RFables: Wooden warrior--what weapon to destroy them?

I’ve been reading the Fables Graphic Novels, from Vertigo, & I love them!
Charmed the socks off me.

But, a question: The Adversary has carved Wooden Warriors of Oak, and animated them with magic. Think Wooden Terminators.
What Mundy/RL weapon could be best effective against animated figures of hardwood? Most small arms are useless, except shotgun slugs to the head, & not always* that*. Fire will eventually kill them, but until then, they are animated human torches, & all the more destructive. Even explosives are less effective than you’d think, as Wood is both tough & resilient.

Infantry weapons preferred.

Well, unfortunately you’re dealing with magically animated creatures and that’s always a pain… mostly because they’re largely insensitive to it. That makes the most effective weapons against anything normally alive rather useless. Personally, I think that’s pretty well cheating. However, if they played fair they wouldn’t be villains, so I always recommend keeping a wide assortment of destructive implements at hand when trying to save the world.

Up first for consideration is the Elephant Gun. Usually a sizable caliber, these rifles are built to stop a charging Elephant or Rhino in its tracks, and guaranteed to shatter wood when it hits. Alternative, a .50 Browning machine gun offers similar firepower in an automatic package, provided you can cart around the ammunition and actually carry the sucker. Want to make an impression? Say it with sabots!

Supposing you prefer more close-range option, go with the shotgun. Oh, not them prissy little things people use on deer, no. I’m talking about a low-gauge shotgun, something along the lines of a punt gun, perhaps using multiple-barrels. I guarantee nothing this side of earthly will survive a hit from that, but you’re gonna need to brace yourself very well to fire it, unless you enjoy having your shoulder removed without anesthetic. Failing that, an automatic shotgun can fire several slugs (go with slugs, not shells) and clear out a room quickly.

Now we get into the really fun toys: light explosives! Grenades and grenade launchers are the way to really sell yourself as a badass monster-killing machine. Now, your average frag grenade might not be enough to do the job, so here we might want to follow in the Hollywood example and use a high-explosive device instead. Frag is best for soft targets, but there are pretty tough, so HE will throw them around and break limbs* like kindling**. This might not stop them entirely, but follow up with a White Phosphorous and enjoy the barbecue. They’ll be too broke to escape and you can optionally use any cedar-based monsters to grill steaks in the aftermath.

Now, while it’s true these are all handy options, now and then you may be getting into closer range, which is why I recommend keeping a more normal shotgun, sawed-off, ready at hand to blast off any nearby limbs. Sure- it’s magically-animate oak. Tough stuff. But knees and other joints are the loveliest things to rend! And even the worst terminator-wannabe is usually a lot less intimidating once it’s reduced to sprawling on the ground and hoping you come within nomming range.

*Pun intended!
**Ditto!

If the wood isn’t sealed, water would cause them to swell up, which would limit their mobility. Similarly, you could hit them with a very light oil which would also soak in, making them softer.

Then again, a flamethrower would probably be your best bet.

Axes?

Now they are still attacking you, and on fire.
:eek:

A couple of questions first:[ul][li]Are their limbs jointed like puppets or does the wood somehow magically bend at the joints? If the former, the joints would be obvious weak points.[]If they’re homogeneous pieces of wood, do wounds “kill” them (like say chopping the head off) or do you have to more or less break them to pieces to stop them?[]How strong are they? If they’re as strong as the material limit of their limbs, they’re going to be dire foes.[/ul][/li]
Pre-industrial, you’re going to want a good ax, or at a minimum a heavy broadsword. If it’s an infantry formation situation halberds and other poleaxe weapons would do.

If industrial tech is available, I’d second heavy shotguns and large caliber rifles, with explosives if you’re talking about taking out masses of them. Sadly, chainsaws would not work- too slow.

So lay down some grease first, and they’re lying down, flailing around, and on fire.

An incendiary weapon, mounted on a fast vehicle. Light them on fire when they’re ten miles from your camp, then retreat. Even if they don’t burn instantly, they’re going to burn before they reach you.

What kind of fire are you using? Or, rather, what are you using as fuel (besides the Tree Golems)? A little slapdash Googleing indicates that gasoline, for example, burns at about 500°F—while napalm burns at something like two thousand degrees. And burns for ten minutes, and is sticky. And is difficult to extinguish with water. :eek:

Perhaps you might try something more exotic, too—like Chlorine Trifluoride? Or even some high-test peroxide? (Warning: These may be…slightly more dangerous than using fire against Tree Golems.)

And I’ll second the query on how their “joints” work, and if merely “wounding” them will kill them. With the added question of if they can be blinded/deafened, and if their limbs, if severed, remain animate. For science.

Elmer’s Glue and a biiiiig hair dryer.

[quote=“Lumpy, post:6, topic:674087”]

A couple of questions first:[ul][li]Are their limbs jointed like puppets or does the wood somehow magically bend at the joints? If the former, the joints would be obvious weak points.[]If they’re homogeneous pieces of wood, do wounds “kill” them (like say chopping the head off) or do you have to more or less break them to pieces to stop them?[]How strong are they? If they’re as strong as the material limit of their limbs, they’re going to be dire foes.[/ul][/li][/QUOTE]

From my recollection:

  1. They have joints like puppets. Just like Pinocchio, in fact (before his “real boy” phase).
  2. Cutting one’s head off doesn’t kill it. The comics show that the severed head is perfectly capable of having a conversation, for instance.
  3. They’re certainly stronger than humans, at any rate. That doesn’t necessarily make much difference if they’re shooting guns at you, though.

A .50 caliber machine gun; those things can cut trees in half, so it should do the same to these guys.

Jointed, with tough steel, except at the major joints, where wood ball joints 9carved) exist.

BTW–“wounding” does nothing.

And if a limb or head comes off, the fallen can be salvaged for parts during the fight!:eek:

Are these seasoned campaigners or just a splinter group? Do their leaders bark out orders, or does that go against the grain? Are they well-drilled or do they just lumber about?

(If edged weapons won’t stop them, wordplay might: the pun is mightier than the sword.)

How about some FOOF?

In the comic? Dragon fire.

There’s a prototype microwave crowd-dispersal weapon that might cause the metal to heat up enough to burn loose from the sockets. It wouldn’t affect the ball joints at the major joints, but without a spine, the thing’s not going anywhere fast.

It would get the job done, but it’s on a par with beating rats to death with a rattlesnake. :smiley:

Milkor MGL Six-shot 40mm grenade launcher.