So the other day I was skimming the news and I read, “man shoots guy with knife.” My first thought was how did he shoot someone with a knife? It took me a few minutes to realize, I am so tired he used a gun to shoot the guy with the knife. 
The signs on the side of the road that say, “Slow children at play” used to made me think they were warning drivers to be on the lookout for retarded kids.
I was driving with a friend of mine who said, upon seeing one of those signs, “awww those poor kids…”
He would also remark on “Open joints on bridge” signs with “why? they won’t be much good if I open them.”
I went past a McDonald’s that was advertising a new type of burger with a tag line “It’s the lawyers that make the difference!”
I was trying to figure out if they meant their lawyers’ advice on consumer negligence laws had improved the burgers, or, more ghoulishly, that the burgers were made with ground-up lawyers?!?
Then I realized the burgers had layers…
The knife had a gun, and it was holding the guy hostage with it. The man was aiming for the knife but he hit the knife’s gun instead. It’s a miracle no one was hurt.
Try interpreting this one right: Two bicyclists killed by boat.
It turns out the boat fell off the flat bed truck that was moving it.
I didn’t make this one, but it’s too funny not to include. When I was in the ER once, the doctor told me that there was a case once of a guy who was seriously injured when a bobcat fell off the truck in front of him and crashed through his windshield. She was concerned about the bobcat, poor li’l kitty, and asked a couple of people if the bobcat was OK. Everyone was wondering why she cared about the bobcat, and she was thinking she was working with some very callous people, until someone told her about the company that makes compact building and excavating vehicles.
the most famous
“Squad helps dog bite victim”
Heres the book
a pile of them found here…quite funny
http://www.alta.asn.au/events/altss_w2003_proc/altss/courses/somers/headlines.htm
Yes, thank goodness no injuries were reported!
Priceless! That made me laugh.
I was at the supermarket around the end of November. There was a sign in the cashier’s area that said something like “Aprils leaving drinks at <some pub> at <some date/time> all welcome”. My first thought was why do they wait 6+ months to have leaving drinks for people who quit in April? I was halfway out of the store before it clicked that the leaving drinks were for a person named April. :smack:
Years ago I remember seeing a headline in my local paper: “Residents unite to help burn family.” Turns out it was about helping the family after a house fire, not a witch trial.
In the spirit of Christmas. When I was young and we used to repeat one of the creed that said Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit, I thought that meant it was the Holy Spirits idea.
There’s the hoary old one from the era of the World Wars – newspaper headline: “French [or British] push bottles up 20,000 Germans”.
There is the syntactically ambiguous: “Flying planes can be dangerous.” Also how do you interpret the perfectly grammatical sentence: “The horse raced past the barn fell”?
The horse that wasraced past the barn fell. If you replace “raced” by “ridden” a verb whose preterite differs from its past participle, the difficulty disappears.
Fancy Ass Cookies.
That’s what I read on the box sitting behind my friend’s head as we perused the dollar store kiosks.
Then she shifted, and I could read the rest of the label : fancy assorted cookies.
Headline: High Court Hears Marijuana Case.
A sign in a nearby neighborhood says “STOP for me it’s the law.” It has a picture of a pedestrian at the top.
Given the font and all caps change, I always read it as “STOP. For me (i.e. for pedestrians) it’s the law.” and I always wonder why there’s a sign telling pedestrians to stop in the crosswalk, but I appreciate that it’s their job to get out of the way so that I can drive right through. 
At a funeral I looked over at table with a cardboard display stand that appeared to say “How to protect your asses during mourning”. The angle and some shadows obscured the message which was actually “How to protect your *assets *during mourning”.
I guess funerals do this to me, they’re boring and I kind of shut down so there’s no processing of incoming information. At another funeral someone stated after the ceremony that “food and drink would be served at the ho’s house”. I was baffled, finally realizing on the way out that the recently departed was a former fireman and the event was continuing at a local bar called The Hose House.
Keep and eye out for that missing Native American, too, willya?