Republican Hoodlums: leave the sailboat out of it!

I have a little sailboat.

It’s not much – it’s one of these. Smaller than a car. You don’t get “in” it, you get “on” it.

It’s my only expensive indulgence. I don’t get to use it much – and right now it’s missing a piece that’s out of manufacture. My wife wants me to sell it. When I first got it, I could legally park it on my condo association’s property, but some time later the condo board people got a petition up to make where we live a no-boat zone. I went to the meetings and spoke out – the only boat owner to do so – and although the condo board president said other (larger) boats were the problem, and admired my calm, rational response, the restriction passed anyway. So I was forced to move the boat. For some years, it rested on the property of relatives, but now that one of them has cancer (in remission), she’s cleaning out her life and wants to simplify. That’s certainly her right, so I’ve brought the boat back.

It has to be somewhere. I can’t afford marina fees – the boat was only economically possible in the first place because I could park it in the unused distant visitor lot at our place. I’m cranky that conditions changed on us after we spent the money, but there’s nothing I can do about that. There’s a boat lot in the area that charges around $2000 per year – if someone dies and a spot opens up, that is.

It is legal to park the boat on a public street (once I’m outside the no-boat zone). But I’m required to move it regularly. So my boat has become an itinerant fugitive; I move my little yellow trailer-sailer every week or so.

I just want to keep it, okay? Is that too much to ask? Everyone else gets to have stuff. There are big fancy trucks, SUVs, a camper, personal watercraft, Mercedes and Lexus indulgences, and bicycles parked all over the neighborhood. My litle boat is too short to block anyone’s vision, no paint is peeling, and it doesn’t convey any offensive message.

Until now.

Parked down the stret near the golf course this week, where there are no houses to resent its presence, my little yellow boat acquired a TERRORISTS FOR OBAMA bumper sticker smacked right across the stern. Nice and sticky; a PITA to remove.

The poor El Salvadoran immigrants at the bus stop in front of the low-income apartments didn’t vandalize my boat. The shool kids at other bus stops didn’t, although they did play with the winch a bit. The Whole-Foods-shopping liberal grandmother didn’t.

But the golf-course-infesting Young Republicans thought it was a blast to slap hate speech on my little piece of exposed property and sneak away laughing.

Well, fuck you, boys!

Somebody in this story damaged an American’s property to make a political point, and it wasn’t Obama, Earth First, PETA, or Al Qaeda – it was YOU. Aren’t you guys always talking about property rights and insisting on respect being shown?

The police declined to look into the local Unitarian Church’s marriage-equality sign being burned downtwice… but let somebody’s Hummer get vandalized and the FBI investigates eco-terrorism. Justice for rich people only is just hunky-dory, eh boys?

But it’s okay, boys. Cold and windy as it was, I got most of the sticker off tonight before darkness fell; at least it’s unreadable. As for whether it’s funny or not – as to who’s laughing last –

you can tell me when you see me at the polls, November 4th.

Nobody should ever fuck with a man’s boat.

And I don’t think terrorists are much into sailing. It’s too relaxing.

Sailoat, where are you? If you’re in NJ I’ll let you tie up at my slip for free. I have a 35 foot cruiser, but my slip is large enough to hold an extra dinghy.
I can’t stand when people deface other people’s property.

Property rights only belong to Right Thinking People, didn’t you know that?

You’ll have the last laugh when the zombie apocalypse begins. Those republicans will die while trying to find enough gas to operate their hummers. You on the other hand will be safely navigating, using wind power, to MILF island.

That is actually a good idea. Zombie Apocalypse is something we all must consider. But don’t zombie walk underwater? That leaves you open to an attack from 3 dimensions unless you sail out past the Continental Shelf. Not easy to do in that little thing.

Time to make friends with someone with a real boat.

That boat looks like what I’d call a Sunfish. What is it, 10-12 feet long or so? The mast either folds down or is detachable, right?

Could you rent one of those “you store it” spaces, and park the boat in it? I’d expect one of those to cost a good bit less than $2k/year…

silenus, it’s right there in Zombies 101: Zombies are porous. There’s more air than what’s there, which makes them amazingly buoyant, but yeah, in the coming zombie apocalypse, being on the water wouldn’t save Sailboat.

Zombies may float, but that doesn’t make them more dexterous in water than they are on land, and I don’t see them climbing up the side of a boat without some large dex bonuses. Sailboat should be fine in the coming zombieocalypse.

MILF island has underwater fences set up just for zombie related incidences.
Can’t you park your boat in the back yard if you have one?

In my marina there is an Impulse 26 with a Barbie Doll, hands lashed behind her back with a rough hood over her head, tied to the stern rail. We call her “Hostage Barbie”. This sticker would be perfect for them.

On the other hand if some one put any kind of sticker on my boat I’d go off. I couldn’t care less about who wins but if the fascists feel the need to F with some one’s boat I might have to drag myself to the polls.

So that’s two votes it cost them.

They won’t have to climb though. They could just latch onto the underside and chew through the fiberglass hull at their leisure. Yep, they’ll be chomping on **Sailboat’**s meaty tush come the Zomocalypse.

Ha! There have been documented cases where zombies have climbed anchor lines and eaten the sleeping inhabitants. The water gives them large dex bonuses, but it won’t matter much if you don’t WATCH YOUR ANCHOR LINE!

…sorry about the geek, he slips out occasionally.

Hey, I dunno if this will work or not, but did you ever consider getting a storage unit? That boat looks like it might fit inside one if you take down the mast. I have no idea how much they cost, but I’d imagine it could be cheaper than 2000 year if not a little more.

Excellent idea, and one that should be repeated every 7th post.


What if the sharks get the Zombies first?

If getting bitten by a Zombie makes you a Zombie, what happens if you bite a Zombie? Would we then end up with Zombie sharks?

Their teeth aren’t tough enough for that; they’d break in the process.

And of course you should never anchor your boat. That’s just asking for trouble.

If you don’t anchor your boat, you can’t have any pudding.

How can you have any pudding if you don’t anchor your boat?

What you fail to grasp is that when/if the Democrats get complete control, the whole country will be like its run by your condo board.

Republicans would let you put it on cement blocks in your front yard if you wanted. Its your goddamn boat, your goddamn yard. Use them as you see fit.

Happy Election Day.

Storage unit tip: be sure to price shop (by telephone). And ask about whether they require insurance. And realize that your existing insurance policy might (or might not) cover your boat anyway, and that you might be able to get the fee waived.

The same place may quote you a lower price, after you make moves to call around.

Check out the late fees – they may be exorbitant. If you can set up an automatic payment plan in order to dodge them. Read all the fine print.

All of that will probably take more time than you like.