Minnesota should secede, if it can be accomplished politely, with a minimum of fuss. As Chairman of the Minnesota Secessionist Alliance, I invite debate on this issue. I will put forth just a few of the many reasons we support this move. Of course, we could be wrong. This is our opinion, that’s all.
We won’t be missed. The rest of the USA doesn’t know we are here, except when we do something interesting, like freeze to death or elect a wrestler to be Governor. Despite a prominent location on the Central Coast, we remain largely unknown. We should make our move soon, while they still think Fargo is in MN. Otherwise, they will Californicate us like they did to Oregon.
We’re right, they’re wrong Minnesota is to USA as Scandanavia is to Europe. Sensible, sincere, polite folks live here. The rest of the country is full of violent, bombastic yahoos, who knoweth not the ass from the hole in the ground. Reagan VS Mondale. Humphrey VS Nixon. Bush VS Gore
We can chuck ‘national’ sports As recent events, which need not be mentioned in polite company, clearly demonstrate, we have no business competing on a national sports type environment. Sports would then become more or less rational, Duluth vs Bemidji, kind of thing. Nationally, we’re never going to win because we are simply too sensible to spend a quadrillion dollars for genetic freaks who can throw or catch a ball faster and better than the next guy. As a bonus, when the Cheeseheads come to play, we can subject them to customs harassment at the border. Coming and going! Go Vikings! And take the Twins with you!
We can keep the taxes we’re squandering in Washington A military? What for? To protect us from Canada? We can spend the money much better than that! Border check points, for instance. “Do you have any vegetables, fruits, people or culture from either Coast?” We can also spend some of it on propaganda. “Yes, its terribly cold here! You’ll hate it, stay away! The blonde women aren’t really that good looking, their mom’s just feed them better here! And its cold! REALLY cold!”
I invite other points of view, but especially enthusiastic concurrence, and more reasons why we should proceed!
What do we want? Secession! When do we want it! Well, pretty soon if its not too much trouble!
If you disagree, well, I guess its a free state, isn’t it? Or it will be.
I bet Calvary can whup the Vikings when they join the CFL. But good lord, man, how will the rest of the United States survive without … er, um … what, cheese? No, that’s Wisconsin. The Northwest Airlines hub in Minneapolis? Well what the hell DO you guys have that we want anyway?
If we 'Sotans are to secede, we need some sort of laws regarding our relations to other countries. I suggest the following set of rules:
The first rule of Minnesota is, you do not talk about Minnesota. (er, sorry, couldn’t help it)
The second rule of Minnesota is … YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT MINNESOTA. (still can’t help it)
We recognize Texas as a soveriegn nation. If we can secede, so can they.
We can giggle inwardly at outsiders’ accents, while rightfully denying that we have accents.
Every foreign dignitary is treated to a delicious meal of tuna casserole, a tall glass of milk, and corn (on cob, when in season). Those dignitaries from countries we don’t like get lutefisk.
Our governor (er, president?) gets to face another country’s leader in a one-on-one, no-holds-barred, steelcage wrestling match every year. We will all know it is faked, but this will be our form of war: nobody really gets hurt, and some are highly entertained.
If another country threatens us, or invokes sanctions, or even goes so far as to invade us for some reason, we are allowed to frown disapprovingly at them. (Or even go so far as to say, “That’s different” without being tried for warcrimes.)
We will allow people to enter/exit our country, with a proper visa. Our border agenst will be well-paid, but will probably have one of the world’s most boring jobs. The people here general want to stay, others generally have no reason for comming here.
Our national export will be Snow and Ice, by the bushel.
The world’s largest (made by one man) ball of twine. That’s nothing to sneeze at, donchya-know.
Weird Al has a great tune called “The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota” on the UHF soundtrack. Always been one of my favorites, especially when I see cars going by with “touristy” stickers on 'em.
All right, you can secede. Having lived a majority of my life in MN, it’s chicken or tuna casseroles. Hamburger dishes are hot dishes be it tater tot, rice, spaghetti or whatever.
You missed something however. If Texas can secede before you do, so can the Carolina’s. We have “Grandfather rights”, ya know.
Have you ever actually been to the Twineball? (I capitalize out of respect)
I make an annual pilgrimmage there during Twineball Days, a yearly festival in the small town of Darwin, MN, where the Ball resides. It occurs on the 2nd Saturday in August.
And of course I have Twineball bumperstickers, and magnets, and sweatshirts, and t-shirts, and a postcard that reads, “Greetings from the Twineball, Wish you were here.”
There’s even a real Twineball Inn, although I’m not sure if it’s really an Inn. More like a cafe. Maybe it’s a bed&breakfast of some sort; I’m not entirely sure.
