Roadside Assistance

I got a new car in February and I’m still in love with it. Yesterday, on my way to work as make a right turn, I hear this large startling “BANG!” from the back of the car.

I’m in traffic and can’t stop, and nothing seems wrong. It doesn’t happen again, and I make it to work without incident.

It happens again during my lunch break while turning. It sounds really bad, like the suspension is falling off.

I experiment on another turn, and it happens yet again.

Slowly I pull into Burger King and stop the car.

What am I going to do?

I look underneath the car and everything looks ok. Hmmm.

Then it occurs to me that I have this magic card in my pocket. For having purchased a BMW the salesguy told me that that meant that I was the smartiest and canniest people on the face of the earth.

Because of the discrimininating test, no nonsense attitude, frugalness and sexual proficiency of BMW owners BMW feels that they have no choice but to give each and every BMW owner a card.

The card says “BMW ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE,” and indeed looks very important. It has my name and a number on it like a credit card.

I was told that the power of this card was so great, that if I ever ran into a problem, anytime, anywhere with my automobile, all I had to do was dial this number, and they would help me out free of charge.

This, they felt they owed me as the least they could do for my having demonstrated such fine judgement, acumen and canniness to have purchased a BMW in the first place.

As a BMW owner, and a member of an exclusive fraternity, they know that I demand such a level of service.

“Well,” I think. “I am experiencing a problem.”

I grab the cell phone and dial the number. It is picked up on the first ring by a highly competant sounding professional voice.

“Good afternoon. This is BMW Roadside asisstance. Gunter Von Flugershlugen speaking (name changed to protect the innocent.) How may I help you?”

“Hi.” I say. “I got a problem with my car. It keeps making a loud bang, Gunter.”

“Yes Sir. We’re going to take of that for you,” says Gunter. And, you know what? Listening to that voice, I just know it’s true. Everything is going to be ok, now that Gunter’s on the task. No doubt about it. “Do you have your BMW Roadside asisstance card with you, Sir?”

“Yes I do.”

“Can you read me the number on your card, Sir?”

I read him the number, and there is a brief pause.

“And are you Mr. Scylla, Sir?”

“I am.”

“OK, Mr. Scylla. I have all the technical specifications and service history of your vehicle in front of me. Is the problem with your black BMW 3 series?”

“Yes Gunter it is.” Gunter clearly knows his stuff.

“We’re going to take care of your problem right away. Can you describe it for me again, Mr. Scylla Sir.”

“Uh sure. My car is making this intermittent large banging sound. It’s coming from the back of the car, and it seems to happen when I’m making turns. I hope the suspension hasn’t broken. It sounds really loud.”

There’s another pause, then Gunter speaks.

“Mr. Scylla? Are you in your vehicle now?”

“Yes I am.”

“OK Mr. Scylla what I would like you to do is turn the vehicle off if it’s not already turned off, and then I’d like you to exit the vehicle immediately. Can you do that for me Mr. Scylla?” Gunter sounds pretty serious and I suddenly wonder if I’m in danger.

“Ok here I go. Ok Gunter the car is off. I am now outside the vehicle.”

“Excellent, Sir. What I would like for you to do now for me Mr. Scylla, if you would, is proceed directly to the rear of your vehicle.”

“Ok Gunter. I’m there now. Are you sure this is safe?”

There’s another pause.

“Gunter?” I ask.

“Mr. Scylla. I believe that there is no danger to you whatsoever. Are you at the rear of the vehicle.”

“Yes. I am.”

“What I would like you to do now Mr. Scylla is open the trunk and tell me what you see.”

“OK, Gunter. If you say so.” I’m a little nervous. This is a new car and I’ve never worked on it. I know nothing about German engineering. Why couldn’t Gunter just send a mechanic?

“I’m opening the trunk now, Gunter.”

“Excellent Mr. Scylla. What I’d like you to do now is tell me if you see any large loose objects that might be moving freely around your trunk, Sir.”

I’m absolutely flabbergasted.

“Sir. Do you see any large loose objects that might be moving freely about your trunk. Large Objects? Metal? Round. Do you see anything like that, Sir.”

Suddenly I don’t feel like such a smart, discriminating, and keen consumer anymore.

“Ummm. Well umm, just this uh empty propane tank I put in the trunk Monday to get refilled,” I say in the smallest voice I’ve used since I was in the 2nd grade.

“Mr. Scylla, Sir? I believe that cylinder may be source of the noise you are hearing.”

“Ummm. Yeah. You may be right, Gunter.”

“Mr. Scylla? I believe that if you secure that cylinder so that it is no longer moving freely about your trunk space as you make turns that will stop the noise you are hearing.”

“That’s a good idea, Gunter. I will do that.”

“Would you like me to stay on the line and assist you with that task, Mr. Scylla, Sir?”

“No. Thank you, Gunter. I think I can handle that.”

“Is there anything else I can help you with, Sir?”

“I’d kind of forgotten I put that cylinder there.”

“Yes Sir, I’m sure you did. Can I be of any further asisstance, Mr. Scylla?”

“I guess this kind of thing has happened before?”

“Yes Sir. Once or twice. Is there anything else I can do for you today, Mr. Scylla?”

“No Gunter. Thank you for the help.”

“It’s been my pleasure Mr. Scylla. Thank you for calling BMW Roadside asisstance. If you experience any other difficulties please don’t hesitate to call us back.”

“I won’t.”

“Have a good day, Sir.”

Now THAT’s funny. :smiley: I wonder how many times Gunter is going to tell that story?

You, sir, never cease to amaze me. Who actually uses that roadside assistance card? I didn’t think the phone number was real (but then again, I drive a Kia, so it may not be.)

Oh yeah, and I did the same thing once, only it was my dad, not Gunter, making me feel like a moronic boob.

What you don’t realize is that two and half years from now when your BMW ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE card expires, Gunter’s gonna call you up late one night and laugh his ass off at you. Gunter’s keeping a list. Be assured of that.

WOW! The BMW & DELL techs must train together. They tend to make me feel the same way. At the point that I start to feel stupid is when I’ve learned to lie…“No, nothing loose in this trunk!”

BMW Employee Message Board
Thread Title: Why do they let idiots buy BMWs?
Gunter Von Flugershlugen

You people in Sales have got to be more careful about who you sell cars to. Would you believe that someone called me today to report that a loud banging noise from the back of his car whenever he made a turn? Stupid jackass had an empty propane tank rollling around in his trunk. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing.

Forget Wooster and Jeeves. Scylla and Gunter are the new literary duo for the 21st century!

I once had to call Micron tech support because I wasn’t getting any sound. As it turns out this was due to the fact that the volume was set to minimum. Unlike Gunter though, my guy seemed to have a sense of humor about it.

How many pounds was this this propane tank?

Reason I ask is some friends of mine, all young men, had a loaded propane tank in the back of their jeep when they rolled. They were buckled in but the tank wasn’t. Smashed them all to death.

Even tho you are driving a BMW, you should still be aware of what you are driving around with in your trunk.

TO: BMW/Gunter Von Flugershlugen
FROM: Scylla

The right and left rear quarterpanel on my new BMW has now erupted with a mild case of acne. There are bumps in the surface of the sheet metal – what should I do?

Scylla –

I know how you feel because just the other day I had an empty tank behind my seat and it was like the thing had legs: it was all over the car. After I filled it (and doubled the weight) I put it within reach and drove really slowly.

In the 7-series, the propane-tank strap is standard.

Pssst, Scylla, c’mere…If your car begins to sputter and choke, gasping for breath, and then the engine becomes suddenly and eerily silent, seemingly lifeless, pull as best you can to a safe area and immediately exit the car. But just before you exit your car, or call Gunter again—now here’s the real tip, for which I’m sure you’ll thank me, as I know Gunter will—check your gas gauge.

For the record, IANAMechanic and YMMV

Having worked in an Emergency Roadside Service position for 3 years, I can assure you, this story will go around the call center. And I can tell you, these kind of stories make the Customer Service Rep smile just as much as it’s making everyone smile here. :smiley:

(Yeah, I’ve had some almost as strange… and some downright scary!)

I once called to complain that my telephone headset had stopped working. First question: Did you check the batteries, Sir? My god, did I feel like an ass. I could actually hear her eyes rolling over the phone.


30-some years ago, my dad was having trouble with a stopwatch he bought - it wouldn’t run. He went back to the jeweler where he bought it to complain. First question from the helpful man: “How tight did you wind it?”

To which Dad replied: “Wind it?” :o

I once walked half a mile pushing a rental Honda Nighthawk, with my girlfriend by my side. I was certain it had just run out of gas. After reaching a gas station and filling it up, the little bitch still wouldn’t start.

Then it dawned on me. Shades of my earliest riding lesson popped in to my head.

My right thumb had inadvertedly hit the “kill” switch while braking, shutting off the ignition, and thus, the engine. I flipped the switch, we got on the bike, and rode off.

Took me a few hours to get to grips with my own stupidity, after which I confessed to my girlfriend that our unwanted strawl down the boulevard was really all my fault. :slight_smile:

I once had to call a towtruck because my car wouldn’t start. Now this car was a POS, and it died ALL the time. And it had to go and die in a parking garage this time, so they couldn’t even get the tow truck in. So the guy and I are standing there, trying to figure this out, and he says to me, “Did you put this in Drive when I got here, or did you just leave it like that when you got out?”

My car wouldn’t start with the transmission in drive.

Man, was my face red.

GMRyujin, I did a similar thing. Ran into the flying club to drop something off, then ran out to leave, only to have a “dead” car. In a panic, I went back into the office and one of the men came out. He asked if I’d kiss him if he could fix it. I agreed. He put it in Park and turned the key. He got his smooch and I went on my way.

Stupid car.

I have a lap top, but I prefer using a mouse to that little pad at the bottom. One time, I got really, really worried because the mouse wouldn’t work. I thought the computer had frozen. I restarted the computer at least 2 times before realizing that the mouse wasn’t plugged into the computer. :rolleyes:

Please share!

My mother-in-law and her beau drive a PT Cruiser. One day on vacation they started the car and were greeted with a loud alarm which didn’t cease. They went tearing off down the road until they saw a Plymouth dealership and screeched in and jumped out in a panic thinking it was going to blow up.

The salesman strolled out and calmly leaned on the back hatch door until it latched completely.

“Happens ALL the time!”