I have had a friend since High School who had a twin sister who was very overweight. It never bothered me per se, but I always used to be puzzled because she ate small portions, stayed away from sugary/processed foods, ate lots of vegetables, etc, and was actually quite active. At the time I thought it was just a slow metabolism thing; my friend had the same eating/excersize habits as she did but he was totally ripped. The other day I ran into my old friend and the topic came up. I commented that she had really good eating habits, and I could learn a thing or two as far as eating right. My friend chortled and asked how I could be so naive. I was confused.
He told me that his sister was a ‘secret eater’. That is, she was very careful about what and how much she ate around other people. Thus, while she was always eating small, healthy meals around her friends/family, when she was alone she would gorge on junk food/soda/etc. She used to hide food in her bedroom and eat for hours at a time when everyone else thought she was alseep. She wasn’t bullimic- she only did the ‘binge’ part. When he explained this to me it made me better understand why she couldn’t keep her weight down. But I was still kind of confused about something-
Call me naive, but I have a hard time understanding how someone can be so insecure about what they eat in front of people that they have to eat in secret- wouldn’t it be simpler just to learn to enjoy to eat healthier? The concept of ‘secret eating’ sounds extremely stressful and seems to keep the person’s self-esteem down. Why not just eat better overall (which would be the best alternative) or learn to accept how people are going to judge you? She didn’t have a problem with the way people thought she looked, so I’m kind of confused why she would be so upset if they saw her eating a bag of doritos or something.
It’s not a rational thing, obviously, and simplicity has nothing to do with it. I went through a phase like that in late high school and early college. For me, it was a way of coping with stress, more or less like other people would use alcohol or pot, which I didn’t do. I grew out of it as I matured. There are people who don’t, though, and it can be a problem. Overeater’s Anonymous is specifically modeled on AA, and they use the term “abstinent” for days when they don’t do something like you describe.
Also, I’m half convinced by the conspiracy theory that says they put some kind of drug in Doritos.
I’d say it probably has something to do with being judged by others. If you’re overweight and you gorge in front of other people, many will think “gee, no wonder she’s overweight!”. They will know it’s her fault for eating too much, not a poor metabolism. Some overweight people are embarassed by eating in front of other people, because they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they are being judged by it.
However, if she eats right in front of others, they will assume what you did - it must be her metabolism. People don’t blame her for her weight, because they only see her behaving in healthy ways, so it must truly be beyond her control. There is less judgement from other people if they think her weight is not her own fault.
Yep to both of the above. I’ve just started doing the same thing, and it’s driving me nuts. There’s an element of “It doesn’t count if no one sees me eating it.” which is, of course, total bullshit. There’s another element of my husband being a total jackass about my weight problem. In his defense, he’s probably just as frustrated with it as I am, because I’ll complain about how hungry I am and how I can’t stop eating, and then complain about my weight. But a few weeks ago, I ate two slices of cheesecake in one day, and he got very angry with me and called me a pig.
Haven’t eaten in front of him since.
There is a huge amount of judgement thrown at overweight people for eating the wrong thing. Look at your own OP. You didn’t judge her harshly when you thought she was being “good,” but now that you know she’s been “bad,” it’s an issue. Why would we want to subject ourselves to open hostility like that?
The other thing I experience is that there’s times when I’m completely fine with my overweightness, and then I’ll eat stupid things because I honestly don’t care. Then, usually when I’m around other people, I become ashamed of myself and eat “properly.”
It’s a stupid, stupid, irrational thing, you’re absolutely right. But the damn bad food just tastes so damn good.
Complusive overeating is like any other addiction (powerful, baffling and mysterious) and a lot of the habits are similar. Looking like you are in control in front of others while dreaming of when you can be alone with your binge is quite typical. You know (or assume you know) how others see someone who is overweight eating a lot in front of them–what a slob, no wonder they are overweight, as badbadrubberpiggy said. And being distracted by others when you just want to be single-minded about your binge is no good. You believe that your acquaintances won’t understand so you isolate yourself to be with your companion, food that never lets you down. Other people can be uncertain and stressful; food is faithful and unchanging. And as much as it feels like the thing to do for yourself, you know that it is not normal, not what regular people do.
There are times when you find a binging buddy and are open about it in front of them because you feel like they are OK with it, or are an overeater themselves and can understand and buy into the behavior.
The idea of giving up your drug for healthy eating can be an impossible one. When I am in the food, the idea of vegetables or reasonable portions is ludicrous; how am I going to get high off of that??
There are also people who eat “normally” during the day but sleepwalk and eat everything in the house at night, without being aware of it. This is less common that compulsive eating, but it does happen.
Now that I’ve lost a lot of weight, I feel more comfortable talking to my boyfriend about why I had been so heavy. I was telling him about how I felt I had been addicted to sugar, if I ate one cookie, I felt compelled to eat 20-30 cookies. He said, “I never saw you eat a box of cookies at once!”
Well duh, why would I want to do something so embarassing in front of an audience?? There were plenty of times alone to hit the snack machine, buy a candy bar eat it, go buy another candy bar, eat it etc.
I certainly will. I thought of lots of nasty things to say to him in return, but decided it would be more harmful than useful. I did, once the initial rage cooled off, let him know very calmly that I thought stooping to name calling was the refuge of the weak-minded, and that there are far more useful ways to address problems.
He did (for what it’s worth) apologize later, but it was and remains the single most hurtful incident in our marriage.
Holy crap, WhyNot! If my husband called me a pig, he’d be sleeping in his car. And Holy Hell, it’s not like you’ve been under an incredibly amount of stress and change and chaos or anything with a premature baby and hospitalization and trying to breastfeed! And two slices of cheesecake is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
I’ve had (have) issues with my weight and eating as well, and I know that every nasty remark makes me want to turn to food for comfort. I’m didn’t have any issues with weight until my mother started saying things like, “you don’t really need to eat that, do you” crap. I was a normal size and never considered before that there might be something wrong with the way I looked (not like my petite mom, but my medium build father). That’s when I started being secretive.
People don’t seem to be aware that the judgement and the comments (no matter how “helpful” you think they are) make everything worse.
I’m not dieting now (pregnant) but when I was, my husband basically adopted a healthy eating habit with me and didn’t bring junk into our home or eat crap in front of me. That was the most supportive thing he could have done.
On the contrary, his sister acted like she was trying to improve herself. This made me feel that maybe she was being proactive about controlling her weight, at least down to healthy levels. The change in attitude had to do with the fact that she was so secretive about it. If she didn’t care how people thought of her, why would she care what they saw her eat? It is difficult to relate to.
Sometimes we don’t get the full story on the Straight Dope. I’d say there are cases where gentle and kind statements of love, affection, and concern do not get through, or the softness is taken advantage of. It may not be fully “right,” but it’s understandable when someone (who may be at their wits end with a loved one who can’t seem to push away from the table) turns to more drastic measures.
For me it started in high school when I was just starting to become, shall we say, curvy, not yet fat, just hips and boobs. My sister was straight as a board and could eat any darn thing she wanted. My parents, both overweight and fearful that I would be too, started criticizing what I ate.
Example: Everyone in the family is having ice cream for dessert and I would hear from one of them, “Maybe you shouldn’t have any because you don’t want do gain any more weight.” Or I’d get home from school and I would actually be hungry and I’d go to eat something and hear, “Why are you eating? You don’t need that.”
I understand, now, that they were trying (in their misguided way) to help me, but it didn’t work. In fact it did just the opposite. It led to me eating very little at meals and snacking when I was alone. I would eat so little at dinner that I would be very hungry at night. I would wait until they went to be and eat something. Of course, that lead to eating whenever I was on my own, in case I didn’t feel I could eat in front of someone later. This carried me all the way through college and early adult hood.
Even though my husband never once criticized a single thing I put in my mouth, I continued this habit after we were married. He’d leave for work or to go to the store and the first thing I did was open the fridge.
Then I started to actually gain weight and become chubby, and ultimately* fat*. Then I decided that if I threw up what I ate, I wouldn’t get as fat. Not true. If you combine binging/purging with normal eating. You still gain. Trust me.
I’m doing much better now (no more B&P), but I still have a hard time eating normal sized meals in front of my folks…and I’m 36 yo.
I would say her fear was about people knowing she was not in control. In public, her weight was obvious. Projecting comfort with her appearance made her seem in control. Eating healthy portions in public made her seem in control. But no one is completely in control all the time. For the many reasons that people have issues with food, she overate. She did it in private, though, to maintain the appearance of control in public.
I think she’s worried what other people will think about her. If she has a family like mine, they comment on everything goes into her mouth. Everytime I’d eat something fattening when I was in high school, my mom would chant, “Calories, calories, calories! I hope you can work that off. After all, you’re getting a little…big,” while at the same time making high-calorie foods and acting hurt if I didn’t eat them. She’d do it in private and in public. Messages like that are very conflicting and I used to eat in secret simply because I didn’t want my mom commenting on what I was eating. I’m still sensitive about it - I can’t snack around people and I feel really conspicuous eating when no one else is, even if I’m starving.
Well-meaning family members and friends (or those who act like they’re well-meaning, anyway) can contribute to a lot of weird behavior. Most women I know would prefer that people notice that they don’t eat instead of noticing that they do.
Her response was, “Oh, Overly! You know I don’t think you’re fat. I’m just trying to help. Develop a thicker skin, will you?” Strangely enough, I wasn’t fat. I was about 20 pounds underweight - every time I see of picture of myself in shorts or volleyball bun-huggers, I cringe - my legs look like popcicle sticks with wads of muscle attached. But I guess thin is relative - my cousin and aunt were both models for a long time, and I think both of them still look skeletal. Either way, I’m not certain that the yardstick by which I was measured was a reasonable one.
Incubus, I wonder a little at your friend’s reaction to your comments over his sister’s eating. Does he laugh at her for her habits? If so, I’m sure that’s not helping her.
No, I think that it was the fact that he felt the situation (eating in secret) was kind of obvious, and was surprised that I was so naive. But who knows, I’m not a mind reader!
I don’t understand how people (Mothers in particular, sheesh! :rolleyes: ) could be so judgemental about what their daughter is eating. Hello? What the hell are you putting in your mouth?! My parents used to nag me into eating vegetables. But at least they set a good example by eating lots of veggies themselves- why would I bother to try them if my own parents didn’t themselves?!
