The moon was a ghostly galleon tosseth on a partly-cloudy sea, the path was a ribbon of Moonlight downeth which a Tiger the size of a small Winnabego streaked anon, like a bolt of orange Lightening. Clinging to the back of this Noble beast, as a knight dresseth in modest, but servicable, stainless-steel armor
and carrying the Sword of Truth which he had just liberatd from a band of evil, but well-dressed, dwarf CPAs who were using it to blackmail Republicans.
“On Nimbo! To the Temple of the Alpha Red. Faster, my Beauty. Faster!” urgeth the Knight, removing his helmet and tying it to the saddle of fine Corrinthian leather. The Tiger Paws dug deeply into the soft brown underfooting, hurling the duo onward, faster and faster into the darkness.
Over the river and through the Snowy Woods, across furrowed plains of the Four Heads, between the great Limpid Pools of Glare, around the Bottomless Caverns of Snoz and, ever so daintily, across the Iron and Politically-Correct Imitation-Ivory Bridge at Dentura.
Then back up to speed! Racing down the Isthmus of Greatneck with it’s mysterious red blotches; through the Awesome Alps of Pointy Pleasure and across the Broad Plain of the Solo Plexus. But, there, at the Well of Moist Lint, the Brave knight suddenly and without foreshadowment, pulled the frothing Tiger to a dead stop, anon. He dismounted and footsied forth fearfully, glaring into the cool darkeness.
“The Chasm of Nagging Doubt.” spoke the Knight in a hushed and terrified tone. "I cannot let the Tormented Sirens of Worry lead me astray and unto the Reefers of Despairagement. “Oh, Nimbo, how shall I ever trespass this Godawful Gulf of Gloom?”
The great Tiger, somehow sensed this was another occasion of the Master’s penchant for catfish and anchovy pizza too close to bed time. He just rolled his great eyes and yawneth a mighty yawn.
“I have it!” sayeth the Knight, who then ran to the Well and pulleth forth two soggy globs of Lint. “Yes,” he sayeth as he stuffeth said globs into his Dumboian ears. He banged the Sword of Truth against his Stainless Breast Plate and laughed like a school boy who had just fooled his Matron into believing he had a Cold on test day.
“Totally Excellent!” he cried. “I can nay hear-eth a thing!”
He remounted the Striped Cat and circled back to allow Nimbo room to attain Maximum Warp. After a few strides, the Knight tossed some coins at the hallucination of an automated tollbooth and lean-eth fore. With a yodel akin to an ailing goose just trod upon anon, the hyperventilating Knight dugeth the heels of his Bunny slippers into the underbelly of the Great Cat.
“Onward, Nimbo! Leap as Thou hath never leapeth afore!”
The Ferocious Feline rolled his eyes again and dutifully launched himself toward the partly-cloudy sky. Hanging there for–oh–three or four seconds, before landing softly and again galloping off into the darkness.
“We doth made it! Nimbo, you magnificent Bastard! Huzzah! Huzzah! At last, I am beyond the Chasm of Nagging Doubt! Nothing willst halt-eth me hence, anon!”
Finally, and happily, the duo approacheth the tangled and dark Fragrant Forbidden Forest of the Horizontal Bop-she-bop.
“There! Nimbo, just past the Mound of Vesuvius and the Perpetual Fires of Delight which attract so many locals and tourists. It is not much farther unto the Great Temple of the Alpha Red! Do you smell its Sweet Perfumery, my Pet? Faster, faster, I sayeth to Thee!”
The pair approacheth the reasonably awesome Temple of the Alpha Red where Vestal Cheerleaders told fortunes and hawked Souvenirs. It was here, in this fabled land, where Sassy–the Alpha Red–worshipeth WinkwinkNudgenudge, the Androgenous God/dess of the Double Entandre.
“Tarry not, Nimbo!” sayeth the Knight. “Onward, unto the Temple and the answer to the question whicheth hath burn-ned in my Hearth and Loins all these many days.”
With the Great Monolith of Perpetual Joy is in sight, the Knight approached the shoulder-high white picket fence and the Gate Keeper who stood just inside. He dismounted, tied the Tiger to a parking meter and drop-eth a coin in the slot.
“I would liketh to speaketh to Sassy, please.” sayeth the Knight boldly. “I haveth a question only she, the Alpha Red, can answer.”
“Do you have a shrubbery?” iterated the Gate Keeper, an old man who bore an uncanny resemblance to Eric Idle.
"What’s that??
The craggy Gatekeeper pointed to the side of his head. “TAKE THE LINT OUT OF YOUR EARS, SQUIRE!” The noble Knight complied.
“I would liketh to speaketh to Sassy, please.” repeat-eth the Knight, not quite so boldly this time.
“Do you have a shrubbery?” the Gate Keeper reiterated.
“A what?” sayeth the Knight.
“Never mind. Whom shall I sayeth is calling?”
“Tis I, Myself.”
“Right. But who ARE you?”
“Myself. I am MYSELF! Who else would I be?”
“Look, Sport, the Alpha Red is terribly busy. There’s a Shriners convention due here to-” The Knight pulled out his Tiger License and showed it to the Old Man who then knodded nowingly.
“Tell Her Graceiness,” sayeth the Knight, “that the guy who was here last month selling Fine Kitchen Cutlery has returneth with a question which hath burneth in his Hearth and Loins for, lo, these many days now and that I can nay leave without an Audience anon.”
“Sure, pal. Hang on. I’ll be right back–anon.” The Old Man turned slowly and walked away. ?I wonder what happens when someone wants to write him a check! ‘Let me get this straight, Squire, you want me to write a check to Myself, right?’"
The Brave Knight checked the meter and inserted another coin. Momentarily the Gate Keeper returneth and leadeth the gallant Knight forthwithin.
There, before the Monolith of Perpetual Joy, flanked by three handmaidens in scanty Cheerleader outfits and chewing gum, stood the Goddess Sassy wearing an all-but-transparent Emerald Green robe she found on Sale at Nordstrom’s. Her silky red hair glow-ed as if burning in the partially-cloudy Moonlight.
"Ms. Sassy, Oh, Star of the Night, Queen of Temptresses, She who must be Obeyed. I am a humble Knight who has come afar anon with a burning in his–ah–HEARTH and Loins. With this Sword of Truth as my Witness, I covet Thee as no Man hath covet-eth a Goddess afore. Sayeth not but an Affirmation and I shall spend the remainder of my earthly daze in ceaseless toil to cover thine Credit Card debt, anon. Willst Thou be so kind as to marry-eth me??