But today, in the same day, I saw a trailer for “Joe Dirt” in which a man pointed out the nuts in a frozen pooball, and an anti-smoking commercial in which some guy squeezed plaque out of an aorta, on broadcast TV, during primetime.
It’s one thing if I rent a movie and it’s gross. It’s another to be at home, watching “The Simpsons,” not wanting to see anything particularly gross, and then to have an aorta waved in my face.
If it were within my power, I would hire one of those Philip K. Dick harassment mini-zeppelins to follow you people around and play “Pink Flamingoes” at all times. While you’re trying to eat. While you’re trying to have sex. While you’re having quality time with your children. While you’re in meetings, trying to plan the next way to gross us out.
And while I were at it, I’d send one after the Shitmonger, too.
Y’know, Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes fame) started a game called “gross-out”. You take turns saying the grossest thing you can think of, and when one person grosses the other person out, he gets a point. So far, you’re losing, Ben.
The Toothpaste story: I tried masturbating while using toothpaste as a lubricant. I was thinking, “Hey, it’s slippery when you brush your teeth.” However, I soon found out that without saliva to keep the moisture levels optimal, toothpaste begins to stick… and I wound up tearing the skin on Lil’ SPOOFE (just under the head, too… EEEOOOWWWCH!!!).
The Toothbrush story: Despite Mr. Cynical’s seeming obsession with it, it simply involves me sticking a toothbrush up my ass to see what anal stimulation is like. Needless to say, it was interesting, but it quickly occurred to me that I had a fuckin’ toothbrush (no pun intended) up my ass, and I quickly removed it and threw it away.
Tansu… what do you think I use when nipple clamps aren’t available?
Hash… it was the Toothpaste Incident that taught me that I need to learn how to whack off dry. Aside from that, though, I’ve found that most hand lotions provide a nice feeling… although, being a poor college student with limited funds and transportation, I’ve been unable to get my hands on “professional” lube like KY jelly or such.
