already had your honeymoon so then marriage won’t be as exciting anymore. However, that’s just my opinion. Others may think differently and different things work for different people. In this situation, it kind of seems “forced” for the girlfriend to move in early because where else is she going to go? In fact, that’s her weakness. If her boyfriend breaks up, then I don’t know where the hell she’s going to move. She has already forfeited her parents’ house, it seems like to me.

With all due respect judgement-wise and emotional involvement-wise you are way, way, way too up in your friend’s business. Your opinions about his new relationship may be correct (or not) but it’s really his business not yours. You seem very distressed that this adult woman’s girl’s life trajectory has been altered by her love for your friend.

None of this really has anything to do with you. You need to unplug from this scenario and tend to your own business. How would you feel if you had friend making all these kind of moral and ethical judgments about you and your life choices because they felt they knew better?

This is really none of your business It may end in horrible pain, but that’s just life. People get their hearts broken. It may also end well: I moved in with my now-husband and his roommate after about three days, which I am sure looked flakey from the outside. But neither of us are honeymoon types, and we just slipped as quickly as possible into the comfortable part of a relationship.

As far as moving home goes, Anonymous User, I am pretty sure that she will be able to move back. If this all goes down in flames, her family will be delighted to help her recover.

People get to live their own lives, make their own mistakes learn things the hard way, and live with the consequences.

What they should always refrain from doing is judging others for the life choices they make. It’s not your life, you’re not going to suffer the consequences, they are.

The truth is that you can’t ever, EVER, know about someone else’s relationship, because you are not inside it.

You may believe that they are both going to find themselves in a world of pain. That they will learn some painful lessons, etc. Don’t be so sure you’re not the one about to get a life lesson. In minding your own business, and in not meddling in other people’s lives, or judging others.

If her family’s open disdain has no impact, why on earth would you believe your opinion could sway either of them?

Step back, they are both adults, and none of this is your business, do not meddle, if you want to keep your friendship with these people.

You are entitled to your opinion, of course. And you’re entitled to ask pointed questions, along the lines of, ‘aren’t you afraid it’s too soon?’, or,‘have you thought about ???’, or, ‘we’re it me I’d be afraid…’.

But you should not ‘do’ anything, but let them live their lives, make their own decisions, no matter how ill advised. After all would you let them make choices for you?

I agree with the MYOB unless your friend asks for your opinion, but I otherwise agree with your assessment. Moving in after dating for two months is asking for trouble. They are still in the honeymoon phase and haven’t had a chance to get to know each other’s faults and irritating habits. It’s only when you get to that point will you find out if a relationship has a chance of lasting. No sense in moving out when you don’t know that yet.

Love at two months? No.

Lust at two months? Yes.

This scenario plays out daily in every part of the world, but you gotta let them live their lives and let them play theirs out. If you value your friendship, don’t give any judgement or advice unless he directly asks if you for it.

No, your thoughts are probably entirely accurate.

Best case scenario is that this blows up entertainingly before the GF gets pregnant and has another life to ruin. Worst case is if it doesn’t.

You are wise to avoid the topic, as you said you were doing. People who are determined to fuck up are usually too dumb to listen to advice on how they are fucking up.


Do you peek out of your window to watch what your neighbrs are doing? Do you watch Springer or Maury?

Nunya bidness. If your friend gets hurt at the end of all this, well, that’s life. Depending upon your level of friendship, you may be able to communicate your honest opinion about the relationship only when your friend asks you. Other than that, nunya.

Your friend seems pretty young and inexperienced - so do you. You’ve got about 50 more years of watching your friends screw up their lives - sit down, shut up, and settle in. :slight_smile: