I don’t think I asked if I should dump her. In fact, I said early on that I wouldn’t, and that’s not the issue at hand. I very clearly asked if the readers would confront the issue or just let it go. Dumping her wasn’t option C or anywhere even remotely close. To get 3 or 4 responses saying to dump her, I took and thought I took well, especially after saying that wasn’t even an option.
I thought the expression “kick the bitch to the curb” went too far, and look at me, I made it well known right away I didn’t appreciate it. You should be congratulating me, in fact.
People are so non-chalant about “nope. This can’t be worked out. Dump her. It’s the only solution.” Sorry, but that’s completely ridiculous. The question wasn’t, isn’t, and will never be “should I dump her?”
You prefaced your question with, "And if you were me … " and that provoked a strong reaction in many people who wouldn’t choose either of your options (obviously, as we can tell by the responses). Many responders decided they weren’t satisfied with a) confronting the issue, or b) letting it go. Their choice would have been to break up with her, because they felt it wasn’t acceptable behavior.
It’s poor form to chastise people who took the time to respond to your OP, even if you don’t like their answers.
It makes perfect sense, regarding people you supposedly care about.
You don’t need rules to tell you what to do when you actually care about them.
And concerning my relationships, having read your comments in this other thread which was closed, I’m pretty certain they would compare favorably with yours. I don’t think that someone who thinks he can’t leave his gf alone because if he does so, she will have sex with someone else in a heartbeat, whether he’s right (in which case his relationship is a waste) or wrong (in which case he’s a controlling freak), is in a position to lecture me about meaningful relationships.
I think we must agree to disagree. Do you think it’s mandatory for a SO to do everything with his spouse/gf? I’m going to assume not (if the answer is yes, then we don’t need to discuss further, we’ve a completely opposite conception of relationships). I assume that in most healthy couples, one spouse/gf/bf is involved in both fun and boring activities without the presence of the other.
But what is singled out here are social events. Are they any different from other events? I dont think so. Having fun with your coworkers is essentially the same as having fun hanging out with your friends/practising some sport. Being bored to tears with your coworkers is essentially the same as being bored to tears visiting your annoying uncle/attending the quarterly meeting of the association you belong to. People won’t necessarily bring their spouse along when meeting their friends, practising their favorite sport, visiting their annoying uncle or preparing the budget of their association (OK, I know that some couples do everything together, but it’s really a lifestyle I don’t care about).
So, I strongly suspect that all this revolves solely around social expectations. Either you think that the SO must be present in all cicurcumstances (for instance you must be present each time he or she meet his/her friends), or what we’re talking about isn’t caring for your SO, but rather obeying to the expectations of your SO’s cowokers/ soon-to-be-maried friends/whatever who, for some reason, assume you have a duty to be present at their work parties/receptions/whatever.
Some answers were pushing the enveloppe. OK, if some people think that failing to call or wearing shoes they don’t like is sufficient ground for terminating a relationship, more power to them. But rambling about the "bitch"who must be currently “chasing guys” and will have a sorry life isn’t exactly constructive.
Maybe his gf couldn’t care less about him. Maybe she just doesn’t have the same views. How could we tell on such a limited basis? The only thing we can do is stating “IMO that’s wrong or that’s no big deal because such and such” or “I’d pretty pissed off too, in particular by this or that”.
Besides : of course, the OP exposes itself to answers he might not like. I’ve more than once myself strongy criticized an OP. But similarily, nobody is obligated to post a response. If you choose to do so, you too become fair game. It’s a two-way street.
I get it…“If you loved me, you’d attend my social functions with me, no matter how bored you’ll get, how alone you’ll feel, how awkward, how little interest in the subject matter, or what other obligations you might have to other people.”
That ain’t my definition of love. In fact, that’s MY definition of “asshole”. Not to mention manipulative, controlling jerk.
In this particular instance, the OP didn’t particularly want to go to this thing either, and didn’t plan to stay long. But gee, think how much more fun he’d have had if he dragged along a potentially sullen, sulky, resentful, bored woman with him, in the name of “love”! That would REALLY have improved their relationship! Right where everybody could SEE it! Hurrah for ettiquette!
Did I say they weren’t? I was responding to this post:
He says that “… you Dopers are a cruel, unforgiving, un-understanding bunch if I ever did know any.” I’m not sure why you’re responding for wasson, but that’s your perogative.
Exactly my point.
Yes, that is what I said.
I don’t think people answer because they feel “obligated.” I think they answer because they want to share an opinion that may or may not be helpful.
So you believe that if someone decides to respond to a post, they can expect to be criticized?
I’ve seen this happen more than once. Someone posts with a question that says “What should I buy? An eMachine or a Dell?” A Mac user will come along saying “Neither, of course! Buy a Mac Mini! Here’s why!” Don’t hate me Mac users, I’m one of you. I love my G5. Anyway.
The person who suggests a Mac Mini will be condemned because they didn’t answer what the OP was asking for. They gave their opinion that wasn’t asked for or appreciated, nor did it help the OP decide what she/he was going to do. I feel like a guy who asked a question and got a ton of “Mac Mini” answers and not a lot of useful responses. Responses suggesting I dump her were promptly skimmed, sometimes laughed at, then ignored. I even said early on, “hey, listen, I don’t want a friggin’ Mini!” Eventually I got fed up with them.
But still, I think I took most criticism more than gracefully, and have even gotten a handful of emails from Dopers who agree with me but didn’t feel comfortable backing me up where they too could be condemned for their decisions on the issue. With the “kick the bitch to the curb” guy, I thought maybe I’d been a little too gracious, so the responses degenerated into insults. I’ve already had a separate thread created to make fun of my girlfriend and I, filled with insults toward both, and I took it pretty gracefully.
Sure, express your opinion. I’ve been reading these opinions for days and not letting it bother me. It still doesn’t bother me, but you’re damn tootin’ that I’m sick of reading the same “dump her” crap over and over. It’s not helping. You’re wasting my time and yours by answering a question I didn’t ask, after I already stated that your answer wasn’t what I was looking for. And referring to her as a bitch was out of line.
You say it’s poor form to chastise people for responding to my thread. I say its poor form to answer a question I didn’t ask. It’s poor form to keep offering the same solution after I said it wasn’t an option.
I guess I’ll answer your question as asked, then, Wasson: If I were you, and I came to the situation with the expectations you describe, then yes, I would feel annoyed. The question of whether you should feel annoyed is the wrong question, because you feel what you feel. There is of course the question of whether your expectations are reasonable, if she a) doesn’t know about them and b) has never agreed to abide by them. If she does, and she has, and she still does such things, then there’s an actual problem.
It seems to me you don’t have a problem, just a point at which you must communicate and reach a compromise. Perhaps, in some hypoethetical future, you might say something like: “I need to go to this because of X and Y, and I would like you to go with me. I won’t know many people there, and these events are not my cup of tea, and I’d appreciate the company and moral support. We won’t stay very long. Just tell me when you get bored, and we’ll leave.”
But, these need to be truly vital functions. And you’ll probably have to accept with good grace that she may not want to go to lots of functions, where she will have no role, nor know anyone, etc.
That would be reasonable and fair. You make a compromise, by understanding and accepting that she doesn’t want to go to functions as a rule. She makes a compromise, by coming along to some anyway.
Just for hypothetical contrast, I would say that her ducking out of all such social events would be as injurious as you requiring she attend all such social events, if she didn’t want to.
…bearing in mind that I’m being entirely hypothetical. I don’t know her. Or you. But ‘events’ are a source of conflict in may relationships, and ‘expectations’ are a HUGE source of conflict. So I’m generalizing.
It sounds like most of your anger is really meant for the guy who called your girlfriend a “bitch.” Why not direct your angry posts at him, instead of all the responders?
Touchy touchy. I don’t think my GF would have sex with someone else if I left her alone. But then again we are honest with each other about where we’re going, who we’re with and whether or not we want to go to various events.
And based on the information provided by wasson, I don’t think it’s totally out of character for her to cancel movie plans and lie about the reason why.
You are absolutely right. wasson’s GF shouldn’t need to be told that it hurts his feelings when she backs out of an event to go after a BBD (bigger better deal). People just know. He asked her to go. She said yes. And the fact that he said it was ok for her to back out just proves he cares more about her than she cares about him.
“Letting her know” has nothing to do with “expecting her to follow a rule that he pulled out of thin air”. I precisely mentionned that he should discuss the issue with her in an earlier post
With the scarce information available, it doesn’t prove anything. At best you could have “bad vibes” about the relationship.
Because it was posted in plain vew for all to see and respond to, and I felt like responding. My first posts were also adressed to him, and nevertheless a number of other posters commented on them.
Yes, and sometimes the poster (or someone else) will get offended by the comments, and respond in kind.
Yes. That’s pretty much why I responded to your post, actually. I’m generally spaking not very convinced by the argument commonly used on this board according to which if you ask for opinions you shouldn’t ever criticize the comments posted.
First, it happens all the time. So, even if you assume it’s bad form, you should nevertheless expect it.
Second, it’s not because I ask for opinion that I must gratefully and gracefully accept the most assinine ones. It might be my loss, if I’m misguided, came here
just to find people supporting my own idiotic position and am unwilling to listen to the dissenting voices, but the advice offered can actually be unhelpful, idiotic, beyond the point, offensive. So, I would retain my right to criticize back. Contrarily to a question you ask to, say, a friend, I can’t exactly sort out in advance who’s going to answer and allow in the thread only the most toughtful posters. I might nevertheless be willing to ask my question beause I can expect that at least part of the answers will be helpful and well-thought (rather hypothetical, because actually there’s only a one personnal important question I considered asking here, and I still never could convince myself to do so).
No way. People sometimes get offended by others’ comments here?! :eek: :rolleyes:
When did I say that?
Do you just enjoy arguing with people? I didn’t “assume” it was bad form; I “think” it is bad form. It is my opinion, and I expressed it in this thread. You have decided to try to make an argument out of it.
A buddy of mine called me out last night for dinner and a few beers. The main topic of conversation was whether or not he should break up with his crazy girlfriend. I’ve met this girl a handful of times and I hate her. My buddy knows this. When we get together, either she’s there or we spend our time talking about whether or not they should break up. I’m uncomfortable saying to dump her, especially since he knows I don’t like her. I don’t want their break up to rest on the fact that she bothered me. Last night, I asked him the percentage of happy time vs. fighting time they had. He told me 85% happy.
I was a little surprised. Granted, I still don’t think 85% is high enough to sustain a relationship (I’d aim for 93ish), but from what he’d told me about their relationship, it seemed like it was 5% happy. Then it dawned on me. I hang out with this guy twice a week, tops. I’ve met his girlfriend of the past year maybe a dozen times. I don’t know shit about thier relationship. Only what he’s chosen to tell me. And yes, much of what he chooses to tell me is the bad stuff. The stuff he has to bounce off other people to understand a little better. If 85% is enough for my buddy, then he should be happy in his relationship without a guy like me trying to tell him to break up with her.
Anyway, I’m sure you can see where this is going. I’ve known my girlfriend since 4th grade. We’ve been good friends for almost a decade. We’ve dated almost 3 months. I’ve posted like 4 threads about our relationship. You guys simply can’t know enough about us to come to any conclusions like “obviously wasson is way more into her than vice-versa”. What if I told you that she let herself into my house last week while I was at work and cleaned the whole thing, top to bottom, just as a nice thing to do? Or that she planned a weekend trip for us up to Chicago to see a Cubs game, and wouldn’t let me pay for any of it? Or that she treated me to a night at a local casino so I could learn some of the ropes for our trip to Vegas next week?
There’s no doubt in my mind that this is a very healthy, reciprocal relationship. Sorry I didn’t make that more clear. In the future, I won’t ask relationship questions on the board anymore. You guys (no offense) don’t know enough about us to come to any conclusions, and it gets a little too heated for my tastes, even if you did.
It’s only a “rule pulled out of thin air” if you are new to planet Earth.
Uh…I’d tell you to change the locks? Sorry but that’s a little weird unless you already have an understanding that she can come over your place whenever she wants.
Yes, we have that understanding. She has a key to my place so she can come over and take care of my dog if for some reason I won’t be home as soon as I would like. I have a key to hers for the same reason. She’s more than welcome to hang out there and watch TV and play on my computer if she’s bored.
