No, we don’t. I suppose it’s possible that somewhere in the world, there’s a woman who has managed to get through her entire life without hearing that breastfeeding is best, but I’m not certain how she got pregnant, what with being stuck in that sensory deprivation tank and all.
Now, I believe there really *is * a need for more honest information on the possible difficulties inherent to breastfeeding, and how to overcome them. Part of that would be to stop telling people how very easy and natural and perfect and instinctive and absolutely necessary to the bonding process that it is, thus setting women up to feel like failures when they have trouble with it, and experience the perfectly understandable accompanying frustration.
People are a lot more likely to work through something if they’re prepared for it being hard. If they’ve been told it would be easy, then they figure it’s just not for them, and give up.
Good detailed point than my simple “get real moms and real stories out there”. I spent a few weeks watching those babystory/bringing home baby shows and they talked about some of the moms struggles, but not a lot, nor info on overcoming it. My support structure was broader than most; I had two nursing sisters and many nursing friends, and a partner who did as much as possible to help us get time to just feed.
The second time around, I pumped earlier and more often; I stopped believing the “pumping will mess up your milk” concerns as believe me, the more I could get, the better. But again, I had the time and financial ability to have a pump and freeze the milk, et cetera. Not a lot of these women my lacs at the second hospital worked with may have had the luxury of supporting breastfeeding.
But how can you possibly know all the circumstances and experiences that lead a mother to make the choices that she does? I am not talking about abuse or neglect or molestation or endangerment–I am talking about the every day choices that women make that can or cannot have a huge impact on their kids. As to your daughter being comfortable with breastfeeding-your daughter will have no memory of BF-unless you keep it up to age 5 or so. It is how you talk about her infancy, how you share your L&D story with her-and your attitude towards other mothers that will color hers.
But see, I dont’ think you understand. They might have refused for any number of valid reasons. And here is the key point: they are the arbiters of what is “valid”. If they are presented with the info and still decide to bottle feed-why don’t we ensure that they bottle feed the best way possible? This is one of those rare issues where there seems to be no leeway. If someone doesn’t want to try curry or anal sex or LSD, no one condemns them because of these decisions. But if you don’t want to breastfeed, you’re Joan Crawford, w/o money. No and No and No.
I don’t see Montessori as some huge panacea, btw. I DO see a poster who is doing what she feels is best for her daughter and that is a very good thing. Do you see the difference?
Fair enough–and you have, according to what you consider best care. Do you think that those who bottle feed think, “I’m half-assing it with this kid.”?
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Re education. I think, and I cannot stress this enough, that LCs, nurses, Lamaze teachers, dulas, midwives, OBs etc all need to be very careful and considerate. Pregnant and post partum women are experiencing major hormonal shifts, pychological adjustments, bodyimage issues and most feel emotionally fragile at some point. If anything, they are easy prey to anyone with an agenda-as the infant care books well know. I would like to strangle the authors of What To Expect When You’re Expecting, for example, for their rigid, goody good two shoes stance on mothering. I prefer the Annie Lamott version of her son’s first year.
Short answer: we need to care for new moms; we need to support them-no matter their choices (safe, legal) and we need to show others by sharing our experiences and being honest with one another-much like this thread, which is awesome.
Cyros -I could cry for you. Well do I know the guilt engendered by failing at some unknown litmus test of motherhood. I found that as a new mom, I started to avoid those mothers who would not admit to being human-who said they never cried when the baby wouldn’t stop crying, who denied ever wishing that they could run away from toddlers sick with chicken pox, who say they love helping with second grade homework etc. I always wanted to shout, “get real!”…
I was, but with some supplementation. Ten years makes a difference in my milk, who knew? He was a large baby (9 lb 12.4 oz) and he didn’t gain much weight, so we supplemented with a small amount of formula per day.
Cranky! Cranky! Look ^ – this is exactly what I mean – look at these wonderful suggestions for showing, versus telling! Let the lactivists show the world what nursing mamas look like and how they (individually) get it done; quit telling other moms what their experience should be. Or even can, because no one actually knows what another person can experience - only what they themselves have.
And I also agree with Mynn and others who’ve noted a lack of supportive, much less informed, behavior within the medical community, particularly hospital nurses. That was my experience as well.
I think what I’ve seen happen is that there is a number of women who just don’t choose to breastfeed no matter how much education they get. In an effort to reach those people, the rhetoric of the lacitivist and public health departments gets racheted up until you have the mechanical bull scenario and your making ludicrous claims as to the benefits. And when so many of us can look around and say “I was formula fed and I seem to have turned out OK,” the claims aren’t believable. When you start claiming that breast is so much better than any woman who doesn’t do it harms her child, you are simulatanously saying that any women who can’t do it is harming her child.
Instead of a negative campaign about how not breastfeeding harms, how about a positive campaign that doesn’t say “not being able to do this will condemn your child to a life of stupidity and sickness” - its cheaper, its easier once you get the hang of it, less bottles to wash, breastfed baby poop actually smells pretty good, it gets your post pregnancy body back into shape, its a great excuse to go hide for some time with your baby. Its a great mommy/girlfriend bonding experience (think birth stories are good - nursing stories are better!), it makes you chest look great.
Moreover, how about addressing the root causes - whatever they may be - of women who don’t even choose to try. Is it body image (I suspect that may be part of it)? unsupportive spouses? is it regional? do we need to do a better job making sure women know they can work and breastfeed?
I’m not in a sensory deprivation tank, but I can’t say I often hear the message: Breastfeeding is best. Period the end.
The message I hear loud and clear is: Breastfeeding is best, BUT…
after the but comes the free formula, or the quick interjection that bottle is OK too, or that it’s too difficult for many mothers, etc. etc. etc.
Sort of like I’m always hearing:
Excercising 30 minutes every day is best. It’s usually said this way: Excercising 30 minutes every day is best, BUT a brisk walk for 20 is better than nothing.
In the same vein: A healthy balanced dieat is best, BUT everyone needs a treat once in a while. You get the picture.
Although I have several “loopholes” at my disposal to explain not breastfeeding (including elements that were beyond my control - twins, PPD and ds in the NICU), I have another possibility to add to your list, Dangerosa.
Part of it for me was that I wanted my damn body back. I wanted to eat ham sandwiches and Pepsi every day for a month, and I was sick to death of modifying my diet for my babies’ benefit, as my pregnancy had necessitated. These newborns had turned my house and my life upside down and changed everything before they even arrived. My pregnancy was difficult, and I gave up everything that made me “me” (my art, my music, my career) in order to simply gestate.
After achieving the milestone of healthy birth, I wanted, I needed something of my old life back. I wasn’t ready to accept that these children owned me, forevermore, and that there IS no going back.
Good point, fessie. I’m working on my second personal illness in two weeks … I just look at the NyQuil and DayQuil sadly and drink another cup of chicken soup. Most of those packages will probably expire before I can take them again. Can’t even take Advil because one kid is allergic and I’m not ready to find out if the other one is …
And yes, I do think a lot of it is cultural, Dangerosa. Not as in [race] is more or less likely to but the sexualization of breasts; I know my image of mine changed once I started lactating; I don’t know if it will ever “go back” to what it was and my comfort level of adult handling.
Work and pumping … ugh there is not nearly enough support there, anywhere. Employers don’t see the ROI on it and I know I suffered a bit for missing every work-friends lunch for nearly a year to keep up with the pumping schedule needed to keep up(mostly)with what the kids need.
(sorry, having a grumpy day, was fighting lack of knowledge with it earlier today with a mom who didn’t know about fenu or that “relactation” was possible … not trying to paint myself as a martyr, just using the example of what I’m familiar with, me. I’m just a leetle grumpy when I can’t [insert food or other consumable or whatever here] but fine the rest of the time)
I’m not sure I understand your point here. Should the message be “Breastfeeding is best, and if you can’t you might as well let the kid starve to death?”
Now I’ve gotta go get the kids, they’re at ::cue music:: nursery school, even as I type. Took a couple of weeks for them to get accustomed to it, but now they love school; if I had my druthers, they’d be spending every afternoon there. The “terrible 2s” sent me into Enough’s Enough land again.
That is exactly what I mean by “the current breastfeeding information is not working.” “Breast is best” by itself is not giving women the tools they need, as you have suggested.
I would like the education to be more “nuts and bolts” and realistic ideas of the benefits and disadvantages of breastfeeding. The fact that it is natural does not mean that it requires no instruction or training, and I completely agree that acting as though you just shove the kid in the general direction of the breast and all problems are magically solved doesn’t help anyone.
I say it again. The current system doesn’t work. It makes you feel singled out and despised (not trying to put words in your mouth, but that is the vibe I get from your posts) and doesn’t give women who want to breastfeed the information they need.
Yes. absolutely. At 6 months, he was down to 2 feeds a day-morning and bedtime. I missed a night time one and everything sort of stopped. I mourned for maybe 2 days, but I was so glad to have my chest back.
And don’t worry-breasts as sexual aspects of yourself does come back-I’d say for me it took about 3 months after stopping BF. YMMV.
I doubt I would have continued even as long as 6 months if I hadn’t had a BF friend who had done this before and had had her 4th baby 2 months prior to my having my 3rd. I leaned on her, big time for questions and support. Never had an LC, but didn’t have need for one. I sometimes wonder about these LCs-are they required to have had personal experience with lactation? I would think that was neccessary…
I guess I owe you an apology–I misunderstood your “show not tell” comment–maybe there were some crossed posts? I agree completely with the value of showing or modeling (through your own behavior) the things you want others to do.
Honestly, I thought you meant “don’t tell breastfeeding activists how it hurts when they judge others–SHOW them by making sure they feel judged and hurt in retaliation.” That was a misreading on my part and I am sorry.