Resolutely Striding into the New Year

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It’s that time of year again. Time to promise yourself you’ll be better. Notice how I say “yourself” and not “myself”? That would be because I don’t, personally, make New Year’s Resolutions. That’s not to say there’s not just whole whacks of room for improvement on me. If you picked seven people at random off the street, not from a bell tower or anything but by just pointed at them, chances are good at least five of them would be demonstrably better than me in several areas, one would be more or less equal to me and the last one I’d only beat out in the “better” department by my awesome omelette making skills. (The secret is in the cheeses.) But I don’t make resolutions. It’s because they are stupid. I find the whole impetus to start programs of personal improvement to be plenteous piles of unpleasantness. Who needs that? Me? No.

I mean, yeah, I could say I’m going to be more patient with people, be more charitable, embrace a vegetarian lifestyle, lose weight or learn a new language, but is that going to happen? No, of course not. I mean, let’s look at these things, shall we?

“Be more patient with people.” Have you ever met people? They’re lucky I don’t go around armed with a flamethrower. Now that would make the world a better place: me and a flamethrower. The world would be a better place for me, not so much for the smoking lumps of charcoal I’d be leaving in my wake. But you just can’t have everything, now can you? No, of course not.

“Be more charitable.” How much should I be giving to all those people anyway? I mean I’m leaving the flamethrower at home. We should just call that one even and leave it at that. Right? RIGHT? Yeah, I thought so.

“A vegetarian lifestyle.” Two words: Cheese. Burger.

“Lose weight.” Five words: Many. Cheese. Burgers. With bacon.

“Learn a new language.” Why? So I can go places where people don’t even have the common courtesy of speaking proper English so they can get on my nerves in a foreign language? Where’s the upside to that?

So, all in all, I think I’ll just cruise along like I am right now. I’m not going to be putting any more effort into things, but then again, I’m not going to be slacking off any more than I do now either. It’s status quo, bay-bee! And I think, if you really look at things, it’s all for the best really.

Unless you can think of anything I should be working on. You be thinking on that and get back to me. I’ll be shining up my flamethrower.
-Rue.

2

You know what would be fun? Making omelettes with the flamethrower. You could really melt the cheese good with a flamethrower. I’m with ya on the no resolutions thingy Rue. My only resolution is that I resolve not to resolve to resolve to do things I know I ain’t gonna do anyways, so why bother. If I knew somebody who does needlepoint, I’d ask em to embroider that on a pillow for me. A nice big sofa pillow that I could use when I take a nap on the sofa. That way I could sleep on my resolution. HAH! That was funny!

In other news:

ACBG is now officially the big 5-0 and eligible for AARP membership. I’ll bet he gets an application in the mail today. See, his bday was yesterday and AARP has this uncanny way of knowing when somebody in Amurrica turns 50. It’s kinda scary. Anyhow, a whole bunch of us went to the Dead Lobster yesterday cause that’s where he wanted to go. ICK! But it was his big day so I sucked it up and went. Even paid for his meal. And two margaritas. The lush! Afterwards we went to a friend’s house for ice cream cake and champaign. Unbeknownst to ACBG, I had snuck over to said friend’s house earlier and we put up all these little signs about gettin’ old and stuff. It was fun. He got presents. I got him a leather gstring and a coupon for $5.00 a Viagra prescription. He was not amused with the coupon but did model the gstring for me later. WOOF!!! Course he also got a way cool leather jacket from me which he wore to his celebration even though it was much much to warm yesterday. It got up to 78 degrees yesterday. So he was well feted. I done good. He told me I done good.

That’s all I got for now.

3

Resolving to post the MMP by 8 AM?

4

As a long time lurker and new poster I have to express my admiration for Rue and your stories.

I do have to ask one question, is it a 1920’s Style Flamethrower?

Cheers.

5

Well, I didn’t originally have a New Years Resolution this year, buuuuuuut…I got one now. Never, NEVER let your DH use your bathroom scales to weigh the garage door. What WAS I thinking??? See, Mr. Anachi decided he needed to replace both springs on his garage door opener. (We gots two garage doors, just so ya know.) He replaced just one a coupla years ago and it never quite worked right. Went up and down all wonky, if ya know what I mean. So anyway, some one a those manly type manuals or somethin’ said he needed to know how much the door weighed in order to get the right springs. I’m la-dee-daing around in the kitchen and Mr. Anachi innocently walks by me carrying the bathroom scales. “Whatcha doin’ hon?” asks I, an he says he’s gonna weigh the garage door. :eek: The next thing I hear is a giant WHOMP! from the general vicinity of the garage. :eek: :eek: Course I ran right out there to make sure his little blond head wasn’t under the door. Instead, he’s standing there all sheepy lookin’ and my poor, poor bathroom scale is all mashed under the garage door. [funeral dirge music]Dan dan dadan dan dan dan dan dan dan dan[/funeral dirge music] So, anyhoo, my New Years Resolution is to guard the new bathroom scales like a mamma Florida black bear with two cubs.

That’s all I got for now.

Tupug The Weightless

6

Meh, flamethrowers are over-rated.

You should resolve to be more creative and come up with something original. Like a portable woodchipper, for people. And have it spew its contents 30 feet up into the air like a big red fleshy waterfall.

People scream too much when you burn them anyway.

Omelets rock! A Rueben omelet with lots of swiss cheese and burnt hashbrowns.
And mushrooms.

7

Tuppy ya might try mailing the scales to the bathroom floor so he can’t pick em up and tote em off again. Course, then he might decide to bring the garage door into the bathroom to weigh it. I’m not sure what would be worse. :smiley:

Now, I’m wondering how much my garage door weighs. I wonder if that little sticker waaaaay up on the top left hand side of the door will tell me that. I’ve never read what’s on the little sticker before. I wonder if it’ll tell me in the book that came with the garage door. Maybe I could go look at garage doors like mine and find out the information. Some way, some how, I gotta know now. See what you did Tuppy? Now I’m gonna drive ACBG crazy for sure when he finds out I’m trying to find out how much my garage door weighs. He’s gonna start lookin’ at me like this :dubious: again.

8

To find out how much your garage door weighs;

  1. Weigh entire house. Write down number.

  2. Remove garage door.

  3. Weigh entire house again (now missing garage door). Write down different number.

  4. Subtract the two numbers.

You’re welcome.

9

Now, swampy Mr. Anachi isn’t all that blond. He DID search the door for a sticker what would have the doors weight on it but, alas, couldn’t find one. An we don’t have no garage door opener book cause the previous owner of our abode was really anal retentive and took alla the devices manuals for “our” house with him when he moved out. Rat bastard!!! But I don’t think I wants Mr. Anachi nailin’ the new scales to the bathroom floor, neither. See, I likes ta move mine around the floor a tad so’s the needle sets right on the 125 lb mark and doesn’t go creepin’ up a pound or two. :smiley:

Sure will be interestin’ to know if you find out what yours weighs, though.

10

Does the bathroom floor have the same mailing address as Tupug Anachi?

11

Dear VunderBob,

FWOOOOOOOSH!!!
Just consider that a “warning shot”. Don’t worry, you’re eyebrows will probably grow back.

Yer pal,
-Rue.

12

You all crack me up! :smiley: Good way to start a Monday morning.

I especially like swampy’s suggestion of

. Just put the broken scale in the mail and you won’t have to worry about it again. :stuck_out_tongue:

I also do not make new year’s resolutions. But then again I’m perfect so I really don’t have to, now do I? :stuck_out_tongue:

Wow, 3 smileys. Maybe I should make a resolution: use fewer smileys.

13

BTW Rue, when VunderWife and I drive around Cincinnati on I-275 on Monday the 20th, we honked and waved at you. Did you hear us?

14

No New Year’s resolutions around here, either. Mr. Lissar thinks they’re stupid and I forgot to make any. So forward we go into mediocrity together.

There’s a place near here that makes a hamburger with cheese, bacon, fried eggs, and gravy. That’s nutrition. None of this ‘veggies are healthy!’ crap.

I got extremely exciting news last night. Second Best Man at our wedding (he made up his title, not me) who turned into Intellectual Husband (after I figured out a name for him) got engaged last night! Woohoo! And…

He’s applied to U of T for the Medieval Studies Masters program! Yay! w00t! Yahoo!

So if he is accepted he’ll a) be in Canada again (he’s from Arkansas, and at University of Dallas) and b) be much, much closer to us. And that’s important. At least to us. And if he’s accepted to U of T he’ll be getting married at the end of the summer, so his wife will come to Canada with him and we’ll get to meet her and it will be wonderful.

I am extremely excited.

15

Was that you honking Bob? I was building a ship inna bottle (it was a big bottle, but still it was hard for me to crawl in there) when there’s this HONK HONK HONKITY HONK and I broke my mizzen mast. That’s gonna hurt for a while! So, no I didn’t so much wave at you as shake my fist in your direction.

I did blow the Wife a kiss though. She’s hot. What’s she see in you?

16

No, being married to someone else does not interfere with them also being married to me. Practically all of my auxillary husbands are dating or married.

We do not own a set of scales. If we did Mr. Lissar would break them. Or I would. He’s try something like Tupug’s husband, or I would trip over them and smash them accidentally.

17

I have two resolutions:

  1. Be the first person to respond to the MMP at least once in the next year.

  2. Continue to be unimportant enough so that nobody checks my resolutions at the end of the year.

Now I just gotta stay off of 60 Minutes and the Enquirer!

18

Great. Just great.

I’m sitting here looking at the mucking huge pile of work on my desk and all I can think after reading this is “I really want a flamethrower.” My birthday is coming up, so I suppose it’s a possibility.

All I got for Christmas was a leafblower.

19

No resolutions for me either…I never keep 'em, so why set myself up for failure right at the “get-go”?

I once had a cat that broke my bathroom scale. No, he wasn’t way, way fat, but he jumped from the vanity on to the scale one too many times and the scale broke. I heard a big clunk, and then a kinda “sproing!” noise, and there was the scale, dead. I never liked that dang scale anyway. It took me years to replace it. This cat had seven toes on each of his back feet and six on each of his front feet. He was a big cat, but he wasn’t fat.

Swampy, I think Dead Lobster sucks too. Why is it that people actually like their food? I feel the same way about Olive Garden.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s 15th birthday. I need to go out and buy prezzies for her. She also wants a cheesecake for her birthday cake. She has good tast like her Mommy; I love cheesecake.

Ive entered the HGTV Dream Home giveaway. It’s fun to dream anyway. Even if I were lucky enough to win it, I couldn’t afford to keep it. I’d have to sell it. The property taxes and homeowners insurance on that place would be astronomical. Besides, I could take the proceeds from selling that house and build my own dream house on a lake right here in lovely, green, Washington state.

That’s all I got for now.

20

Unlike our wise friend Rue I have gone and made myself a whole list of resolutions.

I’ll probably be pretty grumpy in the coming weeks as I simultaneously starve, sober up, rid my system of nicotine and floss.

I’m really gonna need that flamethrower.