I was driving to work in the dark hours of this morning when I saw this proclamation on the sign at the car wash:[ul]Satisfaction Guaranteed or you get your dirt back![/ul]It gave me an early-morning chuckle. It also got me to thinking about what sorts of guarantees various and sundry businesses, individuals, and websites could come up with - or what we Dopers could come up with for said businesses, etc.
For example, for a psychiatrist’s office:[ul]*Satisfaction guaranteed or double your phobias back![/ul]*Or on a Rue DeDay MMP::[ul]*Satisfaction guaranteed or you can hijack however you want. That’s Jake!
-Rue.(whatever makes you happy makes me happy)[/ul]*So, I cast the gauntlet. How will you guarantee my satisfaction? Rather, how to you propose that others could guarantee satisfaction? I tried to come up with something good for Jack Chick, but I had a cleverness block.
[ul]FairyChatMom - Satisfaction guaranteed… or not… I’m not responsible for your personal satisfaction - what do I look like??:[/ul] 
Exterminators:
Satisfaction Guaranteed! Or we’ll restock you with the vermin of your choice!
Me:
Satisfaction guaranteed on all MMP’s or…
Hey! Wait a minnit! That one was already done!
Satisfaction guaranteed? Well, so far, I ain’t had any complaints.
Jack Chick:
Salvation guaranteed! Or we’ll send you to a hell twice as hot!
Ok so it’s not satisfaction guaranteed, but it’s funny.
Bartenders:
Satisfaction guaranteed! Or we’ll slap you around til you sober up!
[sub]Double your phobias back. Now, that’s funny![/sub]
Anger management clinic:
Satisfaction guaranteed, Ass**, or you can take your f**in’ business elsewhere, dammit!
Orthopedic surgeon:
Satisfaction guaranteed, or we’ll give you your old hips back FREE!
Robin
Obstetrician:
Satisfaction guaranteed, or we’ll put the baby back!
(I don’t think many people will take them up on that)
Robin
The Straight Dope - Thought-provoking insight guaranteed or double your weight in ignorance back!
<<slight hijack>> I once saw a used tire store that advertised their wares with a giant banner that read, “Over the Road EXPERIENCE!!!”
Criminal Defense Attorney:
Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your jail time.
Okay, it’s weak. I’m most definitely not up to the challenge of the MMP thread this week.
The Captains Two Ships in the Night Gigolo Service.
I aim to please and shoot to thrill. Satisfaction guaranteed.
(well, mine anyway)
Dear sir or madam,
We cannot return your money. The sign says, “Your money cheerfully returned if not completely satisfied.” We were completely satisfied with your money, and we’re going to keep it.
Yours truly,
Stan Daround
Okay, Shade is a clever boy.
That was really funny.
Day care Center:
[size=4]Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your kids back![size]
I think that’d scare some people speechless.
Satisfaction guaranteed, or I’ll ignore you.
Hmmm. I should make that my sig.
But wait, there’s more!! If you’re not completely satisfied, just return this thread for a complete refund of your keystrokes, but keep the subject line as our gift to you! Satisfaction guaranteed - we guarantee it!
Smeghead, that has the makings of a great T-shirt!
Any government office:
Satisfaction gauranteed - or double your bureaucracy back!
Let’s see the competition match that offer!
Oh, wait, we don’t have any competition.