Monstre
February 27, 2007, 1:43am
21
From GQ
**Why is mead so much less popular than beer and wine nowadays? **
There are fewer Vikings around.
**Silicon Based Fuels? **
Boob-oline?
**Quick Easy Way to Divide Files into Parts? **
That would be scissors.
**Best way to find out who’s living in the attic? **
Have you tried the stairs?
**What’s the easiest way to erase my computer? **
A sledgehammer.
I want to get dental insurance… I have no job… please advise
Get a job.
Monstre
February 27, 2007, 3:16am
23
**Clinton camp wants Obama to do what? **
I don’t know, but I think it involves a cigar.
**How much weight could you gain in a week? **
How many Twinkies can you bring me?
Reggae or ska I can dance to?
You? No.
Question on Timing of Jeopardy "Buzzers"
That’s right, you lost because of the buzzer. Just keep telling yourself that.
How true-to-life is Baldwin’s scene in “Glengarry Glen Ross”?
Fuck you. That’s how true it is.
What animals could I kill with my bare hands?
Sir, You’re going to have to leave the petting zoo.
Geraldo Rivera Political Affiliation
Assholarian?
The Henry Repeating rifle
Named after its inventor, Henry Repeating.
Ever been caught by your SO doing something you shouldn’t have?
Yes, but then I put down the knife and pretended I had finished scaling the fish.
I’ll get him next time for sure.
Answers are for closers, you fuckin’ asshole (I hope I can get away with that here).
Ask the former Cuban communist
Look, if you can’t deliver Andy Garcia unto my bed, then just shut it.
I promise I won’t post anymore for another 8 hours.
Khadaji
February 27, 2007, 4:28pm
28
I used to have a boss who, when asked about how to deal with someone, would say: Beat him. Beat him until he bleeds then beat him because he is bleeding. Beat him, beat him, beat him.
(My boss was a very gentle man and no one would ever give credance to him beating any one or any thing.)
Now, whenever I see a thread that starts with: How do I deal with… my old boss’ voice always echos in my mind. I have even been tempted to respond with Beat him , but if you didn’t know the background you wouldn’t know why I’m amused.
Monstre
February 27, 2007, 9:05pm
29
snerk! This one’s perfect.
Some new ones in GQ:
**Can people live with half a brain? **
Clearly you haven’t met some of my students.
**Re-breaking a bone. Procedure? **
Just jump off the roof again.
Smitty
March 1, 2007, 4:38pm
32
My broccoli tastes like fish
So did Clinton’s cigars
**My mom took too much aspirin and got a nosebleed… How can she stop it? **
Stop taking aspirin?
**Why do so many people spell alcohol as “Alchohol”? **
To omucch allcohool!
**Was the “day” the first unit of time measurement? **
According to Genesis 1, yes.
**How much are new windows marked up? **
If they’re marked up, you should complain. New ones should be clean!
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
Me? Yes. You? I’ve got my doubts.
**Home made corn tortillas - worth the effort? **
burp No, no they weren’t. I’ve, um, thrown them away. In the bin.
**Write this story, one word at a time **
No.
**Ladies: opinions on spooning? **
It’s less messy than using your fingers.
**What do you think of the kayaker who died? **
I think he’s dead.
**How would you sum up your life philosophy on a t-shirt? **
F*ck You.
**Might I suggest a UK DopeFest? **
I rather think you just did, old chap.
**How does this card trick work? **
Magic, of course.
And what about extremist libertarians?
When they shush you, you stay shushed!
Oh – libertarians . Never mind.
Anyone want to play Family Feud/Family Fortune?
Why? Do you want to come to Easter dinner?
Robin
…aaaannnd this is different from the normal responses around here how?
Why would a bear bite an electrical wire?
Cause it tastes almost as good as a Catholic Pope?
**Dishwasher: “no tobacco ash”. Why? **
Because dishwashers are made of plastic.
Any stupid viruses?
No, just stupid OPs
**What’s the best/simplest way to speed this pig up? (Computer) **
Poke it in the butt with a stick
**Do Diamonds melt or vanish? **
You were never around my ex-GF, right?
**Troubleshooting electric clothes dryer **
Step closer or use a rifle.
Count the F’s
One.
Advice on how to ask a girl to prom
“So, you wanna go to prom, or what?”
How should I prepare for being walked off site?
Fake gun and carefully selected coworkers wearing squibs.
what back-up options do I have?
Reverse?