SDMB member moderated Presidential Debate

You know, the creative juices just aren’t flowing right tonight, but could somebody channel lekatt? That would be the greatest debate ever.

Did I now? The OP suggested that it might be in the wrong forum and asked that it be moved if it was, which could have been done without comment. But no, you had to get your little shot in.

You know what? Never mind. I’ve got better things to do than trying to teach a pig to sing.

As moderated by our newest troll Rand Rover:

“I am a tax lawyer so clearly I understand the current economic crisis in its entirety. My $500 an hour bill out is well worth my opinion, even on subjects tangentally related to my education. McCain, you are not a lawyer so your opinion is irrelevant, Obama, you think corporate excess is unfair and so your opinion is also not required. Now, I also…”

And you couldn’t wait until I moved it? No, I guess you couldn’t wait to get your little shot in.

Now, you shouldn’t give up-especially if you’ve already paid for your lessons.

That. Was. The. Point. Of. The. Thread.

Sorry I didn’t make it flowers and candy so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities.

I don’t really have anything to add here, but I always wanted to participate in a “dickfest”.

Senators, I would like to speak to each of your disembodied souls. In front of each of you is a collection of tools that, when used as directed, will kill you. I have the same tools in front of me. Once we’re all dead, I will ask you my question. And remember: truth is more important than love, unless this is a lie.

Fine, but we’re not going to teach you sing, okay?

Hi, I am Glee, your moderator.

Before we start, let me remind the candidates that platitudes on this auspicious occasion are a waste of everyone’s time.

So Senator McCain, if you say "I am going to fight for:

  • what’s right for our country
  • the ideals and character of a free people
  • our children’s future
  • justice and opportunity for all",

then your microphone will be turned off.
There isn’t an American man, woman or child who doesn’t want all that, including your opponent.

What I want to hear tonight is some detail about how you are going to achieve your lofty goals.

Governor Palin, thank you for stepping in at such short notice. Please convey our best wishes to Senator McCain when he recovers.

Before we start, please don’t wink at me. Kindly address me as Mr. Glee.
You are running for the most powerful job in the World and I’m sure we’d all like evidence that you can conduct important negotiations seriously.

Next please try to put things in your own words. If you don’t know, just say so. Endless use of the phrases ‘Alaskan energy’, ‘gal’ and ‘maverick’ should be avoided.

Lekatt: My next question is for President Lincoln…

Hello, I am your moderator Cervaise

Gentleman, if each of you will pick up your dead owl

Yep. I can do that. You betcha. I mean, like, I was only the governor of the biggest state in the whole country. I guess I still am, in a way. But that’s not the important thing. What’s important to me, and to other people in the country everywhere I speak, in my campain, you know. We have so many things we don’t know about Barack Hussein Obama, and that’s what people ask me everywhere I go. They say, “Hey, do you know anything about Barack Hussein Obama?” and I go like [shrug] 'cause I mean, heck, I don’t know. Does anybody? I’ve looked at the news, and yes I do read newspapers. That’s what we call the “mainstream media”. You kinda have to wonder why the mainstream media isn’t telling us anything about Barack Hussein Obama or his lifelong friendships with terrorists and criminals and things like that. So, that’s why I’m answering your question so directly. I think we should ask ourselves, “What would Ronald Reagan do?”. That’s what I’m gonna ask when I’m in the White House. I think people have to ask themselves, “Ya know? Who do I like better? Somebody who loves America or somebody who hates America?” I mean, duh.

No need to add anything, but have you learned to sing yet?

I always thought a ‘dickfest’ was a party with a uneven male/female ratio. Or, when there’s a swimming pool involved, ‘dick soup’.

Me: Good evening and welcome to our special SDMB Presidential Debate. My name is The Tof, and I’ll be moderating.

My first question is to you Mr. McCain- regarding Faith… After assisting the mayor to his ascension, do you believe Buffy was too lenient in allowing Faith to live in her comatose state?

McCain: Thank you The Tof. First I’d like to say hello to all the Straight Dopers out there watching. Second, thank you for giving me this opportunity to deal out a little straight talk at ya. Third, a special greeting to <looks at notes> Opalcat?d Hello… Opal? Now, my friends, it is important to remember that Faith, while a slayer broke the most important law by murdering the Mayors assistant to begin with. While that may not be important to my terrorist counterpart over there, in my state that only ends when the accused meets the business end of a stake. She would certainly not spend her days in a cushy hospital bed.

Me: Obama, a response.

Obama: Hello to all the Dopers. I appreciate this opportunity to speak to you plainly about the issues at hand. Now, clearly John McCain has lost touch. Perhaps he doesn’t realize, or maybe doesn’t understand that as a slayer, Faiths death was not Buffy’s to deal. By leaving her in her comatose state- she allowed the later redemption Faith would claim with Angel. Frankly this is the same broken rhetoric from the past 8 years. An Obama presidency will ensure that Faith would have lived as Joss planned it and not leap to any unfounded conclusions.

Me: My next question is for you Mr. Obama- please caption this cute kitten picture.

Obama: Under a Bush administration that caption would clearly read “I’m in ur marketz- steeling ur economee”. Mr. McCain offers only more of the same misguided captions. Very clearly the cat is riding an “Invisible Snowmobile.”

McCain: My friends- you know that only one person is able to see an invisible snowmobile? You know who that is? That one! Aren’t we all tired of the same old tired “Invisible” objects. I’ve even gone against my own party with the “In ur;damaging ur…” scheme. Only a true Maverick can see that this should clearly read, “My cheezgurger was this big-- i eated it.”

Me: A live question from the BBQ Pit for Mr. McCain- when you greeted all “Straight” Dopers, was your intention truely to exclude the Gay Dopers?

McCain: Listen, we are all friendly here. John McCain would never purposefully exclude any one particular group or class of people- except when it comes to equal rights. You know, my running mate has a gay friend, we are clearly a friend of that community.

Me: Now is The Game Room’s turn: PS3, Xbox or Wii?

Obama: This is truely the question that will define our generation. While McCain is probably still at home singing <to the tune of Barbara Ann> “A tar tar a tar i” I have a plan to spend 80 trillion dollars of tax payer money to develop, by 2012, the PWii Box!

McCain: My Techno Friends- We have to stop our dependance on foreign game systems. This is why I plan on drilling straight through my XBox and search for more advanced systems. In 10-20 years, we may actually find it!

Me: A Question from IMHO, Boobs or legs?

Obama: Legs

McCain: Boobs

Me: And lastly- in Great Debates Please respond with specifics and citations as needed: Can you please clarify where you stand on Foreign Policy specifically with regards to Iran and Iraq.

McCain: Uhhh… War Veteran… POW… Maverick… That Terrorist!.. William Ayers… 9/11…

Obama: My plan of diplomacy is a much needed step forward towards restoring our international image (cite needed). While McCain showed poor judgement at the start of the war (cite needed) I was the only person on the planet to oppose it (cite needed). Clearly it is my judgement you can trust (cite needed)

Me: Thank you both for participating- the election is November 4th… May Og help us.

Good evening candidates. Welcome to the SDMB Presidential and Vice Presidential debate.

Experience has taught us that you folks won’t respond directly to the questions we ask. Instead you will make a brief statement about the nature of the question, followed by a much longer statement about a totally different issue.

With this in mind, you can keep your pie holes shut tonight. We will ask our questions, find public statements you have already made that are relevant to the question, and play them back and discuss them among ourselves.

Thank you and goodnight.

On the SDMB, there wouldn’t be a debate. Obama was [del]coronated[/del] elected by acclamation over six months ago.