I discovered today that one of the people killed at VT was the spouse of someone who applied for a position here about 5 years ago. I remember the person very clearly from the interview process.
The person we hired instead turned out to be an absolute disaster, and I can’t help but think that if we hadn’t hired that guy, this person might not be mourning the loss of a spouse.
Anyhoo, I really want to write a note to this person. I guess I can just say “I’m so sorry for your loss” and let the person try to figure out why a letter has come from some chick in Ohio. But part of me wants to say “I remember you and I have great respect for the the program you’re leading at VT and I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Would that be totally weird? Is bringing up the connection a bad idea?
Yeah, I agree with msmith. I get where you’re coming from (empathy for victims of such a tragedy), but I think it’s best to leave the person alone. Especially considering you didn’t hire him/her.
If done right, I don’t think that it would be weird at all. In times of disaster it is some times helpful to have people you don’t know or hardly know giving you messages of support. After all, they come without connotations to them.
For example, I’ll post things about my personal life here, that I won’t discuss with a friend of mine I’ve known for 20 years. Why? Because I know he lacks the emotional intelligence to understand them, and it’s entirely possible that the advice, comments, given here are identical to what he’d say, but* because I don’t know that the person saying them is a wretched failure in life (as my friend is), then they have more meaning to me, and I’m more inclined to listen to them.
My wife was recommended a good but not terribly bright or ambitious person for a position somewhere in her company. She tried to fit him into a general warehouse position or maybe just data entry. After two interviews she just let the matter drop for the time being. A few weeks later she got a call from him thanking her for the consideration but he decided to move to New York. He got a great job at the Windows on the World restaurant at the top of the WTC. A couple of weeks after that, 9/11 happened and he died.
You can’t worry about that stuff. The butterfly effect implies that you might have saved ten people or even yourself by hiring someone else just by chance. You can’t truly know what the result of any decision would be.
Actually, my “what might have been” thought came after I’d had the “Oh my god, I know that person!” reaction and really wasn’t the impetus for wanting to write. (I’d have had that reaction if the spouse had died in some natural disaster, for example.) The part about not hiring the person was the thing that made me wonder if it would be weird.
I would tend to feel that any hearfelt letter would be appeciated. The idea that you are thinking about them even though you didn’t know them well will most likely be a confort.
Don’t go into “what if’s,” but say, “I remember you from your job interview and want to express my sympathy for your loss.” As a matter of fact, “I remember you and I have great respect for the the program you’re leading at VT and I’m so sorry for your loss” or the equivalent is perfectly appropriate.
I think people worry too much about saying the wrong thing. In a time of grief, any acknowledgement helps people get through things.
I had NPR on this afternoon briefly, and they talked about how LiveJournal is reacting to this tragedy. One of the comments I heard was that someone, now a student at VT, but formerly a student at the University of Delaware (or Dartmouth, or someplace else which started with a D) really appreciated the sympathy offered from the place they came from.
Since you’ve got a closer, although admittedly still vague, connectionl, I don’t think it’s terribly weird-- a little weird, yes, but not terribly weird. I’d write a message along the lines of “You probably don’t remember me, but I remember you from the interview process. I’m so sorry for your loss . . .”
Completely weird. I would NOT want to hear from someone with some long ago remote connection that they may or may not remember, especially if your motivation is contemplating a “What if” scenario. They will be getting plenty of support from their friends and relatives.
I understand where you are coming from, but please let this go. It will only distract from the grieving process they must be going from. Maybe you or your company could contact the funeral home and pick up some of the flowers or something of that nature? Without a note.
YMMV and all that. It is a stand-up thing to feel that strongly in your situation though. It says lots of nice things about your character.
