Ever wanted to do it? well, heres your chance!
Wuthering Heights: Cathy comes back from the dead, but this time goes “Poltergeist” on everyone, poses that old gardener, kills everyone, before running off into the moors, cackling wildly. kate Bush could be written into the plot also.
King Lear: Lear pistol whips Edmund, before laying the smackdown upon Edgar for being such a wuss. The Fool nails Goneril.
any more?
Ooo… Kate Bush…
Sorry, this has nothing to do with your OP but I love Kate Bush.
Ok, I’ll give it a try. Romeo and Juliet fall in love. They go to the monk, who secretly marries them.
Then the monk tells Juliet’s father, “Good news, the feud is over! Your families are joined.”
Juliet’s father thinks it’s wonderful (in the play he says complimentary things about Romeo). Romeo’s father thinks it’s wonderful. No one does anything idiotic, like taking a dangerous, probably experimental potion that mimics death.
Juliet’s mother gets angry, because Juliet won’t be able to marry Paris and get his money. The mother and Paris sit around drinking and complaining, then decide to run off together and get married.
Rosencrantz and Guilderstein show up at the last minute and say, “Whew, glad we got out of Denmark when we did.”
Oh, and Rasa, Kate Bush can be in it. And she can do the soundtrack. (And I’ll say here, it’s about time she did a new album! How long since the last one?)
“A Farewell To Arms” by whoever the hell wrote it. I’d either not have anybody die and they can all live happily ever after, or have just the kid die and the wife can live. I hate depressing books. Life is depressing enough.
Old Yeller leaves the rabid animal alone and lives happily ever after to die of old age, thus saving millions of children billions of tears.
Same with Bambi, Mom is not killed in the fire, but comes back to continue teaching Bambi how to be a good deer.
*Russian lit: (collective, excuse the phrase) trains break down, guns misfire so everybody drinks more vodka; they keep talking endlessly but solve things in the end.
Gone with the wind: Scarlett realizes that Rhett is just Ashley with working gonads; shrugs, smacks the crap outta SueEllen (finally!) then moonlights at Belle Watson’s.
Dies at 89; rich, smug and smiling.
Moby Dick: the magnificent white whale sinks the ship in the first chapter, sparing the world turgid prose.
“Call me Ishmael”? Call him chum.
A Christmas Carol: Scrooge develops better eating habits and social conscience but still clobbers unctuous Tiny Tim with the goose.
Sorry, cynical moment happening.
Veb
Lord Of The Flies
At the beginning when the plane crashes, they all die.
See, from a novel to a short story.
Charlette’s Web: The spider decides that “crunchy” really is a good idea for the web after all and writes it in. The farmers see it and eat the pig, commenting on how plump and juicy its legs are.
How the grinch stole Christmas: Well, he didn’t! Talk about a misleading title here. I’d have it renamed, “How the grinch moved to Hawaii.” I don’t think anyone can be a grinch on an island where you get leid all the time.
Introduction to mathematics: Flimsy characters. No real plot. It even turns out 2+2 equals 4. I mean, talk about lack of twists and cliff hangers, I could see that one coming a mile away! Well that just blew the whole series for me right there. If I could change it, I’d make 2+2 = fish. That’ll really blow the stoners away.
Candide by Voltaire: Candide wises up, dumps Cunégonde AND Pangloss, and runs off to California to join an organic commune. New title? From Breeches to Bell Bottoms.
Don Quixote: DQ jumps up from his deathbed, tosses off his nightshirt to reveal his new shiny armor (donated by the suddenly converted townspeople)…seizes Sancho, and runs off on a new quest when Dulcinea’s letter arrives by overnight - or was that overknight? - FedEx.
Gladiator: Maximus is actually killed in the forest.
Harry Potter: Voldemort kills Harry as a child.
Of Mice and Men: George strokes whateverhisnameis’s head until it pops.
Hamlet: Instead of killing Polonius, Hamlet kills Claudius.
Jurassic Park: The dinos start ribbiting and the scientist has to develop a giant fly to feed them. It takes over the plant life, so he has to design giant plants. The dinosaurs get caught in the tall grasses, so he has to make bigger dinosaurs . . .
The Time Machine: the traveler stumbles as he walks into the machine, and breaks it.
The Bible: Adam slaps Eve’s hand away when she offers him the apply. The snake takes it and gets banished to Ireland.
Eaters of the Dead: The Vikings get really annoyed and kill the prissy stranger, then set off on a noble quest to find another Arab to help them save their people.
The Grapes of Wrath: The damned turtle gets splattered under the tires of a delivery truck, saving the readers one more useless chapter in a dreary book.
Le Mort d’Artur: Go away, you silly English pig-dog, or I shall taunt you a second time!!!
Silas Mariner- A sudden Resurgence of the Black Plauge saves future generations of the pain of this book.
Beowolf: Grendel slaughters everyone, leaving no survivors. Especially that damn chronicle guy.
Macbeth: Macbeth says, “wait, that’s not a dagger I see before me. I’m bloody hallucinating. Time for bed- bugger this king thing until I get well.” Lady Macbeth, being of the submissive sort, makes him tea.
Mrs. Dallaway: She kisses the girl, likes it, and forgets about marrying that sap.
Agammemnon: Agy boy realizes that it’s not a good idea to bring your mistress home to your wife and leaves Cassandra on the burning fields of Troy, where she can happily prophesize until kingdom come, whereupon she can scream, “HA! I was right, you fools!” after which she is made a krispy kritter.
Ancient Greek Mythology: The pantheon decides to commit their lives to chastity and benevolence.
The Jungle: Jurgis et all are killed on their way to America, thus sparing the stomachs of thousands of English students in future years.
e.e. cummings fixes the ‘shift’ key on his typewriter.
“archy and mehitibel” by Don Marquis - archy finds another cockroach to hop up and down on the ‘shift’ key.
“The Name of the Rose” - Umberto Eco misplaces his thesaurus and the book is reduced to a mere 17 pages.
“On The Origin of Species” - Charles Darwin adds one more sentence: “NOT!”
A shorter write-up of any of Jean-Paul Sartre’s works:
“We’re all fucked, basically, unless we do something. Speaking of which: it’s your round, mate.”
Hamlet:
“To be, or not to be, THAT is the question!”
…
“Screw this pretentious shit. You want Denmark? You can have it. I’m gonna order a Tuborg now.”
Wilde’s “A picture of Dorian Gray”:
“Crap, this picture looks damn fine. Wow, what an excellent way to remember how I look now: it will give me great memories in twenty years time.
Luckily, I’m not the vain type that would make insane wishes about wanting to stay the same forever! Whew!”
A Tale of Two Cities : wimpy Charles loses his head, Lucy marries Sydney Carton instead. 'Twould be a far, far better ending.
Jane Eyre : Jane kills Rochester’s wife in a jealous rage and is deported to Botany Bay.
Mmmm… Tuborg.
I’ve long thought about an All-Robot Bible.
But then he’d be stuck with Lucie for the rest of his life, and probably die of boredom. I think Sydney should get together with Lizzie Hexam from Our Mutual Friend.
Richard III: Instead of murdering Lady Anne, Richard converts her to his ways. The two of them embark on a spree of killing all the crowned heads in Europe and making witty remarks over the bodies.
Middlemarch: Dorothea and Lydgate elope to the Continent, where they learn to take themselves less seriously. Rosamund, left to fend for herself, nearly starves at first but eventually becomes a high-priced courtesan.
Othello: Emilia, Desdemona, and Bianca compare notes, expose Iago’s treachery, and start a radical feminist revolt. They rule Venice in peace and prosperity for the rest of their lives, keeping Cassio around as a houseboy and sperm donor.
[Andrew Dice Clay]
Mother Goose : I fucked her.
[/Andrew Dice Clay]