I hope that this is justified being posted in great debates. My question is on rights and reasons. Namely the rights that I as an American citizen have and the justifiable reasons for not abusing these rights.
I’m happily married to a beautiful woman. We’ve been married for about 2 years now and have a 14-month-old boy. I’ve never cheated on my wife nor have I ever tried or wonted to. We both come from strong family backgrounds and believe that family and marriage are things to believe in and live by.
This weekend a long time friend is coming to town on a business trip. I’ve known this woman for years and have a close friendship with her. We have never been romantically involved. I consider her more of a sister/daughter then a friend.
My wife has only met my friend once and had barley spoken to her then. My wife showed very strong emotions towards my friend that manifested themselves in a negative matter. But since my friend lived hundreds of miles away, I never tried to hard to resolve the situation.
My question is this: does my wife have any justifiable reasons to not want me to spend time with my friend?
It all comes down to trust in the end. If your marriage is as strong as you say, your wife should trust you enough not to stray. I would not say that your wife has to become friends with her, but you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about your friends. A marriage involves two people, so you have to keep up your end of the bargain too.
Nope.
Not at all.
Not even a little.
No way.
Not a single reason imaginable.
In this day and age, we have moved beyond the idea that sex is automatically involved in a relationship with a person of opposite gender. Your wife is free not to like this woman, but she * is * your friend, and it behooves your wife to be civil to her and not to give you a hard time about it at all.
stoid
I’m guessing Stoid is female.
Women often assume that a man will have a secret sexual agenda in any relationship with an attractive (possible)partner, and will act on that agenda if the opportunity presents itself. There is a good reason why they assume this. More often than not, they’re right.
But lets turn the tables.
Your SO has a very close friend that lives a good distance away. You discover that this friend is an attractive, hunky, successful man. You meet this man once, and he is charming as well. This charming, attractive man is coming to visit your SO. What would be your first reaction? Trust, or jealousy?
It’s not trust. You may come to trust, reluctantly, because acting on your jealousy would not be good. But it’s there anyway. If I were you, I’d cut the wife a little slack. Reassure her, and invite her along for any plans with the visiting friend.
Just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it.
I have no problems with my wife spending time with her ex-boyfriends. She is still in regular contact with four of them. One is the father of her daughter, so that’s to be expected. Two others are good friends of hers, who she was friends with during long periods of time when she wasn’t dating them. One is around all the time. I’m not the least bit worried about this or jealous, I guess because I believe my wife when she says she’s in love with me and has no interest in other guys. I have been in situations before where I was jealous and worried about girls I was with cheating on me, but this was because I did not trust them like I trust my wife. This is also part of the reason why I’m not married to them.
I think a good pre-marriage test would be to have your S.O. go spend a weekend with an ex or attractive friend of the opposite sex, in a place where you cannot check up on them. If you have any problem with that, DON’T MARRY THAT PERSON.
depends on what your wife REALLY THINKS about men in general and you in particular. some women think men are either weak willed dummies or incurable wolves. does she behave this way with just your friend or other women also? how BEAUTIFUL is your friend? only you and your wife can work this out. we can only guess over the internet.
Dal Timgar
Seeing as I am pathetically single at this point, I don’t have anything too useful to add in this debate. I do have a question though, aceospades. I don’t understand your introduction. What does your rights or responsibilities as an American citizen have to do with a question of the vows in your marriage?
Spooje: your right when you say that trust is not the first thing that I feel, but only for a split second. I’m not the type of person who jumps to conclusions. If the sinairo you described happened, I would genially wish my wife to have a good time. She’s never showed any sings for my not to trust her in the past and for me to start suspecting things for no reasons would just be a waist of time and emotions. I know that my wife and I are two different people and I should not expect her to act or react the same way I do, but where’s the line drowned.
Badtz maru: it’s funny, because now that you mention it, I did go spend 3 days with said friend (who by the way is very attractive) about 6 months before I got married. At the time my wife (to be) didn’t seem to have a problem it. Yet she still has such a strong negative reaction to my friend. Go figure?!?
Dal_timgar: my wife has had a bad history with all men in her life before she met me. I’m pretty sure that she leans more towards the incurable wolves’ idea of men. My friend IS beautiful, but then so is my wife. In the end I married my wife.
Enderw24: the rights and responsibilities I was referring to deal with my right to happiness (as in life, liberty, and the pursuit of) and the responsibilities I have in my wife’s feelings. Spending time with my friend makes me happy. Me spending time with my friend doesn’t seem to make my wife happy. My wife’s happiness, to a certain extent, it my responsibility. Does my wife have a justifiable reason for me not to spend time with my friend?
All I’m saying is that jealousy is a very common emotional reaction to said circumstances, and not at all an inappropriate one. It’s human nature. I’m not saying anyone should act on the jealousy, but you should recognize it.
My fiance has the same (possibly more intense) feelings as your wife. I have always had a disproportionate share of female friends. Some of them are old girlfriends(ok…most) and some have always just been friends.
My fiance HATES them.
I went through all the logic with her, I went through the trust thing…
I begged, I pleaded, we fought and things could get tense when the topic came up.
So the compromise we agreed on was that discrection is the better part of valor.
She knows she is being a little pyscho about the whole thing, but she is a women and can’t help it. When her emotions get going she just feels the way she feels. I have to admit that with certain people she is feeling much more comfortable with them.
So I occasionaly talk on the phone with or e-mail my old friends when she is not around. I don’t try and fill her in on the details of their lives, and she stays fairly level-headed about the whole thing. Sometimes I even meet them out for dinner or stop by a party without telling her.
I could never live with myself if I cheated on her, but I also couldn’t live with myself if I abandoned all my old friends. She can’t live with them. So we compromised.
I would prefer that the whole thing be completely open and that she was friends with them as well, but I recognize that I do not have the right to make that demand of her.