Satan's minions at work in Hershey, Pa.

Which brain-numbed whore-monger at Hershey’s decided it would be a brilliant idea to change from the familiar foil and paper-sleeve-wrapped chocolate to an environmentally unsound, heat-sealed plastic wrapped atrocity against nature? Did anyone test this new wrapper out?

Maybe give it to an over-tired dad trying to make s’mores in the dark for 15 famished cub scouts? Of course not, you bastardous louts!

I pitched the tents. Led a nature hike. Get 'em all back to camp… I didn’t lose even one scout! I got the fire going. I got the marshmallow roasting sticks whittled. I even fed them a square meal. Then I got the marshmallows open fine. I even opened the graham crackers. Then… stymied.

Do the kids thank me for my fine efforts? No. All I hear for the rest of the weekend is, “Kyle’s dad can’t even open a candy bar!”

I hope Nestle’s nukes Hershey of the face of the Earth.

I know! Those things are such a pain in the ass. What was so wrong with the two-step paper-on-foil process?

And long time no see, Chief.

New wrappers? I’ve not seen these; anyone have a photo?


Ha ha! Kyle’s dad can’t even open a candy bar!

The candy bar that I can’t open is yet to be produced. Never get in the way of a girl and her chocolate.

Like Kallessa, I have no problems opening these little sheets of joy.

Really, Chief, it’s not that hard.

::MsRobyn avoids using a smiley because she values the use of her limbs::


You know it’s a bad design when they have to put DIRECTIONS ON THE WRAPPER! As with Chief it was a s’more incedent. But with diligent research, I opened 5 of the 6 bars without any trouble. (There’s a cirlce on the back that says “hold here” and on the flap there’s a spot that says “pull”.) The sixth succumbed to my Swiss Army Knife. (1,002 uses now!)

And you can’t refold the foil and stick it back in the sleeve for a Hilarious Prank either.

What, nobody there had a Scout Knife?

Just slit the plastic. Sheesh.


You HAD a knife.

Oh for the love of…


Man… I haven’t seen these new contraptions either. Does anyone have a picture of this item that is so famboozling to some adults?

Chief, if you had ever been to Hershey Park, this would not surprise you.

My husband is having a shit fit over the new wrappers. And he doesn’t camp, either. It’s all about opening it (in your recliner), breaking off some squares, and NEATLY WRAPPING THE REMAINING CANDY BAR IN THE FOIL.

Now some of you may think him crazy for saving part of the candy bar to begin with, but this is the way he operates, and he’s hopping-fucking-mad. We’d boycott, but he likes the candy too much.

You can’t get into the chocolate?



you ever met my friend Kyle’s dad
he can’t eve open a candy bar

You’re supposed to open them first?

You’re supposed to save some for later?

You’re supposed to eat them and not melt them into anatomically-correct chocolate figurines?

They’re messing with our candy again! This should be in the Pit, next to my LifeSavers rant.

You know, I don’t mean to cast aspersions here, but our big chocolate company (Freia) started with the one-piece wrappers this spring, and it took my three-year-old son about fifteen seconds to figure out how to break in.

He’s not crazy. That’s the way I do it too. Then again, I’m one of the freaks who likes to keep candy bars in the fridge, too. Why does Hershey feel the need to mess with perfection?