Sig line HEAVEN!!!
Don’t get me started on the abomination found in my cafeteria at work. It’s called the “wonderbar,” and it’s designed to piss you off.
It’s the high-tech answer to the simple problem of putting ketchup, mustard, and mayo (and maybe relish too, not sure about that one) on your food. See, you just push the button for the condiment you want and GODDAMN IT, THE FUCKING MAYONNAISE NOZZLE DRIPPED IN MY SIDE DISH. Well, that’s a pisser, but I can deal with it. I still need some ketchup, so press the ketchup button and the little ketchup pump starts whirring away deep inside the wonderbar, and I know that ketchup’s coming. Here it comes now. Ok, this is taking a while. 30 seconds go by and I’m getting drips of ketchup now and again. After holding down the button for what seems like an eternity (you can’t help but feel self-conscious when your coworkers are watching you take a full minute to dispense enough ketchup to satisfy your apparently insatiable hunger for the stuff), I finally get the amount of ketchup I need, so I maneuver my burger under the mustard spigot, trying carefully to avoid jostling the … oops, more mayo droppings. Ok, mustard time. Having been conditioned to the rate the ketchup comes out, I confidently press the mustard button, only to discover that the wonderbar’s Mustard Delivery Rate is properly measured in gallons per second, and that there is a goddamn firehose of mustard soaking my burger and bun, overflowing onto my plate. Christ.
I’LL GET YOU, WONDERBAR, I’LL GET YOU!!!1
That’s actually exactly what every restaurant I’ve ever worked in has done. You consolidate the ketchup in whatever bottles are currently open, and open a new one if you need to.
oh god I have never laughed so hard
I just called about this issue. She said would be reported. Seems like the people there would have the instructions on their computer screen to do the reaming trick that was mentioned in this.
I, for one, appreciate your patient deliberation on this issue. Moving capriciously – say, within 12 or 15 years – would have benefited nobody 
I think this issue is worthy of returning to our attention, and thank you for doing so.
I, too, find those bottles annoying.
way too old a thread
Are you saying the thread needs to catch up?
Jesus sees what you did there.
He smirked.
I guess that I can bore out the sphincter on a cap then just keep reusing ;
Yes, but don’t google “how to bore out the sphincter”.
Just. Don’t.
Ok, what was the deal with the punch-out bit in the caps? I’ve always wondered about that.
Is this The Onion?
My annoyance with these bottles is that I keep mine with the lip on the upper side. Then the water separates out. So, if I forget to shake it, the first squirt of ketchup is ketchup-tinted water. Rather useless.
Husband and I both laughed. Our company cafeteria provides packets of condiments, even before the pandemic started, so we’ve been missing out on the wonders of the condiment bar.
I’m in the habit now, of shaking ketchup, Heintz’ prepared mustard, and anything else that comes in a squeeze bottle. I learned the hard way that red-tinted or yellow-tinted water isn’t really ketchup or mustard, respectively.
I completely agree with the OP. Heinz makes good ketchup, but their bottles suck. Sometimes I just want a little ketchup; squeeze the bottle, nothing, squeeze a little harder, still nothing, squeeze a little harder, and a great blob of ketchup comes out and drenches the food.
Their old glass bottles? They sucked too. Heinz made commercials about how hard it was to pour ketchup out of their own bottles. Sometimes I think they make terrible bottles on purpose.
But, friends and neighbors, I came here to light a candle, not just to curse your darkness. A solution exists, and it looks like this:
https://rapidsrestaurantequipment.com/pub/media/catalog/product/cache/5729d216410197ae79c9076be69a6628/6/t/6t866k_1.jpg
Get yourselves a properly designed ketchup dispensing bottle. Fill it up from the terrible Heinz bottle, and deliver ketchup where you want, when you want. I started doing this a few years ago (my bottle even has a little cap on it) and, ketchup-wise, I’m never been happier.
You don’t just shake ketchup (for one) to mix the contents, ketchup is a non-Newtonian liquid that displays ‘Shear-Thinning’ under stress.
Stress it by shaking the bottle and its viscosity decreases making it easier to dispense plus, if it is in a non-rigid bottle, you can stop shaking when all the sauce is at the spout making things even easier.
Having thought about the matter over the past 17 years, I declare that the zombie is mistaken and there’s nothing wrong with the upside down squeeze Heinz bottles. If you haven’t figured out that you just need to shake them a bit before use, that’s on you. The traditional glass bottles are much harder to use and those are the ones deserving of our contempt.