My very dear SO and future spouse has, over the last 18 months, finally come to terms with his agnosticism and come to terms with his family and their out and out psychological warfare via evangelical Christianity. (When we met, he was non practicing but wouldn’t admit he lacked “belief”). As such, he’s curious as to “what next?”. In breaking old habits and patterns, he’s seeking out new ones.
Rather than self medicating via alcohol and tobacco, he’s replaced those with a healthy relationship with me and. He’s eliminated toxic friendships and strengthened positive ones. He’s lost weight and is happier than he’s ever been - even relieved - to have finally come to terms with his past. He’s most eager to build a positive identity going forward as a future husband and father.
I know the dope is full of great individuals who’ve broken the unhealthy cycle and formed new habits and outlooks on life after religion. I’m looking for those resources for him to read and learn (he’s already dabbled plenty on his own). He’s at the stage where he understands the lies/abusiveness and condemns them and has largely gotten over the initial hatred and outrage - but doesn’t really know how to “proceed”.
He’s particularly interested on how to see the world and form a family (of his own, with me down the road) and negotiate all this in his own head.
i don’t have any specific resources, but I’d strongly recommend avoiding ALL “big-A” atheist organizations, writings, web sites and spokesbeings. Far too many of them simply turn atheism/agnosticism into a raving alternate religion.
IMVHO, agnosticism and atheism have nothing to explain, nothing to justify and have no need to go head to head with religious beliefs. To do so is to fail to understand your own beliefs.
I don’t have any cites for you, but I’m married to a recovered fundamentalist. It’s been almost fifteen years for him and while he’s completely settled in his own beliefs or lack of them, he’s constantly working through what it means for him in terms of his family, friends, and (former) workplace. He sits quietly while they say their piece, then comes home and rants about it to me.
He does say that it was the biggest mindf*** of his life. All the people he had trusted were wrong. I wasn’t around during his initial adjustment period.
I didn’t know that, actually. He did seek out professional help in his mid 20’s, when he had increased contact with his nuclear family and the fallout of a particularly destructive relationship. He’s not at that level anymore, thankfully. But that’s still interesting information to have.
nods Nail on the head. Militant atheism is just as disconcerting as anyone of hardcore faith.
First Silvertabs, now an excellent resource. Is there anything you can’t do?
Oh wow. This sheds a little more light on the whole thing for me. This is what he does as well - comes homes and rants. It’s interesting to note that the experience shapes you and never fully “leaves” you.
Whenever he’s around them for more than an hour, for the next day or two afterwards he often looks bewildered, he questions my intentions and he’s less physically affectionate. Once a little time passes, it’s back to smooth sailing.
Edit: Tom Tildrum, an example of him identifying good and bad relationships is in his friends. We’ll call them Greg and Mike. Greg reacted very negatively to his shared news of us moving in together over the summer and getting married next year. SO correctly identified Greg feeling threatened in his own live in relationship and lack of desire to get married and noted the dwindling invites to hang out together. Mike, on the other hand, reacted very positively and noted how he’s much happier and I’m a good influence. I’m sure a couple years ago he’d never have been able to identify these things.
Watch the stand-up/autobiopic “Letting Go of God” which is a monologue by Julia Sweeney. It’s her story of her journey of becoming an atheist and might help your SO. You can watch a very abridged version here (the full movie is 2hrs+)
So he’s just looking for new habits to replace the old ones of “going to church” and “allowing myself to be belittled by former friends and family who I choose to no longer spend time around”?
In the first post I write that he is non practicing. So you simply didn’t read or did not comprehend the post. You made up “going to church” out of thin air. You also very casually disregard the previous situation as “allowing myself to be belittled” as though the abused are stupid or deserving of such treatment, or anything other than victims of a very bad situation.
stpauler: added to the Netflix queue
No way! Also tall bro-in-law is sporting 'em due to his less plump behind
Hold it, OP. While Rachell might have used better phrasing, much the same concern underlies my comments. FAR too many people who fall out of faith swing the other way and become obnoxious, rigidly “practicing” atheists. It’s an easy trap to fall into, because all of the structure and support and ritual and meaning of religion have been lost as well as the inherent “faith” - so the new lack of faith becomes a hook on which to hang replacement rituals and dogma and so forth.
Here’s the most critical bit of understanding I can try to pass to your SO: He does NOT need to replace his lost faith with ANYTHING. Consider faith more like a tumor - benign or not - that was taking up space and using life resources. Gotten rid of, there’s no need to replace that parasitic life component with any substitute.
Use the new space and freedom from ritual to expand the other parts of your life. Don’t fill it with more useless burden. And having made up his mind about the relatives still in faith, don’t let them drag him back down.
I have a relative who’s gotten into trouble at work for “preaching” to co-workers. I also don’t understand why some of them are so obsessed about something they don’t even believe exists.
It sounds like the issue addressed by the OP is more a toxic family relationship than anything to do with religion.
You haven’t mentioned what your stance is on religion.
I know that for me, my exit out of Christianity was relatively pain-free because my sister and I were on the same page. If I was the lone non-believer in the family and I didn’t have anyone to kvetch to, I would have a much harder time. It is wonderful being able to vent to someone when the craziness gets to be too much. Can you be that person?
I agree with Amateur and I too share Rachel’s confusion about the OP. Perhaps I have taken my agnostic life for granted, but I don’t think your boyfriend needs any resources. If he needs something else to concentrate his energies on, there are a million hobbies out there. Perhaps he can benefit from studying various religions, just so that if he ever gets sucked into a debate, he could speak intelligently on the subject. But I’d recommend this for anyone, not just agnostics.
A lot of people are wrong about things. I know I am - I just haven’t figured out all the things I’m mistaken about. If they were wrong but meant well, you forgive them. On the other hand, if they are using your trust to have power over you, that’s another issue. Many people have used religion to dictate over others.
The real problem is when a person continues to be what you consider “wrong” and won’t change. The old saying “Don’t discuss politics or religion in polite company” comes to mind as one way to deal with it. Another is to avoid such a person.
I think I understand now. I was raised irreligious - neither dogmatic faith nor dogmatic atheism. We attended Catholic and Hindu services out of form, less than a dozen times growing up. So “make yourself happy, the decisions you make set the path for your tomorrow, do good in the world, take care of your family and friends” were mantras that simply just “are” for me.
Whereas he almost needs guidance not in daily habits (he’s replaced bad with good) but in ways of thinking and reasons for his actions. Philosophy and perhaps self-help books from those recovering from religion or even psychological abuse; I’m sure these resources exist, I just figured the 'dope would have specific titles or references in mind (much like Sicks Ate and stpauler have suggested).
He needs to move his reaction time a bit forward - to recognize the barbs and (veiled or not) condemnation as they come.
I had it easy - my family was not strong on religion* and didn’t give me much grief on that count. The hair, my lack of wife (and no prospects) and politics (60’s radical from a bible-belt family) created tensions.
I moved 2,000 miles and didn’t look back.
Be certain of your beliefs and let no one attack them or you. If you can’t tell them to stop the noise, leave.
That noise can come from many sources, and many forms - religion, politics, social issues.
my kid sister (whom I love dearly) went through a “got religion” phase; during this she challenged everything in sight that wasn’t “Christian” enough for her. At one point she turned on me: “why don’t you go to church?!” “I’m an atheist” “I’m sure they have a church somewhere!”
This is perhaps the best direction - Comparative Religion - it is the rational study of various religions, what they say, what they promise, how they view others.
