The critical remarks that go wide of the mark don’t sting, and the ones that don’t give me something to think about.
You were in a relationship for 12 years and didn’t, until recently, have thoughts of wanting other people? That’s a long time. To me that says that with a little work and change in your thoughts you could give this more of a chance.
How much does being poly-amorous give you an easy out of this? Every long term relationship has good times and bad times and working through the bad times makes everything better. I don’t know very many people who have had a twelve year run of good times. It just seems like a shame to let it go over The Blahs without a fight to save it.
You said that you’re not perfect for her, well no one is perfect for anyone else and you’re never going to find that. From what you write it does sound like you’re leaving over boredom and wanting some new sexual experiences. Most people eventually realize that good sex isn’t as important as good everything else.
Because polyamory is not promiscuity any more than monogamy is chastity. Words have meanings, and accepted understanding. Your spin on what polyamory is ignores both.
I don’t really have an opinion on the monogamy/polygamy moral discussion (‘don’t be deceptive’ is my requirement, and beyond that, what works for you is your own business - however, I do agree the relationship was obviously ill-advised), but I have to say, the op’s post and the posts of those who say he should have stayed in the relationship,was an idiot/jerk for ending it, etc, scare the shit out of me regarding long-term relationships (I’ve never had one).
Call me naive, but to me, a romantic relationship in which there is no TOUCHING, let alone sex* is dead and soul-sucking. Wanting to have physical contact with a significant other is a mid-life crisis?! Jesus Christ. If the op’s description is an accurate portrait of a worthwhile long-lasting relationship, I’ll pass, thanks.
Regarding the specific poster I quoted, you do realize that you don’t have to choose between physical and non-physical connection with another person, right? There actually does exist a happy (and I’d argue, essential) medium, even if you are old and not particularly physically attractive.
*Yes, sex is important. Pretending otherwise is either disingenuous or a sad reflection on one’s personal situation. Obviously, those with extremely low sex drives are exempt.
One caveat - the op doesn’t say what, if anything, he and she tried to maintain and/or save the relationship. I do believe if the relationship was worth having it’s worth trying to save, but if it can’t be, then that’s that, and any amount of wishful thinking won’t change that.
Moderator note
Seconded.
The OP is getting a fair amount of heat here, and much of it may be deserved since the outcome was more or less to be expected. But that is no justification for conjuring up the picture of the OP as a fat, spent middle-aged man based purely on speculation and then mocking him for it.
From whence comes the recurrent meme that I’m interested in dating / trying to date women significantly younger than I am?
Well it’s way too early to report any news, but maybe just possibly there’s room somehow to give it another shot, and if there is I would rather explore that than not explore it.
I want to apologize, AHunter3, and to Guin and others reading – I have my view on what relationships and commitment are supposed to mean, especially toward midlife, but that was no excuse for an ad hominem like that. I’m sorry.
So, if calling a spade a spade comes a little too close to the cold hard truth, some of the more libertine elements of the SDMB accuse you of putting a “spin” on the topic.
Got it.
Got it.
(Just joining in with my namesake).
Apology accepted. That was gracious of you.
It sounds like it was a healthy break up for both of you. Just a couple of my thoughts from reading the above posts.
Relationships are not contracts.
I felt for a the first couple of relationships I had that if I was excruciatingly honest about what my expectations were that my behaviour was excusable. It wasn’t. I hurt a two really good people who were willing to agree with what I wanted because they were in love with me.
If you truly feel this is the only path you will ever take with future partnerships (and I do mean the multiple), then please be sure that the other party not only agrees with your honesty and boundaries, but they actually have the same level of emotional investment in said agreement.
Someones pain, no matter how well-deserved, is still pain. So for that I can empathize. But I can’t say I can really work up much actual sympathy. I mean, polyamorous is pretty much the same thing as saying, right from the start, that you expect every relationship to end sooner or later, right (and usually sooner)? That’s just a completely different set of expectations going in. You were expecting/hoping for this to happen from the get-go. Herself was not (although she may have agreed to your conditions).
But actually, the reason I’m posting is this:
I for one can’t understand this ‘relationships mean sacrifice’ meme. Because in the good relationships I’ve been in, I’ve never felt like I was ‘sacrificing’ anything. If I feel like I’m sacrificing something, that to me is a pretty good sign that I’m in a bad relationship.
Sacrifice is not always bad, it depends what it is.
Being in a relationship means sacrificing being selfish and only caring about yourself. It means giving your partner’s wants and needs equal footing as your own. It shouldn’t mean giving up something you love because the other person is selfish or sacrificing beliefs that are important to you.
And to the OP. You say you are poly-amorous but that doesn’t have to never change. If this is the best relationship you’ve ever had, maybe you aren’t any more. Maybe you’ve turned into someone who would be more happy loving one person at a time.
There is something very freeing about being committed to one person You remove the worry of who will love you and be with you, and eliminate the search for someone special or even eliminate the choice of what you’ll do if you meet someone special.
Sorry to hear it, man.
Your join date is August, 2000. I assume you haven’t been reading the boards regularly for that time because if you had, you’d know that AHunter3 has identified as polyamorous all along. This isn’t a passing fancy of his.
Huh???
I am totally not following you. The answer to that question would be “no” and I don’t understand how you could think otherwise. I’m most curious about your logical process here.
Being polyamorous is, if anything, the expectation that no relationship ever has to end, not even if you fall in love with someone else, not even if both of you fall in love with other people.
that is just not honest. you know very well that Herself would be hurt if you had fallen in love with other people. the relationship would have ended immediately, labels or no, even if you had ‘merely’ had casual sex with another.
the inability of others to follow your line of thought or position is a good reflection of how the balance of power, whether you personally think so or not, is skewed towards you in that relationship. starting a partnership where one, and only one, party enters it with an ‘escape clause’ (for lack of a better description) like that is
because, seriously? you intend to defend yourself for starting a relationship where you, and only you, called dibs on a “Get Out of Jail Free for Cheating on Your Partner” Card?
to dare view it as an experiment is a slap on the face for wasting 12 years of her time and emotions on you.
Charley, i said if. because want it or not, it is an option that the woman loses, not the man.
shijinn: Not following you EITHER. Can’t even tell if you’re intending this to be a continuation of the conversation-thread in which I was replying to DragonAsh or not.
I understand she’d be hurt if I had become involved with someone else. As I said in my OP, that fact did have an effect on my behavior. How does this indicate a(n) “[im]balance of power”?
How does the inability of various people to keep up & follow my line of thought implicate an imbalance of power?
What, to your way of thinking, does it mean to “call dibs on a ‘Get Out of Jail Free for Cheating on Your Partner’ Card”, and how does it differ from being a self-identified monogamous person who leaves the monogamous relationship in order to be monogamous with someone else? EDIT: Or for that matter just to not be with this person any more, never mind being with anyone else?
And what in the NAME of hell does being a woman versus being a man have to do with anything in here?
And who is Charlie?
I can’t speak for the person who says it but to me it would be like:
Her: You slept with someone else?
You: Yes.
Her: Why?
You: You knew I was poly when we started. I told you!
Sorry, but that’s just complete BS.
You know full well that the vast majority of people - including Herself - prefer monogamy. You thus know full well that just about every relationship you go into, the woman is merely going along with it because of her emotional investment in you - an emotional investment that isn’t fully shared.
'But she agreed to it!" is a cop-out. The relationship will end, because your stance is, “I reserve the right to shag whomever I want, whenever I want, and I’ll end the relationship if it is preventing my ability to shag others”, and that simply isn’t what other people sign up for.
Saying ‘no relationship need to end’ to me sounds like a rather feeble, pathetic attempt at trying to justify your lifestyle. You’re selfishly avoiding the comittments and responsibilities that go into long-term relationships, so that you can continue to shag others.
Let’s suppose for the sake of argument that you do in fact find multiple women willing to continue a long-term swinging lifestyle relationship with you. Now suppose you all start getting older - what if, for some reason, two or more of them suddenly depend on you for emotional or financial support. Would you be available to both? Would you be financially capable of helping both? Are you prepared to help both (or more) equally? What about families? Real relationships involve more than just the other person - they have famiiles and friends as well. Would you be ready/able to help out with family/friend issues for multiple partners?
Look, your lifestyle choice is your choice. And if you’re completely open about it, well then I guess the women in your life are free to make their own choice. But it doesn’t mean I have to have any sort of sympathy for you, since by definition, in my book, you’re only getting a dose of what you are dishing out. And in my mind it doesn’t absolve you from the responsibility of knowing that you’re forcing the vast majority of the women into a very unequal relationship, that will always result in the woman coming out on the short end of the deal. shijinn has it completely right.
Yeah, I know he’s a professed polyamorist. Yet despite it, he found himself in a de facto exclusive relationship. His situation is really no different than those of all the millions of monogamists who finds themselves tempted to stray after X years of exclusivity, other than the fact that he did the stand-up thing and ended it rather than just cheating.
I don’t think being polyamorous has much to do with it at all.