It’s Rules time again: those idjts who wrote the first Rules have written a new volume specifically for marriage. It’s worse than the first one: I can’t decide if it’s more insulting to men or to women, as it seems to assume that everyone is a blathering idiot incapable of real communication. Near as I can tell the moral of the story is that a romantic relationship is about making a man happy and securing an income, and that a smart woman preserves that relationship and finds all her fulfillment on the phone with her girlfriends and mother. I will write up a more in-depth critique later.
For now, the book got me thinking about what I actually think matters in a relationship, and as I have almost 1500 posts and am expecting my Clique Invitation any day now, I thought I’d throw myself out there and just say what I think for debate and discussion. Obviously, I’m interested in reading any others that people wish to add, or defending any that people think are wrong headed.
Manda JO’s Rules for a Happy Significant Relationship
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You choose to be with this person everyday. You can choose to leave. If something is not going to change, you have to decide if it’s worth leaving over. If it’s not, choose to stay, and choose to shut up about it. It is reasonable to spend a decent period of time making this decision (say, a year), but it shouldn’t be dragged out longer than that.
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You chose to be with an individual, not a gender. Spend at least as much time paying attention to their actual behavior and reactions as you do reading up on what their behavior and reactions are supposed to be. Corollary: Never, ever, ever, listen to someone who claims to know what your SO is really thinking.
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You chose to be with an adult. It’s not your job to punish them. Their behavior never justifies yours. If you believe in a higher power, leave the punishment to them. If you don’t, remember that you haven’t done anything to deserve not being a starving, handless, HIV-positive child in Sierra Leone, so there is no need to punish the other person for whatever they may have done. You must always treat them with kindness and respect. If they do not return that kindness and respect, it’s a good idea to leave, but you must do so in a kind and respectful manner.
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You chose to be with a reasonable person. If they have some sort of complaint, it is likely valid. That doesn’t mean there isn’t another point of view, but they did not just wake up and decide to make up some shit so they could rag on you.
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You chose to be with a good person. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Never attribute to meanness what can be explained by poor phrasing, poor timing, or poor understanding. Furthermore, do not pounce on the possibility of "meanness " in order to free yourself to punish your SO, as detailed in #3 above.
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You cannot ever prove love. Just because someone loves you today, doesn’t mean they will love you tomorrow. There’s plenty of people who sold everything they owned, turned their back on family and friends, humiliated themselves in public all because of the strength of their feelings for someone, and a year later didn’t even like them anymore. Corollary: Don’t get in the habit of bringing things to a crisis in the hopes that that will solve everything “once and for all.” Zits are not good analogies for relationships.
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Do not mistake pain for intensity : strife and drama are not the inevitable byproducts of emotion. Some people enjoy drama, and as long as they marry each other, that’s fine. Misery is not normal and is not the inevitable price you pay for not being lonely.
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It is your job to make your wants and needs known. Trust that the SO is doing the same, and always take them at their word. Be ever vigilant about falling into any other pattern.
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Don’t worry about your SO’s motives. The hardest thing in a relationship is wanting someone to want what you want, not because you want it, but just because they do. Be willing to accept the gift of doing what you want sometimes: don’t make the other person pretend that it isn’t a gift so that you don’t have to feel guilty. Make sure you return the gift without grumbling, but without guile.
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. Refuse to answer questions that shouldn’t have been asked (even if the actual answer is innocuous).