Sarcastic Answers to Thread Titles (Neither new nor improved!)

Sometimes I think I’m the only one who likes these, but I’m giving it one more go, since I think these are more fun than sequential thread titles.

What do you call your boss?
That bastard slavedriver. Or did you mean to his face?

What would make you become an expatriate?
Moving out of my home country.

What would the world be like if fossil fuels didn’t burn?
Colder. Darker.

Why does everyone hate Bush?
You… must be new here.

Who’s more responsible for learning - teachers or kids?
Definitely kids. Teachers are more responsible for teaching, though.

Digital download Rights Question
Sorry, because of the DMCA, whatever you’re trying to do is illegal.

Tell me about your experiences defying authority

My Yahoo Mail inbox has 4,872 unread messages
That’s why your Viagra shipments stopped coming.

Just let me close my account, dammit!
Sir, I’d be happy to help you close your account today. May I ask you, though, if you’ve considered the many benefits of not closing your account?

On second thought, I’d better not.


No, I like these too. :smiley:

Who weeds the border?
The gardener. Duh.

So how much weight CAN a twinkie make me gain?
One Twinkie? A negligible amount. You show me this mythological person who only ever ate one Twinkie, and we’ll go admire him.

Where does the fat go?
To your head, evidently.

Baking and Roasting: what’s the diff?
Ever try to roast a loaf of bread?

Any useful resources to find good restaurants?
Many people would consider using the Yellow Pages. Or ask a friend, if you have one.

What was Hitler’s biggest blunder?
Losing the war. No, maybe eating a bullet was dumber.

Is there any good way to shift people from incandescent bulbs to fluorescents?
They’ll probably shift of their own accord. Those incandescents get pretty hot, you know.

Did anyone see Wife Swap last night?
Probably. Shows with zero viewers generally get pulled p.d.q.

Help me find a book!
Try a library! Or a bookshop! :rolleyes:

How much $$ would you take to stay away from the board?
Trust me, every dumb question I see is bringing the amount lower.

What was Hitler’s biggest blunder?
The Waring Super Spin, with half gallon ves . . . oh, blunder! never mind.

Oooh, I love these!
What is going on in this picture?
Probably some sort of unusual event.
Clowns. Come on, who hasn’t secretly wanted to do this?
Everyone who isn’t mentally ill?
Rush Limbaugh’s Callers: are there more than five of them?
Yes, but they only have five teeth between them.
Does Shaquille O’Neal owe money to Jesse James for a bike?
If Jesse James sold him a bike, then yes.
First Britney, next Donald, then who?
Anna Nicole Smith.

Perrier. Out. The. Nose.

Can someone identify this symbol?
Probably. Not me, but I’m sure someone can.

Which religions name their daughters’ 'Maryam’
All of their daughters? None that I know of.

Dogs are not accessories
Not even the tiny ones that travel in handbags?


Cartoon bombs, alcohol and flour
…but what’s for desert?

Tell me about honorary degrees
As an honorary MENSA member, I would like to tell you that they obviously have absolutely no value whatsoever.

Who weeds the border?
Isn’t it obvious? Cheap Mexican labourers.

Belly Buttons - Weird Sensation
Stop doing that. Duh!

Dissolving a Corporation
I’m partial to H[sub]2[/sub]SO[sub]4[/sub] myself.

Where does the fat go?
Back to McDonald’s where it belongs.

How can I find out where Someone is Burried?
Grab a shovel and start digging. It may take a while so plan a vacation around it.

plastics harmful to children?
Not if cooked at 400° for at least 30 minutes.

So how much weight CAN a twinkie make me gain?
Somewhere in the neighbourhood of 21g per Twinkie. They don’t have to be consumed, just carrying them around will do the trick.


Circumcised after infancy? Your thoughts please.
It’s better than circumcision before.

Tell me about your experiences defying authority
No. Fuck you.

So I’m biting the bullet and applying for retail jobs…advice please!
Retain the services of a psychiatrist. And buy a Glock.

Opinions on Milledgeville
It needs a name change.

Q - Do You Want to Cut the Umbilical Cord? A - Do I Want to Do What?
That’s not an answer, that’s another question.

Dopers without tattoos: what would you get?
A full-body tattoo of myself, only taller.
</Stephen Wright>


Streets named after MLK across the country
Well … there’s Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. And … um … well, I can’t rightly think of any others.

Okay. I give up. I love Windows.
Me, too. I couldn’t see the hot chick in the building across from me through a solid wall.

A Chain of Links
As opposed to…?

Screwed at work
Just don’t let the boss catch you. Although, if it’s the boss you’re screwing, by all means, carry on.

possibly the nicest compliment I’ve received in a while :smiley:

Talk me out of a tattoo, please.
I need to practice first. Can I talk you out of your underwear?

Pretzels–Can’t for the LIFE of me discern the APPEAL
No, silly, bananas have appeal.

Do you benefit from a funeral?
No, you benefit from winning the lottery. To benefit from a funeral, ya gotta be dead, and what kind of benefit is that?

** Dopers without tattoos: what would you get?**
I’d settle for a pony.

Tell Me About Pressure Cookers
Well, once upon a time, deep in the forest, there lived a family of pressure cookers. Then one day, they died. Now go to sleep!



There was one that disappeared recently from GQ, and I’m not sure I can remember the exact thread title, but EVERY time I saw it I answered it, out loud.

Can I make thermite?
Sure. Go ahead.

(I can’t remember what the OP wanted to make. I am not even sure thermite is a word.)

**My Daughter Is Finally Talking. Opinionated Little Brat… **
She takes after her father?

(sorry Hal)

What’s wrong with psychiatry?
Why do you feel there’s something wrong with psychiatry?

what is cheating on a spouse and when does it start ?

Fucking someone else, and Tuesday.

I like them. I invented them! :smiley:

I’ve just been busy lately…

Do Tasmanian Devils really whirl around like they do in Bugs Bunny cartoons?
Yep. Just like that.

What is the alleged benefit of a ‘colonic’? ‘Detoxification’?
Ass deshitification.

What’s your eye color?
White around the edges. Black in the middle.

Term for la la la’s in song

Why is mead so much less popular than beer and wine nowadays?
Fewer Vikings than in the past, combined with a surge in German and French populations.

Am I crazy? (Job Advice required)

Yes, First clue? You post here. (Not sure what that has to do with a job, though.)

Help Nickname my Dingdong

Why? It’s just going to be eaten, isn’t it?

Cute chicks don’t use good grammar

You mean my typing skills reveal me to be ugly? No wonder I can’t get a date.

Say hello to Wiley Brooks.

Kitten X Needs a Name!

So what are you waiting for? Give her one!