My husband and I are opposites on this - I tend to try to protect everyone’s dignity as much as possible, to the point that if I see a stranger trip or do some other gimboid move, I try to make it look like I wasn’t actually watching them when it happened. My beloved is naturally blunt, and tends to overlook any potential injury to someone’s ego when he’s trying to get something accomplished.
Each approach has its risks and benefits, and it depends on the temperament and style of the other person in the exchange as well. For instance, I feel like ending a (not intimate) friendship is most comfortably done by indirect methods like always being busy, and just “drifting apart.” That way when you run into the person at the grocery store, you can both act like it’s just something neutral that happened, rather than “hey, there’s that person who dumped me.” But I suppose some people (such as my guy, who desires bluntness as much as he practices it) would rather you say, “I don’t want to be friends anymore. Sorry it didn’t work out,” and might find the “gee, it’s a shame we never seem to get together - life is just so busy!” gambit dishonest and obnoxious.
Is saving face important to you? Do you go out of your way to allow others to preserve their social image? When does diplomacy shade into dishonesty, and when does frankness become cruelty?
I think there’s many circumstances under which saving face can apply, but most frequently I think of it in terms of owning up to mistakes.
Personally, I don’t worry too much about saving face. If I screwed something up, I try to swallow my pride and admit it, though if I do, it’s a bit rich to have someone else remind me of it.
For other people, I think one has to take into consideration the personality and circumstances. If someone egregiously fucks something up and believes that they can escape responsibility for their actions, there’s less incentive for me to allow them to save face if I think they will later return to their irresponsible ways. If I sense that they recognize their mistake but making them eat humble pie would be personally difficult for them to do, finding a face-saving way to solve the problem with some degree of confidence that it won’t happen again is the way to go, IMHO.
If one completely dismisses the idea that allowing people to save face is sometimes an important concession, that person is probably a jerk. IMHO.
Oh my gosh, I have an absolute horror of seeing people embarrassed or hurt socially. I think I actually take it too far, in that if you do something mortifying in my presence, you’ll find I “didn’t notice” which makes it hard for people to just own up and laugh it off.
I have to say it depends on the situation. I am direct. I prefer direct. Sometimes I don’t even understand indirect. That isn’t to say I have a callous disregard for other people’s feelings, far from it. You can be direct without being a dick about it. I prefer and expect drama-free. I’d say frankness becomes cruelty when you know it will hurt the other person, and you do it anyway.
If I’m acting like a jackass, I expect someone to point it out. That’s the job. I’m a fully functional adult. I know when I’m wrong. I don’t pretend I’m not. I’ll own it and apologize and do my best to make amends. If you’re acting like a jackass, I’ll point it out. That’s my job. Now, I’m probably not going to call you out in front of your coworkers or family, or anything like that, but if you grow hysterical, or become aggressively defensive, or whatever else, that’s not really my problem.
I guess my feeling is, I’ll be honest and direct about whatever the issue is, and how you handle it is really up to you. That’s if it’s a problem. If it’s just some embarassign thing you’ve done, I’m not going to comment on it at all. Not my place.
It really depends on what I think I can accomplish.
In the case of someone who trips or does something else accidentally, I gain nothing by humiliating them. It’s not like pointing and laughing will make them not trip next time. I’m especially this way with bodily functions - if someone farts around me, I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen. I’d almost prefer if the person didn’t even apologize or excuse themselves. These things happen, you didn’t do it intentionally, let’s move on.
However, if there’s something I think I might accomplish, I am not going to let anything so ephemeral as feelings get in the way. If you intentionally did something wrong, maybe rubbing your face in it will make you think twice. Or if you ignored a dozen face-saving hints that something is an issue and I have no other good solutions, you can bet that I’ll keep escalating it until I get your attention. If that means I stop giving you a way to save face… well, you had a dozen opportunities to self-correct through my more subtle prompts.
I like to try to help other people save face if I can. I also have blunt tendencies, and a weird sense of humour, and am likely to make a joke to help ease the tension for everyone.
I would say this is how my husband is. He’s generally not a jerk. And he is much more practiced at using diplomacy with me or the kids. But if he’s in “work mode,” he tends to do things like matter-of-factly list the ten reasons why someone’s suggestion is wrong, simply expecting them to argue back if he is mistaken, and otherwise to change their approach when confronted with his logic. It’s not personal to him, and sometimes he forgets a bit that it can be very personal for others!
I, on the other hand, had a terrible time with a fellow volunteer who was making our whole team (in fact, the whole organization) look bad and making it difficult to conduct our business. My team and I brainstormed ideas on how to approach it obliquely, set out behavior guidelines generally, and basically hint to her that she needed to shape up or ship out. Didn’t work. As it turns out, she also worked with another branch of our organization, and her partner there simply said, “If you keep doing X you have to stop attending.” She reportedly wasn’t offended and it solved the problem. Our team felt very :smack: when we heard about it!
I have discovered that your husband’s method does not win friends; it might influence people, but the personal cost might be rather high. Or maybe it’s the way I’m doing it.
Anyway, I think the biggest criterion for how I would feel about saving face is: what are the stakes? Is a social faux pas? I can pretend it didn’t happen. At work when a project might succeed or fail depending on what we do, then I’m not going to pussyfoot very much. However, instead of “I don’t think that will work, and here’s why” I would probably say “That’s an interesting idea; I have a few concerns, however.” That’s just courtesy, and who knows, I might be wrong, so I’m saving my own face as well as the other person’s.
Roddy
It’s a fine line, that’s a fact. I lean to the direct path, it’s more honest and true to who I am. Through the years I have learned caution and neutral language must be exercised in equal measure.
And sometimes the right thing to do IS keep your mouth shut.
There have been many times in my life when I have been thanked for speaking up, for saying something, for addressing the elephant in the room, etc. Fewer words are always better, leave the person their dignity, move on quickly. But mostly speak from honesty and with compassion. You can navigate some difficult waters with such skills.
You’ll know you’ve succeeded when, after the moment passes, you hear, “That was amazing! Well done!” Sometimes weeks later, from someone who has still not forgotten it!
I’m with you guys on this. I always try to let others have a way out, a face-saving formula. I never engage in “triumphalism,” but prefer a “good sportsmanship” approach. Laughing at people when they’ve made a blunder is, in my opinion, really rotten behavior.
Interesting… I don’t know if I’d say this is an obstacle. I’d say it allows them to own up to a blunder, but it’s vital to stop short of compelling them to.
I do believe it’s good sportsmanship to admit one’s blunders, but it’s a lot easier to do so if the other guy isn’t crowing over it. Once the nasty jeering laughter starts, I’ll be damned in hell before I’ll concede my fault. But if it’s friendly, supportive laughter (and we all know the difference, dammit!) I’m able to do the basketball “raised hand” thing. “Oops!”