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I was at a wedding last night.
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4’s ?
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Yeah. It was 4’s big day. Pretty interesting. He’d just married Xiao-Jing, and I suppose he did it on purpose. We didn’t linger in the church, and soon found ourselves in the quietly acceptable Stillorgan Park Hotel.( We were hastened in part by Father Malalley’s demonstration of Irish Church sensitivity; with his memorable insistence on referring to the bride to be as ‘Chong-chong’ throughout the ceremony.)
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Were you sitting at the friends table or the looser table?
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I was sitting at the looser friends table. One of them, Kevin, has a ridiculously hot girlfriend.
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7?
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I dunno, I didn’t catch her name. I’m a great one for honesty, especially when I’m stoned. I was telling Kevin’s (oh so hot) girlfriend about the leaps and bounds I’d made in my personal development in Japan.
"You know, the best example I can think of is getting into hardcore porn."
She gave a surprised little snort, and God she looked good.
“It might not sound like much, but you have to realise such a thing would have been unthinkable for me a year ago. I mean, Jesus, porn! I was always shocked- Shocked! at how anybody could indulge in the degradation and humiliation of women.”
She nodded, not knowing where this was going. Kevin glared.
“I used to see it as dirty filth, for perverts and socially unlayable anomalies. Like Kev-o. But man, in Japan, they have a ravenous appetite for the stuff. I mean, there’s a lot of porn. Weird shit you know? Not just chicks going down on horses, not just nasal felatio, I mean dirty dirty porn.”
“Like what?”
“Oh god. I’ve seen dead school girl alien tentacle rape, I’ve seen Sumo S-and-M, I’ve seen some weird weird shit.”
“Did that do it for you?”
I rolled my eyes,
“Ahh I’m fond of a bit of tentacle rape…”
She laughed and shoved me. Kevin glared.
" I put off thinking about it for a year, but finally I had to wonder- who’s buying all this porn?
Where are all the dirty old men? Where are all these dirt bags? The Japanese are clean, polite and charming. From my experience they are consistently well groomed, hygienic and sincere. They are shy and discrete. Sometimes I hate the bastards, but I could never fault them for being… sleazy."
“So?”
“So I came to this conclusion: either the Japanese can tell the difference between pornography and real life, or each and every one of them is a two faced scum-bag.”
“You’re a scumbag.” A sharp mono-entendre from Kev-o.
“Yes Kevin. I’m a scumbag.”
“And a racist.”
I gave him a wink and turned back to his girlfriend.
“So anyway, I reckon its not the Japanese who have a big problem with porn. Its us. And with this in mind, I stuck my chest out, my head up, and strode boldly into ‘Skebbi-bideo’.”
“Yay for 3! …what’s skebbi-bideo?”
“I dunno, its the name of the local dirty video shop.”
“Good for you!” she laughed. “So, did it effect you?”
Oh like you wouldn’t believe! I used to be a one a day man. Since I got into porn, that’s shot up to five or six. I didn’t know I had it in me.
“So to speak?”
My turn to laugh. I heard a boney grinding sound. Kevin’s teeth. Without taking his eyes off me, he leaned over and gave his girlfriend’s ear a dirty big tongue, and pointedly strode off to the bar.
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Fair enough.
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Yeah, I know, but he’s just such a knob. He confronted me after a few beer, and started telling me about his kung-fu and how you need to be a little crazy to do what he does, and what a badass he is. When he was done spraying me with testosterone, he walked her into the dance hall with “I’d love to stay and chat 3, but I’m going to go slow dancing with my girlfriend. You just cant compete.”
1: Oh man!
3: I know! I couldn’t believe he’d say that!
2: Well what did you say?
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‘I’m not much of a dancer.’ He gave a mean little laugh, all puffed up like a rooster, and said “you don’t know what you’re missing.”
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what a dick.
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Yeah, but its a fine line eh? If I scored her, I’d be the bad guy. This is sort of the other side to that story you always hear, the one about some dickhead who came and purved over your girlfriend. I don’t feel bad about doing it, and I dont feel bad about loosing to Kev-o. It keeps me as the lovable underdog. And I could see that in her smile.
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Weren’t you worried about his kung fu?
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Not really. If it came to a fight, one of three things would have happened. He’d destroy me, and I’d wake up with his hot girlfriend tenderly wiping blood from my eyes. Or, Neither of us would win, and I’d have held my own against a real martial artist. Or finally, I’d win, and ok, I’d probably become the bad guy, but at least he’d have to rethink his whole D4 badass routine. Regardless, it would have been a better wedding if there was a drunken brawl outside. The thing is, he was dead eager to righteously smite me, and I was curious to see it happen, but didn’t feel that I was on morally steady ground to justify rising to a fight.
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Why?
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Well, it was his girlfriend after all. I think she’d have more fun with me, but it’s bad manners to pursue like that. I don’t want him broken hearted and disillusioned- not on a randy whim of mine, first time I see some hot and responsive bird. She’s more to him than that, you know?
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Real swell guy.
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Fuck off.
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I dunno, I say fuck him. And if you ever get a girlfriend, keep an open mind when people respond to how hot she is. You sort of have to watch: if she wants to be with you, great. If she wants to be with somebody else, then too bad.
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Too bad for me or for her?
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You.
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Yeah.