Saddam seeks MHB's

The following is a true and factual account of recent events:

Several days ago, a US supply caravan took a wrong turn in Iraq and was presumed to have fallen into enemy hands.

Yesterday the war was going badly. We were “pausing” and encountering stiffer than expected resistance.

But that was not the worst. Yesterday horrible news was converyed to our President.

“Mr. President,” said Colin Powell. “It’s as we feared. We’ve confirmed that Saddam is in posession of one of our MHBs.”

Visibly stunned, Bush fell back into his chair “you mean…”

Colin Powell nodded soberly “Yes. Jessica Lynch, Massively Hot Babe, has been captured…”
“Well we’ve long known that Saddam was seeking to acquire Massively Hot Babes, so I guess it was only a matter of time. Tell me it’s not that bad. Tell me she’s not blonde.”

Colin bowed his head. “I’m sorry Mr. President. She is blonde. It’s worse though. She’s perky, too.”

“We’re going to have to keep this quiet, Colin. If word got out that Saddam Hussain had captured one of our hot chicks…”

"I’m afraid it’s too late, Mr. President. The Democrats already know and Bill Clinton is livid. "


“Yes, Clinton. The young lady in question is from West Virginia and you know how easy girls from West Virginia are.”

“But that’s just a rumor.”

“No Sir, it’s true and documented. West Virginia girls are the easiest girls in the free world, and she’s one of the ones the former President hasn’t had sex with.”

“You don’t mean…”

“Yes Sir, even Saddam could get laid in West Virginia.”
“My God. How could we let this happen? and with our military all bogged down under heavy resistance, the timing couldn’t be worse. I see no other choice but to go Nucular.”

“There is an alternative…”
And so last night Donald Rumsfeld spoke to the troops over scrambled military radio informing our boys that Saddam had one of our babes.

Saddam had finally gone too far. Within hours our troops rallied, moving from their positions 50 miles from Baghdad to 19 miles from the city (as fast as they could run and drive," anhiliating two entire divisions of Saddam’s elite Republican guards who had had months to dig in.

A rescue mission was quickly organized by our elite special forces, led by Colonel BJ Blaskowicz (who had been kept in cryonic suspension since WWII in case of such a contingency)

Our brave troops assaulted the hospital where our hot babe was being kept, and promptly blew the shit out of everything in sight, killing 350 Iraqis and anhiliating a Fedayeem battalion who was guarding her. Ignoring several dozen male POWs our special forces squad promptly recovered our bodacious PFC, and competing to carry the stretcher, they loaded her into a waiting gunship while dozens of testosterone enraged elite Special Forces Commandos blew the living shit out of the ICU, maternity, and Orthopedic wards.

The night vision video will be featured on “Girls gone wild: Babes and bullets edition.”

Thus was Saddam denied his MHBs.
And some of you don’t beleive this war is justified…
Some of you thought we were in trouble.

This is how the tides of war turn. This is how it happened. Let one hot babe get captured and it’s all over for the bad guys.

Saddam should have read his Homer.

And when I first saw the thread title, I thought "PHB"s.

I expect the Yanks’ll be lobbing PHBs over the walls of Baghdad next… :slight_smile:

Frankly, I thought that was in very poor taste. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, please, Scylla , be nice to the poor girl. She is a soldier who almost died for her country, endured God knows what for the last week, etc.

(Now, having said that, she is pretty nice-looking…)

Yeah Scylla, while I find the majority of your posts enjoyable I’m gonna have to wrinkle my nose at this one. The poor woman was a soldier who was possibly tortured, had both her arms broken and had a leg broken along with a gunshot wound. Not something to make light of.

Hey, lay off, guys. Scylla wasn’t making fun of her; he was just joking about the situation.

And Bush really was joyful about it.

Sorry. I meant it to be positive humorous, not negative humorous.

The real events are such an amazing thing if you didn’t know they were real they would seem almost comic booky. I was trying to capture that aspect. Sorry to offend.

Erm, unless someone changed the rules of engagement recently, describing someone as a Massively Hot Babe is not being nasty to them.

And any post with a RtCW reference must be encouraged.

Excellent post.


Scylla, forget the naysayers, ya did good.

Not only is the girl an MHB, but from the reports in the papers, she has a big ol’ pair of brass ovaries, too. Kept shooting at the Iraqis until she was out of ammo, and they had to stab (bayonet?) her before she was subdued.

I think the babe’ll have many thousand marriage proposals when the shooting stops.

It may not be an insult, but such observations can be, and in this case are, innappropriate, as is implying that her rescue had to do with her appearance rather than the fact that she was an American POW held where we could get at her.

It’s also massively inappropriate to imply that the SFCs either ignored other POWs (considering that they actually stayed behind to exhume the bodies of the fallen) or that they “blew the living shit out of” the maternity wards.

I know you were intending this as humor, and no, I don’t think you intended it to be unkind to Ms. Lynch. Just horribly callous.

Maybe someday there will be a time to joke about such things. That time is not now.

Scylla I thought it was pretty funny. . .

Your timing might be a bit off, but it’s still funny.


If you found it generally offensive and poor and negative, I’m sorry. But, if you think that I’m implying that we only resuced Lynch because she’s attractive, you’re doing me a disservice. The proposition wasn’t put forth in earnest. That much should be clear. There is no implication being made.


Same thing. It may suck. It may not be funny, but these are not implications that are actually be made by me. They are clearly generated completely fictitiously.

I strongly disagree. You take your smiles where you can get them. But I am sorry it didn’t bring you any.

Scylla, anyone with common sense knew what your intentions were; I’m sure every member of the rescuing party would know what your intentions were; and Miss Lynch (who will be receiving an invitation from me vunderbob) would most likely smile at the sentiment.

That was really coarse satire from Scylla. I’d be offended if he writ soft-pedal prose.

Newsday published a family photo of Jessica Lynch posing aside a wagon wheel. She is stunningly beautiful (and a massively-hot babe).

I don’t know if she returned fire till she used all her ammo or what happened. It’s not easy to put the petite girl in the photo into such a scenario, or to another where she’s being beaten so harshly that many bones were fractured.

The very unhappy news is at least eight of her fellows are KIA , including the first female POW (Lori Ann Piestewa, of Hopi Indian heritage).

A number (nine I believe) of marines perished in an initial rescue attempt when they heard of the ambush.