Heinz Easy Squeeze Kethcup Bottles are Flawed and I hate them!

You know the bottles Im talking bout right? The ones that stand on their lids and have little sphincters that keep the ketchup from supposedly oozing out or something.

These are great until you start to have more air in the bottle than ketchup. Then when you squeeze the bottle it builds up pressure and farts out the sphincter all over your hot dog!

Why have the fucking sphincter? IT makes the last 10% of the ketchup much tougher to use! You can have the top-standing-bottles without the sphincter!!


I had the same problem with French’s mustard. In ye olden days, they used the cone shaped dispenser. You had to flick off the crusty residue each time you used it, but it was tiny. With the anus dispenser, the crud builds up inside the orifice and you can’t get it out easily.

Don’t get me started on new bottle/lid designs!
(damn you sarsons [and your flip-lid replacement for screw-lids], damn you all to hell!)

This is, of course, entirely your fault and the well-deserved result of committing the heresy of putting ketchup on a hot dog.

Yeah, you certainly want to be able to taste ALL the ingredients of a hot dog in their full glory.

All-beef doesn’t necessarily mean the best parts of the cow.

You know what I hate? Those big ketchup wells at fast food places where you have to operate a manual pump to coerce the ketchup out of a giant five gallon drum. When it gets low, it just sucks up air until you pump it hard enough and blasts half-dried ketchup chunks all over your brand new shirt.

Goddamn ketchup pump.

My other ketchup based peeve is when you ask for “a little bit of tomato sause” and get more sauce than burger. All owners of non-chain fastfood shops seem to think their customers LOVE sauce!

So, you are upset about the Heinz Ketchup bottles?
From what I understand, the company was going to do serious research into the problem. As a matter of fact I spoke with Teresa, a company spokeswoman and she told me to “shove it” !!!

I started a thread on this very topic some years back shortly after the EZ Squeeze bottles were introduced. 'Twas called “EZ Squeeze, my ass!” if memory serves.

Does the search engine show a trace of it after multiple searches trying multiple search terms? Hell no.

Fucking shitty search engine. That’s twice in two days.

All I have to say is the image of my ketchup bottle having a sphincter and farting all over my food means I’ll quite possibly never be able to put the substance on my food again.

Luckily, I only ever used the stuff on hamburgers, and I prefer BBQ sauce to ketchup in that case anyways.

Don’t get mad with me, but one of my brothers works for the company that developed and makes those caps.

Perhaps I should ask him how his family copes with the ketchup farts. Years ago, he helped unravel the mystery (back in the days of the AOL board) about the little “punch-out” bit in some spray can caps, such as PAM. (They were more or less used - rarely, though - as a proof of purchase)

Sorry, I don’t swing that way, mate.

Amen! Everyone knows that mustard is the only appropriate condiment for a hotdog. Preferably some nice Grey Poupon, or Gulden’s or some such.


I dunno?

I have six of them in the refrig.
I can’t bring myself to throw away the rest and too lazy and impatient to use them again.
Soon, I’ll have to buy a bigger refrig.

This post has been ketchuped by the ketchuper!

I just performed a successful hemorrhoidectomy on my own sphinctered ketchup bottle after trying to get the last quarter pint of 'sup to flow. Only after I found some “Hunt’s” “No Salt Added” 'sup at the market tonight, without a sphincter.

Butt I digress.

First, I tried reaming it with my little Swiss Army Knife’ little blade. The 'rrhoids were too flimsy to be affected. Then I tried pushing it out (take the cap off, first, and rinse it under the tap) with the tapered end of a ball point pen. Et Viola! The 1/4-inch plastic ring with enclosed 'rrhods popped out. Now it flows like sh*t thru a goose. It was DelMonte, not Heinz, BTW.

You may now abandon all plans to buy larger fridges. My fee is less than Qagdop the Mercotan’s but he should be proud of me!

Oh, BTW, the “Hunt’s” No Salt Added has ZERO sodium per 17 gram serving, as opposed to Teresa’s and elMonte’s 190 grams.

190 mg, not gm. :smack:

Oh grape.

Got a reply from my brother - turns out he’s not associated with the food caps and closures section. So, looks like we won’t have an answer from the producers of the ketchup sphinchters. All I could glean from their website was happy-happy marketing babble about precision molding and proprietary silicone discs in their SimpliSqueeze closure.

You mean those “Kerry-Heinz” bottles? If he had been elected, the whole country would be just as fucked-up!


If my self-operation does not work for you, try the old “Waffle House” trick. Remove the caps from two containers at a time. Inspect for green ketchup. If none, place one of them upside down on the other one, neck to neck, and either wait, or, if you are truly impatient, jiggle the top one, or both, while holding them together, so the contents of the top one flows into the bottom one. Repeat with another one on top, etc. Kitchen supply stores, etc., sell double-headed funnels for this purpose. The flow will go faster if at room temp.