Rolling On The Floor, Laughin' My Ass Off...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, as many of you may know, I work in a call center. Sometimes, this affords me unique glimpses into the human condition.
Sometimes the shit that goes down is just plain hilarious.
I am not talking about the techno-babble you hear geeks laughin’ about all the time, I mean the genuinely funny shit that goes down while some of these people are on the phone with me…

Example:
One night I am on a call, trying to help a lady with something. We don’t have the kind of cubicles where you are all closed in, so the floor is kind of open. Anyway, there was someone sitting at the desk next to me, and he was on a call too.
I guess he was overwhelmed with mirth because he started laughing out loud. He then hit “mute” on his phone and stood up, declaring in a loud voice for all to hear
“Holy shit! This fuckin’ ladie’s beatin’ the shit out of her cat!”
He said this so loudly that the lady I was talking to went GASP! and hung up.
That was pretty funny.
but tonight, I had one top it. The funniest shit.

I was on a call with an African American gentleman, at least I think he was based on his accent and manner of speaking. He was very polite and courteous, he just wanted to fix his problem. But in the background was the bitchiest, loudest, most obnoxious woman on earth.
While we were trying to fix his problem, she could clearly be heard saying
“I done tol’ ya not ta get a Brand X! See? Din I tell you? I tol’ you, ya dummy, ya dumb-ass, ya dumb-ass muthagfucka. Why dint ya get a Brand Y? Shoulda got a Brand Z or a even a Brand W. Now you a punk. I done tol ya, ya punk. Ya punk-ass, ya punk ass bitch. Stupid muthafucka, buyin’ a Brand X!”
And on and on and on, I couldn’t believe the mouth on this woman, it was making me emabarrassed, wow. It was also pretty funny some of the shit she was talking. I was having a hard time with not laughing.

So anyway, the man calmly ignores this bullshit going on in the background for about 10 minutes straight.
Then all of a sudden, I guess he decides he can’t stand no mo’, cause he says to me, polite as you please
“Would you excuse me for a moment, please?”
“Sure,” I say.

Now, I am expecting him to ask her to be quiet, or tell her to leave him alone, or that they’ll talk about it later, so I am totally unprepared for what happened next.

I hear him cover the receiver with his hand. Then I hear a shout, only slightly muffled

“BITCH IF YOU DON’T SHUT THA FUCK UP, IM’A PUT MY BOOT IN YO’ ASS!”

I literally fell out of my chair. Luckily, he was about half a minute longer, regaining his composure or what not, so I had a chance to regain mine.

He came back on with
“Sorry 'bout that, I’m back now.”
The background was peace and quiet for the rest of the call.
A few minutes later we were able to fix the problem and he seemed happy.

That was the funniest shit I ever came across in the course of my job to date.
Whew, it still gives me the giggles.

disclaimer
Don’t think that I condone this type of behaviour, towards men or towards women or towards anyone.
I know that some one is going to think
“You thought that was funny? You misogynist asshole!”
but you must look at it from both sides. She was cussin’ and yellin’ and insulting him. So he cussed and yelled and insulted back. I didn’t hear any commotion like he actually hit her or anything, so it was tit for tat.
I know, he threatened her with violence, but how many times during the course of a relationship (intimate, friend, family, it doesn’t matter) can you recall telling someone that you were gonna kill them or kick them or punch them or some shit, and meant it as a metaphor for “I will be really pissed off,” That’s all. Really.
So if you’re looking for a thread to start a feminist coup or some shit, this is the wrong one.
It’s ridiculous that I even need such a disclaimer, but we have more than a few total dipsticks on this board.

For those of you who are well-adjusted enough to have no need of such a ridiculous disclaimer, I hope you saw as much humor in it as I did.

2

That WAS funny, Lexicon. Don’t worry about the PC people :wink:

I love it when seemingly polite and decent folk lose their normal behaviour for a second to REALLY curse at someone. It is often much more effective when a polite person does it, too: then you know they’re REALLY pissed off. Someone who curses all the time will see the effect of his words diminishing over time.

3

I’ll kick some PC up yo’ ass, and smack yo’ upside yo’ head. You da man who be keepin’ me down!

4

Hell, I’m PC, and I thought that was funny. So don’t worry.

As a temp, I have all sorts of stories. I was working in a morgage house, telemarketing (I know…I know…I only lasted 3 months before I quit…). A call goes through.

Swiddles: Hello?
Woman: UMM…HELLO…::CRASH BANG CRASH:: I CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW, MY KITCHEN’S ON FIRE!

I didn’t identify myself. Unless she knew from the computer click, she had no way of knowing I was a telemarketer. So why the HELL do you pick up the phone if your kitchen is on fire? I think I was crying from laughing so hard at that one.

Another time, I was working in the call center at a local fulfillment center. Those are the places calls get routed to when you see a 1-800 number on TV. This particular night, I was working the A&E Network phones, which was always fun. This woman calls and orders a videos on Julius Caesar, Augustus Caesar, Caligula, and Nero. I’m bored, and curious, so I say something along the lines of “you have a real interest in the Emperors, huh?” She tells me she’s a history teacher, and they are doing a unit on the Romans. After I set her up with a teacher’s discount (she loved me,) I say “Have you ever heard the lead theory?” No, she hadn’t. “Well, I took Latin for a few years, and one of the reasons they think Caligula, Nero and the other nut-ball Emperors were so nuts was because the pipes that ran from the Aquaducts to the palace were made of lead, as it was more malliable, and therefore a more attractive metal to use. They were raised on that water, and so they could have had lead poisoning from the time they were babies.” There was a pause. The woman said “That is the most interesting thing I have heard all day. No wonder you work at A&E.” I finished with her, and laughed quite a bit. She must think there are librarians maning the phones.

5

What is tat, how can I get some, and where do I trade it in for the other one?

6

To “tat” is to make lace. Consequently, if you have some “tat” (i.e., a lacy bra), you can probably trade it for some tit. Give it a try and report your findings here.

7

ROTFLMAO!!

The mental picture alone is worth it. This poor guy being so calm for the longest time trying to get his shit figured out and having to put up with that!
Let me ask you something. Do you think that maybe that was the reason he was having trouble in the first place? I mean you guys know that it can’t be a one time thing for her to behave like that and maybe he can’t think straight!

OTOH, I do hope that it didn’t go further after the call.

8

I worked for a billing agency. This agency would make automated calls to clients and leave a number. The client would call back to ask what the hell the other call was about.

Me:General Hospital billing, how may I help you?
Caller:I got this call from you all. What’s it about?
Me:Have you or anyone in your family have services at General Hospital recently?
Caller: Yes, my daughter Bonita.
Me (after checking computer): No, there is no bill here for Bonita.
Caller:Well, maybe it’s my other daughter Chiquita.

All she needed was for her last name to be Banana.
Another call–
Me: Do you have No Fault insurance?
Caller: Whattaya mean, no fault? It was his fault. He ran over my foot! How could that not be his fault!

9

“What is tat?”

There once was a woman named Pat,
Who had three kids Matt, Rat, and Tat.
They were fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

Family moved in 3 houses down the street. I introduced myself to the man of the house - he said, “Hi. My name is Tat.” My calm response was, “What?!” He said, “Tat. T-A-T.” So every time I see him, or even pass his house, my mind reverts to the default setting above.

10

I am getting a really bad rep in the supply department. This is the third time in a week they’ve had to replace a keyboard that I’ve shorted out due to coffee spewing from my nose! Not to mention the damage to my sinuses!

11

When I worked in a call center, I always liked when the mute button didn’t work and the agent went on with the expletives. Needless to say – lots of hang ups, cancellation of accounts, and requests to speak with supervisors – always the best. :slight_smile:

12

My telephone stories. Here they are.

When I first came to NY, I—like everyone else—got office temp work. At one job, I had to place a call to a Mr. Showers. I got his secretary, and said, “Miss Golden calling for Mr. Showers,” at which point both secretary and I fell out of our respective chairs. I must meet and marry this man someday . . .

At another office, we had a Miss Yu working there. A “Penny Mee” actually called up and asked to speak to her, resulting in a great Abbott & Costello routine.

13

My telephone stories. Here they are.

When I first came to NY, I—like everyone else—got office temp work. At one job, I had to place a call to a Mr. Showers. I got his secretary, and said, “Miss Golden calling for Mr. Showers,” at which point both secretary and I fell out of our respective chairs. I must meet and marry this man someday . . .

At another office, we had a Miss Yu working there. A “Penny Mee” actually called up and asked to speak to her, resulting in a great Abbott & Costello routine. “Who’s on line one?” “Mee.” “Who do you want?” “Yu.”

14

A British newspaper reported last year the sacking of a PC helpline call centre worker. He’d been dealing with a call from a technophobic retired military officer, and after over an hour of trying to help, gave up in exasperation. He told the retired gentleman to box up the PC and return it to the shop he bought it from, with a note that he would dictate for the man…

“Dear sir, I am returning this PC as I am too fucking stupid to use it.”

The helpline worker hung up, but unfortunately for him the customer reached his supervisor and they traced the call.

15

> A British newspaper reported last year the sacking of a
> PC helpline call centre worker. He’d been dealing with a
> call from a technophobic retired military officer, and
> after over an hour of trying to help, gave up in
> exasperation. He told the retired gentleman to box up the
> PC and return it to the shop he bought it from, with a
> note that he would dictate for the man…
>
> “Dear sir, I am returning this PC as I am too fucking
> stupid to use it.”
>
> The helpline worker hung up, but unfortunately for him
> the customer reached his supervisor and they traced the
> call.

A British newspaper may have reported it, but it is an urban legend.

This has been going around for years. I have seen it attributed to Wordperfect, Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and IBM workers at one time or another.

16

I heard that one a long time ago as well. In this version the tech rep goes through a terribly long and convoluted conversation only to determine that the reason the computer isn’t working is that the electricity has gone out in the building.

17

After reading this thread, I called an ex-coworker and current friend of mine. We where waxing nostalgic, laughing at old phone calls. Most were inside jokes but she reminded me of this exchange which became a sort of catchphrase in our office.

Rep:Your health insurance rejected the claim. The doctor was not paid.
Caller: But I have HBO!

So if any of us was denied a personal day or forced into doing overtime we would yell: But I have HBO!

18

I used to work in a small restaurant, one that was long and narrow, with a bar going along one side toward the door. It was a slow night, so the other waitress, the owner, the bartender, and me were all hanging out at the bar when we hear the door making slight banging sounds. We all looked over to see a woman tugging away at the door (which, to be opened, needed to be pushed). Because it was a slow night and we were all feeling a little punchy, we watched her do this for what had to be close to a minute.

Finally the phone rang, the owner answered, and it’s the woman calling on her cell phone to see if we’re open. He says yes, but that she needed to push on the door to open it. We could see her nod, then hang up. She then proceeded to pull on the door again. After we’d managed to put on straight faces, the owner went and opened to door for her.

After she picked up the food order she had called in, the owner walked her to the door and very solemnly opened it for her.

19

Great stories, all.
I used to work in a phone center taking surveys. NOT telemarketing. Trust me, that’s a very important distinction for those in the business. The phone numbers we called were randomly generated by computer so we got all kinds of people upset about how we got their unlisted phone number. The funniest was the lady who screamed at me, “How did you get this number? I’m in the witness protection program!!” Luckily, she hung up before I was able to give in to my very strong urge to say in a thick Italian accent, “Hey, Guido. We found her!”