Saaaay, want to give me some constructive criticism on the novel I'm writing?

Cafe Society
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A few words before we leap into the subject at hand.

First off I aim to have this published some day, and I’d like to make sure that the first few chapters are slick and polished enough that I can send them off to some publishing houses and maybe get a few nibbles. Tor publishing, in particular, has a policy that one can send in the first few chapters with a summary and that earns you a chance to get published. Though I do aim to sell this novel some day, folks who help me out on the Dope will not be entitled to any cut of the profits. This will be out of the goodness of your hearts if you choose to help me. So by offering any criticism, you agree to these terms and acknowledge that you waive all rights to be paid and/or compensated in any way, shape, or form for your help. However, if y’all give me some help, I might very well add a dedication to the Dopers who help me if I get published. No promises though. Also, I have already asked for and obtained permission from C K Dexter Haven to post this, so nobody has to report it to the mods.

Just wanted to clear that up.

Second, if anybody does feel like reading my work and giving suggestions as to what works or what needs to be fixed, thank you! I’m stuck in a new city right now and I don’t have a peer group of writers who I can workshop my pieces with. I’ll very much appreciate any help y’all can give me.

Third, the novel’s title is *Dominion. *

Now, I have created a livejournal to host the text of the novel. This way it remains my exclusive property even though it’s being discussed on the Dope. The copyright for the work is mine and mine alone, so even if folks post snippets from it on the Dope to talk about it, it shouldn’t be any different than dopers using fair use provisions to post snippets of any other author’s work. Albeit y’all don’t need to be that uptight with how much you might quote here on the Dope as I promise I won’t be suing anybody. :slight_smile:

A bit of background on the piece. It is, most definitely, a work in progress. I still need to write two paths[sup]1[/sup] and splice them into the chapters I’ve already written. So the structure I have set up now is not absolute, and there will be bits plugged in between the major chapters.

The story is, if I had to pick a genre, fantasy. But I don’t think it quite fits with the definition as I understand it. It definitely has philosophical overtones, and I’ve tried to make them prominent without overshadowing the actual action. I don’t want to turn into an Ayn Rand clone :smiley:

I’d rather not say all that much more, because I’d like to know what folks’ reaction might be without really knowing anything about the story before they start gnawing on it.

Oh, one final caveat. I am dyslexic and dysgraphic, and so I have a very very hard time editing my own pieces for spelling errors and such. When I read over anything I’ve written, I see what I was thinking in my head and not what’s on paper. So feel free to nitpick and point out any error you find, no matter how minor.

  1. The book will ultimately be made up of 11 main chapters and 22 ‘paths’, the paths will both connect some of the main chapters and serve to give background details.
2

Ooh, whats dysgraphic?

I don’t have time right now, because of NaNoWriMo, but maybe head over to fmwriters.com. Maybe you can get yourself into a novel crit group, too.

I’m Zahri, though I only hang in Nano 2005.

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Also if fmwriters.com isn’t your cup of tea, try going to nanowrimo.org and their forums, and go to Helpful Orgs and Sites.

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Thanks, perhaps I’ll check those out :slight_smile:

Oh, and dysgraphic, in a nutshell, is the writing equivilent of dyslexia. I’ll often end up switching letters while I write, sometimes whole bits of words without even realizing I’ve done it. It pretty much only applies when I handwrite stuff, but often I’ll carry a notebook with me so I can jot down ideas while I’m around town. It’s especially hard to catch as I can’t really read over my stuff for spelling, but using MS Word does make it easier.

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I’m giving this thread its one allowed bump. Maybe someone will see it during the week and give me some feedback. If not I’ll most likely follow Shadez suggestion. (thanks again for that)

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Try joining http://www.critters.org. They are probably the best for you, especially if you are writing fantasy.

Note: You are required to critique other stories in return.

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Thanks, I’d never heard o’ them.

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Well, I tried. Really I did.
I normally don’t read fantasy. Maybe it’s the genre, but I suffered from a serious case of MEGO trying to read that. (My Eyes Glazed Over).

Then again, maybe I’m too dumb to get it.

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Well, thanks anyways.

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I am subscribing to the thread and I will be happy to read and review if possible. I am a lifetime Sci-Fi & Fantasy reader. I am not qualified as anything but a fan, but I have over 1500 books in the Sci-Fi & Fantasy genre and at least have a reference for trying to critique.

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The problem with asking for critiques on the SDMB is time. It takes a while to read that much material and provide a thorough and intelligent response. By the time anybody gets finished, this thread will be long buried on page 5 or something. I would suggest joining an online critique group. If you find critters to be too large and too formal, then I would humbly recommend The Brotherhood without Banners. We’re a small organization, where people post writing whenever they wish and critique voluntarily at their convenience.

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jrfranchi: Thanks much! I really appreciate it.

ITR: Thanks for that suggestion too. I think I may very well end up posting to some of the other mentioned forums in order to get some more exposure.

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Hiya. I took a peek, but candidly, I doubt I’ll be going back. Maybe if I were a James Joyce fan. Possibly I like my writing a bit more structured and a bit less stream-of-consciousness (don’t expect me to get down to cases, this is purely based on impressions as I was going along). For what it’s worth, the dyslexia and dysgraphia weren’t in evidence one whit - whatever discipline you adopt to overcome it, it’s thoroughly effective. Best of luck.

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Ahh, just a quick question but how far did you get? The first two prologues are definitely very stream o’ consciousness-esque, but I think I settle down into something like standard prose as the text goes on. Could be wrong though…

And thanks. I’ve had to work very, very hard to get where I am in terms of writing things that other folks can read, it’s good to know that some of my handicaps don’t come through so strongly.

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I agree with Malacandra - the dyslexia and dysgraphia doesn’t show.
As for its literary merit - let me put it this way:
Are you writing the story you want to tell us, or are you writing it the way you think it’s supposed to be written?

The reason I ask is that I get the feeling that the form and structure gets a bit in the way of the story. I can find faint echoes of other things I’ve read in the SciFi/Fantasy genres, but not a really strong voice that seems to be you. I’ve only glanced through the first section, so maybe I’m a bit harsh, but I get the feeling that you have to find your own voice and then tell the story using your gut feeling, without an eye on what is sellable. Maybe you think that’s unfair, but the impression I got was that you really want to sell the story and is tailoring it to fit a market, instead of creating a market for what you write.

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Actually, it’s interesting that you say that, maybe I need to re-work the intro. I wasn’t trying totailor my prose to make it marketable, at all. I actually figured I might alienate a few readers with my style but it felt right for the material. But I will look it over again with an eye towards Voice, thanks for that suggestion.

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I only had time to go through the first section so far.
It does the job of making me interesting in reading more. That is a good start.
The actual writing put me off just a little once the story began. I think you might be over describing the actions and movements. It is almost like you are writing with the idea of plotting out the action sequence of a movie version. This is not bad; it just slows down the story a little.

That’s it for now, you already accomplished what should be a major goal of a writer, you have me wanting to read more.
I’ll will try to read another chapter or 2 tonight.

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Maybe I should clearify that thing about finding a voice. Any succesful writer - in monetary or literary terms and sometimes both - have a very distinct voice. If you let me read a random chapter by Grisham, James Elroy, Hemmingway, Heller, Mailer, Henry Miller, Stephen King, Tom Wolfe I should easily, without having read that person before, be able to get a very clear idea about who the writer is, at east if I’ve read some work before. At least, I shouldn’t get the impression that Phillip Roth is Robert Ludlum.
Finding your own voice is hard, because we learn the trade of writing from reading other writers, and tend to mimic our favorites. I think part of the process is realizing who you, the writer, is. How to do that?
Training, I suppose.

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I read the first prologue, got bored, saw there were another two prologues and thought fuck that. Your intro is the most important part of your story. If you dont get people hooked, theres very little chance they’ll read further.

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Yep, I know about hooking people with an intro, and evidently jrfranchi liked it enough to continue. I suppose it won’t be for everybody, thanks though.