Now, I must first point out that I am not native born, being raised in Texas. But every time I leave, I come back. And I invariably buy at least two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup whenever I go food shopping. I regard myself as a citizen, though I haven’t quite mastered the funny accent.
It is time to secede!
We have little or nothing in common with these people. They are loud, belligerent, rude, and, quite frankly, unhealthy. The merest hint of mildly inclement weather sends them berserk and starkers. I know, I saw an inch of snow in Dallas once. The freeway scenes would have to be seen to be believed. Lord of the Flies combined with stock car races. Appalling.
How many times has the clear fact of our difference been made obvious to us? Remember when the entire country voted for Ronald Reagan, that acme of the animatronic arts, over the simple Lutheran dignity of Mondale. Was he exciting? Charismatic? Of course not. He was as bland and substantial as hot dish. (“Casserole” to you Outlanders). He was frank, in the accepted Minnesota fashion of not peeing on your shoes and telling you its raining. He said, “taxes will go up, they pretty much have too.” And the rest of the country voted for the Avuncular Vacuum. So why do we put up with them? Need more proof? Three words, in stark contrast. Garrison Keilor. Carrot Top. What more need be said? Time to go.
We have a lock on the nation’s supply of leggy Nordic blondes, what do we need bulimic junkies from The Coasts for? Those aren’t women, those are pathologies in panties. We have vast areas of pristine wilderness that, so far, no one has found any oil on. Lets get them out of harms way while we still can, before the Boundary Waters become Chevron County.
We can do it quietly, efficiently. Hell, they won’t even notice. Remember that movie, a while back? Did it surprise you to realize that the rest of the country thought Fargo was in Minnesota?
Close the borders. Politely, of course. We will keep a corridor open for the Packers to travel to thier much deserved humiliation. Iowa, it need not be said, will be blocked off entirely. Cheerleaders. Preserve our pasturelands. Enough said.
I am hereby starting the Minnesota Seccessionist Alliance. You can send your donations in any amount. (Due to certain technical restrictions, I must request that the donations be made out to “cash”. For the time being, of course.) Our course is clear, our determination is manifest! Our revolutionary chant: “What do we want? Seccession! When do we want it? Well, pretty soon, if that’s OK with you!”
And Outlanders: you won’t miss us. You dont want to come here anyway, its too cold. Really. Miserable. When we say “get down”, we mean you aren’t dressed warmly enough. Stay away. You’ll hate it. We have mosquitoes that carry off small children and poodles. Don’t come here. Go to Oregon. Oregon is nice. Our women are as smart as they are good looking. We like that. Its a Minnesota thing. You wouldn’t understand.
