Alas, my trusty meal-time ally! Together we have bravely faced the most treacherous snacks the fast food industry could belch forth upon us in super-sized portions. No carton of French fries was too golden brown. No burgers were too dry. From the crimson-streaked and pulp-splattered abattoir of tomatoey goodness you were born and into the cold, sterile bondage of a plastic bottle you were sold.
Truly, I thought we were invincible. Oh, how naïve I was! Whilst in fell combat with a large basket of crinkle-cut fries I heard the mortal squelch as the last of your tasty lifeblood was expelled. Suddenly, I was alone. I gazed in horror at the half-filled basket as the evil fries just kind of sat there and got soggy and cold in cruel mockery of my condimentary nakedness. I faced the challenge bravely, gorging myself on the unseasoned abominations, yet I felt no joy in this Pyrrhic victory. I discarded the receptacle of your captivity in a nearby dumpster. You were far too special to be recycled.
Yea though I walked through the valley of no ketchup, I shall fear no potato!
Oh, who am I kidding?!? Without you I am nothing, dear Ketchup! Mecum omnes plangite!
I am NOT looking forward to the day when I will have to replace my bottle of Dave’s Insanity Sauce with something less spicy. (my beloved brother gave it to me!)
Oh … and Gopher, I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. Something about the color blue just doesn’t lend itself to my perceptions of “tomatoey goodness”, but I am a curious type by nature. I may have to try that out if I can ever get ahold of some of it.
I’ve been called worse. You do realize that you’ll have to sign a totally legal waiver and release form indemnifying the shipper against any injury or deleterious medical effects resulting from ingestion of said ‘pure’ stuff.
(It is capable of causing second degree chemical burns or worse to unsuspecting and hitherto un-thought-of body parts.)
