Relationship survey: What are the majority of your fights about?

Age you most closely identify with: 28

Gender you most closely identify with: Female

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: White

Hometown you most closely identify with: France, live in MA.

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice: 5.7

Do you like Marilyn Manson?: Not really, don’t care.

What about Marilyn Monroe?: Sure, why not

Are you a Raiders fan?: No

Are you for or against the color pink?: ummm mostly against

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?: Nope


  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)?
    Money spending, things not getting done

  2. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over?
    Nagging

  3. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner?
    apologize, talk it over

  4. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness?
    apologize, talk

  5. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)?
    Money

  6. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner.
    Partner on depression, abuse of some substances on his part

  7. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them?
    first, be mad and yell, then talk

  8. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument?
    more distant

Short answer demographic questions:

Age you most closely identify with:
28
Gender you most closely identify with:
Male
Ethnic origin you most closely identify with:
Cracker, not otherwise specified
Hometown you most closely identify with:
Kentucky (all of it, really)
Height while wearing the shoes of your choice:
5’6"
Do you like Marilyn Manson?:
The character and the person, yes; his music, not really.
What about Marilyn Monroe?:
Oh yeah.
Are you a Raiders fan?:
I wish them no specific harm.
Are you for or against the color pink?:
See above.
Can you curl your tongue in a circle?:
I could if I wanted to.


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)?
    Her unwillingness to talk to me about it when she’s upset about something.

  2. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over?
    Not being emotionally available, spending too much time on the computer and in other pursuits, my getting upset about little things

  3. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner?
    Just give it time.

  4. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness?
    She usually doesn’t have to do anything.

  5. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)?
    Differing work schedules, job stress (mostly mine), being away from home, the aforementioned difficulty in talking about problems

  6. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner.
    It was a lot of little things that I wasn’t able to pick up on and she wasn’t willing to talk about until they became overwhelming.

  7. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them?
    I become whiny, overbearing, and usually have a breakdown. She slams doors and sleeps in the guest room while insisting that everything is just peachy and getting annoyed when I suggest otherwise.

  8. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument?
    Much more distant. We’ve had a lot to learn as a couple about conflict in the last year and change, but we’re much stronger for it.

Dr. J

Age you most closely identify with: My current age (I guess)

Gender you most closely identify with: Hmmmmmmmmm…Men I guess

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: White

Hometown you most closely identify with: Not MY hometown, but Seattle.

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice: 5’ 10" (they’re a pair of blue 4" heels)

Do you like Marilyn Manson?: Ehh. sortof, not a rabid fan.

What about Marilyn Monroe?: yes. Interesting story, interesing person.

Are you a Raiders fan?:No, not really into football, Ask me about Hockey

Are you for or against the color pink?: To wear? Yes, for houses? No

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?:Yes, (didn’t know that til just now)


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)? When he goes into his “thinking” (and therefore utterly silent and seemingly “grouchy” mode.

  2. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over? LOL! When I don’t understand that he’s not “grouchy” or “mad” but that he’s just thinking.

  3. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner? Just to ask, and to give him a bit of space and time.

  4. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness? Say he’s sorry, and give some affection and attention

  5. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)? Sigh, that we’re in different places as far as commitment and lifepartnership.

  6. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner. It would have to be that we tend to misunderstand what the other is thinking/doing/feeling, especially me. Other than that, it would have to be the somewhat (not to be melodramatic) “starcrossed lovers” place that we are in right now, in so far as us not being at the same state of readiness for commitment.

  7. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them? Talk. We just “SAY IT” whatever it might be.

  8. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument? Distant. It takes a bit. Likely because real arguments are pretty rare for us. Most of our “arguments” are really discussions mixed with slight bickering. Over our 7 years, we’ve probably had a total of 3 serious arguments, with not talking, and or mean words spoken between the two of us.

Age you most closely identify with: 25

Gender you most closely identify with: female

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: white

Hometown you most closely identify with: Phoenix

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice: 6’1"

Do you like Marilyn Manson?: Yes

What about Marilyn Monroe?: No

Are you a Raiders fan?: No

Are you for or against the color pink?: Against

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?: Yes


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)?

Miscommunication, lack of validation toward my feelings, when he does something that upsets me and he doesn’t feel I should be upset. The different ways men and women are “wired”… he makes generalized statements about women that annoy me because it seems he is picky on me.

  1. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over?

Mostly the same as above, he feels I get too emotional and I see only my side in a situation.

  1. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner?

When I explain myself and my actions, reactions. When I step back and look at my behavior, and acknowledge it works both ways. I then apologize.

  1. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness?

He apologizes and tells me how lucky he is to have me, hugs. Also, he does the same as I do above but hugs and sorry first.

  1. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)?

Family, my mother specifically (she is a nutcase). We have very busy schedules and don’t get much time together, it stresses us out, lack of sleep also affects us. His son’s behavior when he is with us (he’s a sweetie but he doesn’t listen to his father and it stresses my SO out).

  1. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner.

There hasn’t been one particular situation that stands out. They never get to or beyond an extreme point because we realize it’s just not important to be that mad. Mainly our fights are annoyance and not great emotional upheavals that leave us numb or anything. We talk everything out.

  1. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them?

I am silent and I won’t look at him. It’s body language. He gets grumpy and mumbles, it’s his tone of voice.

  1. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument?

Definitely closer! We learn from each other and fights show us the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of ourselves. We can still love each other after “the showdown”. During, I don’t feel close but afterwards, I feel I know him that much better. We never use bad names or really hurtful words. It’s a healthier relationship than all the others I have had (3 major).

Short answer demographic questions:

Age you most closely identify with: 27

Gender you most closely identify with: female

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: generic quasi-Southerner

Hometown you most closely identify with: Owensboro, KY

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice:

Do you like Marilyn Manson?: not particularly

What about Marilyn Monroe?: sure, why not?

Are you a Raiders fan?: no

Are you for or against the color pink?: depends on the shade and the use

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?: yes


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)?
    Him assuming that I agree with him and acting accordingly, when I actually disagree, or him automatically assuming that my bad mood is related to him.

  2. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over?
    Not wanting to talk about my bad moods.

  3. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner?
    Talk to him.

  4. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness?
    Shut up, go away, and leave me alone.

  5. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)?
    Differing schedules, lack of sleep, lack of a nearby support system, his refusal to accept that most of the time my mood is really not about him or anything he’s done.

  6. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner.
    He invited someone I’d never heard of to our wedding, two nights beforehand, without talking to to me about it first, even though we’d already had one dust-up about the very same thing a few months before. And he didn’t even make the guy say that, yes, he was coming, so I could adjust the seating arrangements. (One extra person just showing up is something of a pain in the ass when you’re talking about seating for 31 instead of 30.) He didn’t know it would be a problem because he hadn’t bothered to ask about any of those sorts of things.

  7. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them?
    He gets weepy and whiny, and I stomp around saying, “no, it’s FINE.”

  8. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument?
    Are you kidding? I have to wonder if we even live on the same planet.

Short answer demographic questions:

Age you most closely identify with: 22

Gender you most closely identify with: female, butchy but female

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: white

Hometown you most closely identify with: Rouyn - Noranda, QC

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice: 5’7
Do you like Marilyn Manson?: not really

What about Marilyn Monroe?: I guess

Are you a Raiders fan?: nope

Are you for or against the color pink?: Pink is Evil

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?: yes


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)?
  • Money, (her) stubborness, assuming she will do something without explaining it to her
  1. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over?
  • my stubborn side, not doing what she wants
  1. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner?
  • remember that our relationship is bigger then a little argument
  1. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness?
  • give me the “puppy dog face”
  1. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)?
  • money, some ways that we express ourselves sexually
  1. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner.
  • I surprised her with a visit and after our week together she told me that a day before I showed up she got drunk and made out with this chick. It took a few days but we worked through it.
  1. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them?
  • I roll over and pout or restrain eye contact.
  1. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument?
  • always closer, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger

Age you most closely identify with: 31

Gender you most closely identify with: Female

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: Hispanic

Hometown you most closely identify with: Las Vegas

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice: 5’6"

Do you like Marilyn Manson?:sometimes

What about Marilyn Monroe?: Most of the time

Are you a Raiders fan?: hell no

Are you for or against the color pink?: for it

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?: totally


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)? For being told that I am bad with money. and being treated like a baby.

  2. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over? Money that I have spent.

  3. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner? Pouting and ignoring him until he feels bad and then we might have sex.

  4. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness?
    Hugs me quietly. I end up crying.

  5. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)? how to spend superfluous money and sometimes how to discipline our children.

  6. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner. It probably had to do with money and he said something very upsetting. I was thisclose to making him leave our home.

  7. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them? Tell each other we are disappointed.

  8. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument? No just confused because the argument doesn’t make me love him less. Its just that we don’t agree on each others point of view, the same way we don’t have the same taste in ice cream flavors.

Short answer demographic questions:

Age you most closely identify with: 28 is my chronological age. At times I may feel (identify with) ages which are older or younger than this.

Gender you most closely identify with: F

Ethnic origin you most closely identify with: White European

Hometown you most closely identify with: I am from a small town in the south-west of England. I live near a small town in the north-west of England

Height while wearing the shoes of your choice: 5’9" in shoes.

Do you like Marilyn Manson?: No

What about Marilyn Monroe?: Some Like It Hot is a great film

Are you a Raiders fan?: No. My local Rugby League team is called the Raiders. I’m not a fan of them either — I don’t follow Rugby League

Are you for or against the color pink?: For, in moderation

Can you curl your tongue in a circle?: ** Yes**


Long answer (hopefully!) survey questions (if you do not currently have a partner, feel free to fill the survey out about a previous partner)

  1. When you are mad/annoyed at your partner, what is it usually over (cheating, toothpaste in the sink, different choices in music, etc.)? ** Bad communication, in a nutshell. In more detail, a tendency to react to any small whinge or statement of a state of affairs less than 100% perfect as if it were the End of the World, as if I were in a blind panic about it, as if I were about to stab myself. I don’t much mind the so-called typical male “fix-it” response, but I do mind the “It’s the end of the world, start hyperventilating” or the “Oh my GOD she’s going to have a BREAKDOWN on me NOW!!!11 what did I DO to deserve this?” response.**

  2. When your partner is mad/annoyed at you, what is it usually over? When I call him on the above. Also if I don’t put my toys away, or if he’s done something around the house and I haven’t noticed/appreciated it.

  3. What have you found to be the most effective way to be forgiven by your partner? Having a cuddle and discussing the issue gently and sometimes lightheartedly. Making clear my motivations for my behaviour. Apolgising for misread cues and bad communiation on my part. Making a cup of tea.

  4. What does your partner usually do to gain your forgiveness? ** Much as above with less talking and less psychobabble. Cuddle. Apology and some short recognition/explanation of action taken. Cup of tea**

  5. What do you view as the main stressors in your relationship (lack of sleep, different views on money, etc.)? **Different communication styles. Unresolved psychological issues. Some small differences in views on money, but they’re really really small. I comparison shop in the store and work out the price per kg of everything. I go for reduced-to-clear items. He gets what he wants, sod the price. When it comes to big money, we’re of one mind, however. **

  6. Please describe the cirsumstances surrounding the most serious tension that has ever been between you and your partner. It’s probably a variation on the answer to 1

  7. What do you and your partner do to communicate to each other that you are mad/annoyed with them? I have it out with him there and then. He sulks. My tone of voice and the content of my communication makes it pretty f-in’ clear that I’m pissed off. I don’t yell until much further into an argument, but I guess I can be somewhat patronising - teacherish or lawyerish.

  8. Do you find that you feel closer or more distant from your partner during and after an argument? Clearly more distant during the argument - which can unfortunately result in an adversarial style on my part, which I recognise to be counterproductive (see “lawyerish” above). We have to be close after the argument in order to regroup and plan future strategies to resolve and avoid this kind of argument.