Scattering the Ashes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So my mother died about a week and a half ago. My older brother was living with her, and left a few hours before it happened to go on vacation. She’s always been one of those people who never called or texted back for a day or two, so when my other brother wanted to know what she wanted to do for Mothers Day, we weren’t really concerned about her not answering for a day or so.

Erick (the little brother) stopped by her house the day before Mothers Day, again to see how she wanted to celebrate. He found her dead in her kitchen floor. The coroner says that it looks like she had a massive heart attack, and was dead before she hit the floor. Which is preferable to the notion of her laying in the floor, unable to move, but still coherent enough to know what was going on.

She was 63. With no prior cardiac history. She had high blood pressure, but that was it. And that was under control with medication. It also spells out exactly how I’m going to die. My dad died at 50 from 3 heart attacks in 4 days. And, totally unrelated, but my ex-wife had a heart attack right after the divorce was finalized. She’s a diabetic, so her arteries were too narrow for stents. She had to have a double bypass. At 29.

Mom was cremated, in accordance with her wishes. And she wanted to be scattered in the ocean. The closest one is about 12 hours away. Both of my brothers are Gung ho to make the drive, stay in Virginia Beach until Sunday, then make the 12 hour trip home.

I have always been different from my brothers. They’ve both had good relationships with Mom. My older brother gave her her granddaughter. The younger brother shit diamonds out of a platinum asshole. I honestly think that, if God appeared in front of her and said that he was taking the family to heaven to rule with Him, she’d tell Him to get out of Erick’s chair.

She once told me that she wished she’d have aborted me. That I was her biggest disappointment and failure in life (she was also an unmedicated bipolar for several years).

When I told her I was getting married, she said she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to get off work, even though I told her 6 months ahead of time.

I really don’t want to go to Virginia Beach. I have no problem with her wishes. But I’ve always kinda felt like I didn’t really fit in with her. We fought constantly. We loved each other. But we didn’t like each other.

My brothers have the mentality that all of us go, or no one does. And I don’t know how to make them realize that it would mean more to me if I went on my own and said goodbye in my own way. The little brother is a lieutenant in the Kentucky Prison system, and he’s kind of used to saying something and having people do it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be limiting when not dealing with inmates or subordinates.

So we’re butting heads on this. And arguing about this isn’t helping us come to an agreement.

2

Have you tried saying it explicitly?

With as much thoughtfulness as you put into the post, you would’ve convinced me.

3

Once my parents were dead, the kids had no reason to put up with each other.

And, largely, we don’t.

Here’s your chance! It is a wonderfully liberating club - and lifetime membership is FREE!

4

Gah- 24 hours in the car? Ugh.

Does it have to be an ocean? We sprinkled my sister in a river that she liked. They go the the ocean eventually, don’t they?

How upset will the brothers be if you don’t go?

Will not going cause a permanent rift?

Can you delay the trip?

Can you delay the trip to another time and maybe fly to reduce the drive time?

Maybe the will appreciate practical matters such as ‘we don’t have bereavement leave at work and I can’t take 3 days off right now.’

Will they give you some ash for your own private ceremony?

5

I’m with usedtobe. My relationship with my mother and my siblings was similar to yours. I didn’t go to her funeral. I can acknowledge that she did the best she could with what she was given, but I certainly wasn’t on her wanted kid list.

Stay home, do your own grieving, and let your brothers do as they wish.

6

Here’s what happened, so far. I told them I wasn’t going. Little brother and I fought about it for about an hour. They went without me, which is what I wanted, anyway.

I drove over to my mother’s house. I’m going to stay here and take care of the dog and cat until they get back. Mom’s request about the ocean (and yes, it HAD to be the ocean. My brother took her on a cruise last year, to the Bahamas, and she told him then what she wanted when she died).

The ashes will be gone. But I’m okay with that. To me, it’s the pilgrimage. The place where she ends up being “land’s end” seems almost poetic to me.

I have always stood out from my brothers. The younger one was closest to her, and he’s a literal kind of person. He understands nuance, but has trouble viewing things like this in any way other than pragmatic.

To me, it’s important that her ashes be scattered. But it doesn’t take three of us to do it. I don’t expect them to do things my way, or to understand my positions. Where we run into trouble is that I’m not afforded the same latitude.

7

Your younger brother is my older brother; he gets the job of being perfect and I have the job of being the antichrist. My earliest memory of my mother is her telling me I should have never been born (around age 4). At one point it was bad enough while my brother was in Nam that I was sent to live with relatives because there was no doubt - had anything happened to him she would have killed me. She made a couple attempts over the years but had anything happened then nothing could have stopped her.

When Dad passed away Beloved Brother (who had retired as a Full Bird from the Army earlier) had this whole plan so he could keep his distance and I could do all the work and care. As a trained officer he should have known that most plans don’t survive contact with the enemy. A few months later she went on a total rip, called me names that would make a DI blush, and said “I hope I never have to hear your fucking voice again you little prick”. For better than 10 years I have granted her wish.

What will happen when she goes? I don’t know but I do know it won’t be pretty. Despite everything my brother and I are close in a way but I am clearly Dad’s kind and he has always been mothers. My brother is my brother and used to getting his way. I’m not used to giving anyone free shots or taking orders that go against what I feel and believe.

This is a really long and convoluted way to say I feel for you and my best thoughts are with you alone. Screw the rest of them.

8

You absolutely did the right thing by not going with them. Bravo for not caving in on that. Take care of YOU. And to quote kopek, “screw the rest of them.”