Resolved: Minnesota Must Secede!

Now, I must first point out that I am not native born, being raised in Texas. But every time I leave, I come back. And I invariably buy at least two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup whenever I go food shopping. I regard myself as a citizen, though I haven’t quite mastered the funny accent.

It is time to secede!

We have little or nothing in common with these people. They are loud, belligerent, rude, and, quite frankly, unhealthy. The merest hint of mildly inclement weather sends them berserk and starkers. I know, I saw an inch of snow in Dallas once. The freeway scenes would have to be seen to be believed. Lord of the Flies combined with stock car races. Appalling.

How many times has the clear fact of our difference been made obvious to us? Remember when the entire country voted for Ronald Reagan, that acme of the animatronic arts, over the simple Lutheran dignity of Mondale. Was he exciting? Charismatic? Of course not. He was as bland and substantial as hot dish. (“Casserole” to you Outlanders). He was frank, in the accepted Minnesota fashion of not peeing on your shoes and telling you its raining. He said, “taxes will go up, they pretty much have too.” And the rest of the country voted for the Avuncular Vacuum. So why do we put up with them? Need more proof? Three words, in stark contrast. Garrison Keilor. Carrot Top. What more need be said? Time to go.

We have a lock on the nation’s supply of leggy Nordic blondes, what do we need bulimic junkies from The Coasts for? Those aren’t women, those are pathologies in panties. We have vast areas of pristine wilderness that, so far, no one has found any oil on. Lets get them out of harms way while we still can, before the Boundary Waters become Chevron County.

We can do it quietly, efficiently. Hell, they won’t even notice. Remember that movie, a while back? Did it surprise you to realize that the rest of the country thought Fargo was in Minnesota?

Close the borders. Politely, of course. We will keep a corridor open for the Packers to travel to thier much deserved humiliation. Iowa, it need not be said, will be blocked off entirely. Cheerleaders. Preserve our pasturelands. Enough said.

I am hereby starting the Minnesota Seccessionist Alliance. You can send your donations in any amount. (Due to certain technical restrictions, I must request that the donations be made out to “cash”. For the time being, of course.) Our course is clear, our determination is manifest! Our revolutionary chant: “What do we want? Seccession! When do we want it? Well, pretty soon, if that’s OK with you!”

And Outlanders: you won’t miss us. You dont want to come here anyway, its too cold. Really. Miserable. When we say “get down”, we mean you aren’t dressed warmly enough. Stay away. You’ll hate it. We have mosquitoes that carry off small children and poodles. Don’t come here. Go to Oregon. Oregon is nice. Our women are as smart as they are good looking. We like that. Its a Minnesota thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Well, that sounds like an ok deal to me then. Those other states are kinda different if you ask me. But I think we’re gonna have a pretty heated debate about what the national hotdish is going to be.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give such a long speech.

Before I can make my decision to back you, I will need an answer to this question: What about my lake cabin in Minnesota? Will I be compensated for it’s loss or are you just going to seize it from me?

As long as I get some cash out of the deal, I think I would fully support your plan.

If you promise to take back Bob Dylan, Louie Anderson, Prince, Robert Bly and Garrison Keillor, and NEVER let them out again, it’s a deal!

Could you take the Dakotas and Montana too? How about Wyoming? Please? We’ll throw in Wisconsin, if that’ll help.
Really, it’s no problem.

By God, Sir, if you block the roads to Iowa the Mall of the Americas will fold in six months and grass will grow in the streets of Rochester. Not that this would be a bad thing.

<Insert obligatory comment about you joining Canada, thereby raising the IQ of BOTH Canada and the US>

I thought Carrot Top was from Charlotte.

It’s your loss. “The Mall of the People’s Republic of Minnesota” sounds dumb.

TSR hobbies is in Wisconsin! :eek: NOOOOO!

He’s from Orlando.

And how did he get into it?

According to this site (and many others), he is from Charlotte:


Diogenes Naturally, the birth of a new nation will not be without some difficulty. On the hot dish issues, I stand with the Liberals: no establishment of a state sponsored, or state recognized, hot dish is acceptable. I do not presently contemplate any restrictions. There are those who contend that the addition of a can of peas better suited to a high school cafeteria is a positive suplement. While I find this repulsive, yet we must be willing to accept, even, to some limited degree, embrace such heresy. I recognize my position will be taken by some as being, well, kinda radical. I am firmly committed, nonetheless. Well, pretty committed. Depends.

Hup To maintain residency status, you will be obliged to prove at least 24 hours of ice fishing in any given month. Otherwise, your cabin will be handed over to a nice old lady with too many cats.

Astorian They are ours. For good or ill. As Robert Frost said, home is the place where when you go there, they have to let you in. Note: Minnesota is home to many recovering Texans, such as myself. Imagine being in a bar full of people, secure in the knowledge that there isn’t even one pistol, concealed or otherwise, on the premises. Of course, it closes at 1 am. We have things to do tomorrow.

Happyheathen Not on your life.

Spavined The fate of the Mercantille Temple of Mammon has yet to be decided. If a practical plan to dismantle it and ship it to Des Moines can be realized, I might favor that.

Samclem No annexation of Canada is currently contemplated. A possible alliance with the Peoples Republic of Vermont remains to be seen.

Lib Who cares where he’s from? So long as he remains elsewhere.

And you know how this is going to work, right? Minnesota secedes. Then you guys apply for membership in the Nordic Council, and we figure, what the hell, you’ve got a higher percentage of Scandinavians than quite a few neighborhoods in Stockholm or Oslo, and you can eat lutefisk and live to tell about it, and anyway we like Mondale, so we let you in. And then you guys are going to want to give the Nordic Council Literature Prize to Garrison Keilor Every. Freaking. Year.

Hah! We’re on to you people already!

I propose the official food of the Independent Republic of Minnisota be Lutefisk. God knows no one else wants the stuff.

Sorry, Flodnak, but the, ah, liberality, shall we say, of your sexual mores precludes any such union beyond the confines of a cordial detante. Cordial, mind you, not intimate.

Besides, if we wanted to deal with the difficulties inherent with a bi-lingual culture, we might as well annex Canada, and speak atrocioius French, which is mercifully free of umlauts

Ranger you may have a point. However, the deep fried cheese curd faction is quite strong. Myself, I am of the opinion that lutefisk, like Coors, should be producted strictly for purposes of export. Some hold the view that any cadidate for public office be required to eat a plate of lutefisk and smile. This will cull out the weaklings and persons of insufficient committment. The debate rages. Well, continues.

Your stance on this gives me pause. I refer, of course, to the undeniable fact that Minnesota is very lutefisk-intensive. Even the most hardcore progressive must admit that some substances are so horrific they should be restricted, simply for the civic good. Tacitly sanctioning such a reeking, revolting foodstuff as a possible unofficial state food would be folly.

That way madness lies.

No, I’m convinced your new state charter should contain a mildly worded (of course) statement along the lines of , “Any hot dish is fine; jello salads with itty bitty shredded carrots and minature marshmallows are basic but lutefisk shall be overseen by the State Environmental Defense Agency.”


Secede, hell. I say we trade Minnesota to Canada for British Columbia and three islands to be named later. :smiley:

Dang, that’s eerie. In the time it took to write my post no less than two other concerned, insightful government mavens identified the lutefisk peril.

Your export solution is hideously igenious, elucidator. You could market the stuff to the makers of pest strips. Heaven knows lutefisk reek attracts flies from hemispheres away. This would not only produce some revenue but also possibly reduce Minnesota’s fly population.