Relatives phony offers of hospitality

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Almost every year my wife’s family stops by early evening to my wife’s cousins Christmas get together after dinner time.

This year there was a mixup and somehow we arrived 30 minutes before their dinner. The entire visit nothing was offered to us and after a half hour it was obvious they were going to sit down to eat so we excused ourselves.

“But look at all this food! And we have plenty of seats! Why don’t you join us!” the cousin insisted over and over again as we made our good-byes.

  1. If you REALLY wanted us to stay for dinner, you would have invited us a few days ago, not as we were heading out the door.
  2. There’s 4 of us. You didn’t make enough food for us and your family as well and there aren’t enough chairs.
  3. Not once, like every year, did you offer us anything. What would make you think we really buy you want us to stay for dinner now?

Oh and this isn’t the first time. I can’t tell you how many visits to this family where we weren’t offered any hospitality until out the door—- “Won’t you stay and have some pie?”. No. I sat here for two hours and wasn’t offered food now I’m hungry and want to get something to eat.

“Stay and have a beer!”. In the past 90 minutes you haven’t offered me one why would I have one now?

What is going on? It’s clear her relatives family REALLY doesn’t want us to visit during Christmas. If they did they would offer more food and drink. They invite us because they feel they have to.

This annoying passive-aggressive little dance at the end of the visit serves one purpose: to relieve their deep down guilt at being poor hosts, and to say to themselves “well we DID offer them something.”

I see right through it!
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2

I don’t I would go there again.

3

Maybe they don’t know any better. Aren’t social people.

Would be better to discuss the issue with them. And resolve it.

Just sayin’

4

Take them up on the offer. Hey, why yes, I WOULD love a beer. I’ll just drop my coat off and wait while you fetch it.

Or don’t visit. One or the other.

5

Heh heh not an option if I want to stay married!
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6

Leave a one star review on Yelp.

7

Thesis A: Our (American) culture encourages hosts to be polite to unexpected visitors.

Thesis B: My take on the OP was that if they had arrived after dinner their hosts would have been amenable to the visit.

(A) I’m going to exaggerate a bit here. Being polite is one thing. But enthusiastically embracing unexpected visitors as if they were the New Messiah is another. I might be a poor host, but when I have unexpected visitors they are lucky get into the foyer of my home, much less provided food and drink.

(B) When I was a pre-teen my family visited my paternal grandparents on Christmas Day, typically arriving around 2 p.m. Along the way we always stopped at my maternal grandparents for a short visit to exchange greetings and gifts. This had been arranged or at least was well understood by all parties. This is where I picked up the notion that unexpected visits may not necessarily be well received.

My reaction to the OP? The OP’s hosts should have either made the offer to eat immediately, or not at all. And frankly, if the usual pattern is for an after dinner visit, I certainly would not expect to be invited to eat.

8

There must be some way to let your wife know your misgivings about the visits and the fact that you’d rather not go.

Perhaps an interpretive dance?

9

Well, if you have a simmering case of pissed-off-ed-ness, you could try something different…

Arrive EXACTLY at the agreed-upon time. Do the obligatory small talk, exchange gifts, then put on your coats and jackets.

When the host throws out the insincere offer, of a beer, switch on the festive personality. “Hey, man, a beer would really be good right now!” Strip off the coats, hang them in the closet, park your butt on the couch (better yet, the host’s favorite chair) and get comfortable. Take your shoes off, leaving them in the middle of the floor.

Gulp down the beer, then say, “That hit the spot! I’ll have another! No, no, don’t get up, I can find it!”

While retrieving the beer, snoop into various dishes in the refrigerator. Rifle the cabinets looking for snacks. Jackpot is a jumbo bag of chips that is unopened!

Grab the remote, settle back on the couch, put your feet up on the coffee table. Turn on some obscure sports program, and jack up the volume. Speak up loudly and say, “Boy oh boy, I’ve been waiting all week to see this!”

Burp, fart if possible, leave a drippy ring on the furniture from the beer, and make lots of crumbs with the chips.

You won’t have to worry about making a visit next Christmas.
~VOW

10

I have. It’s a minor peccadillo but I had to vent.

As to the other comment USUALLY the visit is expected and coordinated; but the phony offers still pop up when we announce we are leaving.

The whole thing, at the end of the day, is amusing.
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11

As soon as I read the title of the post, I went back in time to a real phony offer.

In 1977, my family (mom, dad & 4 kids ages 3-15) took our first big road trip summer vacation. Every summer from the time I was born was spent at the family cabin. Almost every weekend and for my dad’s 2-week vacation. So this was a big deal for us. The plan was to head to California and see every tourist trap along the way. My dad’s aunt and uncle had moved from Minnesota to Burbank a few years before. Anytime they visited they’d beg us to come out and stay with them. They’d take us to Disneyland and Universal Studios. So plans were made and they were happier than heck to have us come out.

The trip out there took about a week, because of all of the sightseeing we did. We arrived at the door of our aunt & uncle’s home. When she answered the door, she said, “we don’t have room for you here”. :eek: She said that maybe we could stay at her daughter’s house. (Who would have no idea we were coming!) My mom and dad were exhausted from being on the road with 4 kids, staying in economy hotel rooms. Finally, the aunt and uncle decided that they would go to the daughter’s house and we could use their house.

In the end it turned out ok. But talk about awkward! They did take us to Disneyland and Universal (and paid for it!). But my mom still talks about it to this day.

12

That “don’t rush off, stay and have some pie” is common where I grew up in the rural Southern U.S. It is simply a polite thing to say as someone is leaving, an agreed upon nicety that everyone involved understands is false. It is nevertheless expected and appreciated.
The thinking goes something like this: Okay, even if I enjoyed this visit I’m glad they’re leaving. But I can’t make that obvious. I have to make it seem like I’d rather they stay. That will make them feel good and I’ll look like a gracious host. So… “Oh don’t run off so soon! Would you like another cup of coffee?”
Now it would be a complete misstep for the visitor to plop back down on the sofa and say yes to more coffee and pie. The host would comply and pretend it’s all okay, and the suggestion to stay would be less enthusiastic the next time the visitor gets up to leave.
I don’t know about the OP’s family habits in this regard, but that’s how I would have interpreted the offers as you’re leaving. The same goes for offering to share their dinner with you even though it was quite impractical – they felt they had to make that offer or seem ungracious, but they didn’t expect you to say yes.
I do hope that when you realized you had interrupted their dinner plan, you offered to come back later. They probably would have said no, no, it’s fine really. And you should have insisted that you don’t want to impose on their dinner.
Sometimes it’s these innocent little falsehoods and play acting that keep us all civil.

13

I love it! I would never do that… Priceless!

14

Just a wild guess: Are these relatives of Dutch heritage, per chance?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

15

Or maybe they were sincere. Not everyone is as socially savvy as most of us Dopers. They may not have realized that some guests want to be wined and dined within 2 hours, and when they realized you were leaving they tried to up the ante to get you to stay.