Less Peace, more War.
Scarlet Letter They kill Hester for her crime in the first and only chapter.
Curious George…Bi-Curious George.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
Potts uses the maching guns to strafe those child catching sumbitches.
The Bible : “In the beginning … whoops!”
[ul]
[li]The Great Gatsby – In a fit of rage and jealousy, Gatsby laces his party drinks with strychnine, wiping out all of East Egg high society in one magnificent stroke.[/li][li]James and the Giant Peach – James pays for his concubine’s liposuction.[/li][li]The Three Musketeers – They actually use guns, instead of those wimpy swords. D’Artagnan doesn’t bother tagging along, 'cause he’s too busy getting knackered and laid in some fashionable salon.[/li][/ul]
I always wondered why they were called "Musketeers. I finally read somewhere that they got that name because they used muskets. But it seems muskets weren’t very reliable back then, so they still depended on swords for the most part.
The Necklace - The friend says, “Oh, my necklace was paste.”
The main character then says, “What? I bought a real diamond necklace to replace a fake? Give me the real necklace back!”
She and her husband sell it, and are filthy rich.
Ohh yes.
Scarlet Letter: Hester is a dominatrix. She and Dimmesdale get it off by chaining him to the wall and whipping him. She kills the little wimp after he knocks her up, then flees to some other colony.
The Hitchhiker Guide Trilogy: Just sleep with Trillian, Arthur, you know you want to!
Little Women Joe gets mounted by Laurie when she least expects it…rampant sex ensues for the next whatever hundred pages.
The Sun Also Rises Jake Barnes never goes to war, never gets shot in the crotch, beds Brett, and thus stops whining to the reader about how he can’t get it up.
Love the thread. 
I don’t think thats a wise idea. I could just imagine Alfred Hitchcock coming after me with his bony/fat fingers if I messed with is movies…brrr
Okay, that’s just wrong. Screw with the literary masterpieces all you want, but leave the classics alone.
Jaws: The damn shark gets shredded in a boat motor, thus keeping all the pain and anguish from happening, and letting the woman at the beginning finish her naked swimming in peace, as well as complete detail.
The Yearling: the pet deer doesn’t eat all the families’ food, the cracker family doesn’t kill the deer, a very young Mamapotomus doesn’t spend the next two weeks bawling uncontrollaby.
The Red Pony: the boy doesn’t leave the pony out in the rain to get sick, the vultures don’t peck out the ponies’ eyeballs, a slightly older Mamapotomus doesn’t begin contemplating suicide.
the stories might not be better, but I would be…
How about a bible in pig latin?
**Diary of Ann Frank **While in hiding, Ann builds a time machine that enables her to come to the future, purchase the necessary weaponry with funds from the proceeds made from her book travel back in time and blow up all the Nazi’s. Kinda a jewish Sara Connor.
Sorry…I withdraw my suggestion.
In its place…
Odysseus never goes out to fight in the Iliad. He stays home, makes love to Penelope. The Odyssey, therefore, really is instead a long book about adventures of the sexual variety. Would’ve made ninth grade literature a lot more fun and enduring. 
The Hobbit: Bilbo gets beaten in the riddle game by Gollum, who eats him. The dwarves all get eaten by spiders.
The Lord of the Rings: The good guys are outnumbered and beaten by the forces of Mordor. All are killed and eaten, or enslaved. Saruman becomes a lieutenant for Mordor and tortures Gandalf for eternity. The shire is overrun by Saruman’s orcs and all the hobbits are eaten.
Heinlein: Lazarus Long dies in a farm accident at the age of 5.
Every H. P. Lovecraft story:
The main character hears about a book so evil, that merely reading it will drive you insane. To find the book, you have to explore dark tunnels under a mysterious lost city. His best friend looked for the book and died a horrible death. A bird flying overhead mysteriously cries out, “Tekeli-li!”
So the main character says, “Well, I’m not go looking for that book. I’m not an idiot.” And he lives happily ever after.
(I actually love these stories. But they are filled with characters who look for trouble.)
The Stranger- Mersault joins the NRA pre-shooting and claims hunting, which gets him off scott-free
A Doll’s House- Nora has actually been earning money as a porn star, and Torvald decides the maid is much prettier after seeing her poses
Emile- Emile runs off to join a hippie nudist camp, and swears off lye soap as evil to the environment
King Lear: Okay, Regan and Goneril, you’re both ass-kissers and I hate that! And your names suck, too. I give Cordelia credit for restraint, but she’s boring. I’ll hang on to my kingdom, and you can all fight over it after I kick the bucket.
Oedipus: That’s the weirdest riddle I ever heard! I haven’t the vaguest idea what the answer is. So what is it, Sphinx baby? Hey, why’re you staring at me? Stay away from me. STAY AWAY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Brave New World: Aldus Huxley’s typewriter ribbon breaks, and by the time he replaces it he’s forgotton what he was about to write. Oh well.
Animal Farm: The chickens decide to escape, with the help of Rocky the Rhode Island Red…
Heart of Darkness: I don’t know - I never made it past the first paragraph. Just rent Apocalypse Now and call it done.
The Raven: 'Twas my cat and nothing more, eating a bird at my chamber door.
How’s this…
Watson, I believe my escapades are becoming contrived and unbelievable. Perhaps I should turn my attention towards making love to a female.
Excellent suggestion, Zoggie! Could we expand that to a fine orgy on the brink of Reichenbach Falls? Sherlock happily enjoying monkey sex with time-outs for a little romantic violin music and a sniff or two of coke?
A Christmas Carol: Scrooge murders his jolly nephew and unctuous Tiny Tim then commits suicide. He is reincarnated as the Ghost of Christmas Modern. He is venerated for haunting shopping malls, blasting PA speakers blaring carols and torching retailers pushing Christmas crap year round.
Antigone: Isme, grieved and fed up with the dramatics, gets Antigone plowed on cheap retsina. She makes-nice to the tyrants, kills them while they’re lulled and buries her brother when Antigone sobers up. Isme marries Antigone to a winemaker, then retires to Lesbos to write poetry.
Veb
Sure, Veb- would be a great improvement. Too bad Sir Arthur Conan Doyle didn’t think like a Doper…
Your updated version of Scrooge would’ve made my 7th grade English essay much more amusing…
Scrooge ultimately shows us that changing your character makes you weak and it is far far better thing to bitch, complain, and be a sourpuss than it is to embrace humanity.
Works for me!!