The question was raised about when a person started wanting children. I can remember being around my newborn cousin when she was from 2 to 6 months of age, and I was 13. At that time, I was fascinated with what she could and couldn’t do, and her ability to relate to humans (I wouldn’t have put it in those words at that age, however)
At any rate, I knew at the beginning of my teenage years that I wanted to have kids. With the model and influence of my Father, I knew that being a family was the only way I wanted to live my life.
I tend to see children through disorted eyes…their potential is always visible it seems to me.
When my kids were young, I was fortunate to take part in all aspects of their life…well, not birth or nursing…and enjoyed almost all of it. While I didn’t enjoy changing diapers, I didn’t resent it. I did enjoy potty training my two sons by somewhat unconventional methods, and playing Leggos with them, and all of the things that kids do. In their older years…past 8 or so, I really enjoyed the intellectual development process, and their increasing independence.
My sons are looking forward to seeing me as a Grandpa…so am I.
I wish it were easier. I wish my first child had not died. I wish Primafloret the Elder wasn’t Aspergers, OCD, anxiety disorder, ADD, SID, dyslexic, dysgraphic, and didn’t have perioventricular malacia while testing off the charts on IQ tests. I could have done with a bit more normal in my life. I wish P the Younger wasn’t autistic although he is of high intelligence.
I don’t regret having my kids at all . I only regret that some avenues of my life were left unexplored after my oldest child came along 10 years earlier than expected.
I sometimes think that my life would have taken a completely different path if it weren’t for my kids. Not neccesarily a better path, just different.
So far, I have no regrets. As for wanting them, my situation is somewhat peculiar, as I didn’t so much want them as wanted to meet them again, in person (having dreamed of them repeatedly as a kid - whether that is rational or not, it is the way my expectations set themselves up, and hence, not exactly the usual path).
The question brings up something my mom has said, though. She had seven kids. Not surprisingly, she gets asked two questions a lot: are you sorry you had them? and would you do it again if you could go back and start over?
She says her answers have changed over time. When a stack of us were still in grade school, the answers were: No, I’m not sorry, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again. When more of us were in the midst of adolescence, the answers were: I’m really sorry I did it, and I really would never do it again. Ever. When the last of us had reached adulthood, and we had established the adult-child to adult-parent relationships – the longest part of our relationships to one-another, as she happily points out – the answers were: NO, I absolutely do not regret it, and I would do it again in a hot second, even with all the tantrums, misery, moping, anxiety, stress, etc. It is worth every second, good and bad.
I also have two pretty easy, interesting, fairly healthy kids. It makes it much easier for me to say I don’t regret it.
I have a 7 month old daughter. Your post made me cry. I’m going home and I will hold and kiss her fatty fat little face tonight and try desperately to hold onto the feeling.
To the OP:
I can honestly say I only regret having a kid when she has the huge disgusting poopy diapers and somehow gets poop both on her ears and in between her toes. Yeech.
All the rest of the time having a gorgeous healthy happy baby, who with all things being equal will grow up into a wonderful adult, is the most glorious, difficult, rewarding thing I have ever done. I think to myself every day, “Thank goodness we didn’t wait any longer to have kids.” She was born 2 weeks before our first aniversary, and was by far the best gift we could ever have given each other.
Bleh. Gush gush but that is honestly how I feel. Ask me again how I feel about her when she is 16 and totals my new car or something.
There’s moments when the responsibility is trying, but I can deal with that. The only reason I’ve ever really had in those moments of wanting to be childfree was that of the childs own mortality. It’s really hard sometimes to accept that you can’t control the whole world, and there’s only so much you can do to protect your child against it.
I don’t understand how those who lose children are able to go on, though obviously people can.
My wife and I have two, a boy and a girl. We decided that that was enough, and had operations to assure it.
There are times, especially the bad days when I think “What the hell were we thinking??” Life is a little harder, money is a little tighter because of them, but if I try to think of my life without them i can’t imagine. I love my children dearly. Even when I wake up and find the fridge emptied out all over the kitchen floor, I still would not change it. My life would definately be emptier. Kids are great, just make sure your financially ready for them, makes things a lot easier ( specially if they both are in diapers like mine were).
I have 3 boys with another baby due next month. I have absolutely no regrets!
That being said, I often wonder what my life would be like now if I did not have any kids, or if I didn’t even marry my wife. When I look at what I could have been without all that, I am glad I took the path I took, because my life would have been incredibly boring otherwise.
My wife and I had two sons and then adopted two girls and a boy. It did take me some time to adjust to the idea of adopting twins at the age of 42. There were times that I wished we’d started earlier, but those early years of not having children were just too good. Now they are grown and only one son is “temperarily” staying at home. We lost one of the girls to cancer and that definitely was the hardest part of it all.
I have absolutely no regrets. Looking back I can’t imagine not having children.
I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, but don’t agree that you have to have kids to know that. I had figured it out by the time I was fifteen or so. Like I told my mother during one of those “you should love your brother 'cause he’s the only one you’ll ever have” lectures “Just because you sometimes want to slap someone so hard his head spins a complete 360, that doesn’t mean you don’t love him. And vice versa.”
It helps that my two incredible children ( they get their incredible-ness from me ) are healthy, smart and fully functional domestic tyrants.
I truly feel for the doper parents of kids who are disabled. I know first hand what it is like for you from watching my mother. While it rips your heart out, it makes you stronger. You all have an express ticket to heaven, in my book. I thank God (and everyone else upstairs) every minute of the day for my healthy children.
I came from a semi-large family. Sure, my siblings are all ill and dying off, but the fun of a large dysfunctional family ( and they all are, don’t kid yourself.) cannot be beaten with a broomstick and is more interesting and aggrevating than Reality TV.
I would have 10 kids if I didn’t think my waistline would be like those two fat guys wearing cowboy hats and sunglasses riding mini bikes in the Guiness Book of World’s record.
What would my life be like without them? Less laughs. Laughter is imperative in life. The house would still be a disaster. Kids are my excuse to not clean.
I am a better person with them in my life.
**Persephone ** I threaten my children with selling them to the gypsies all the time. Where in the hell is **KAL ** when we need him?
A bit off topic - but why do so many parents think they become better people as parents? Some of the people I know became better people while raising children, but some of the people I know became better people after getting married, or moved to a new town, or finishing a thesis… My criteria for better person? The degree to which a person recognizes a different point of view, plays fair, is considerate…
I am not questioning any of the dopers here, but some of the most selfish, petty people I know are just as selfish and petty now as they were 5, 10, and even 20 years ago, and I want to slap them cross-eyed when they talk about how being a parent changed them.
FYI - many of my friends and family were lovely, unselfish, empathetic souls before having children, and stayed that way even through the terrible twos and teen trauma.
On topic: I suspect (very strongly) that my mother would have been happier childless. One of my grandmothers told me that she regretted having children and wouldn’t have done it if she had felt she had any other options. The other told me, shortly before she died and stressing that she loved all her children and grandchildren, that she hated the church for making her have so many children.
I feel I have become a better person because having a child has matured me, made me more relaxed about “little things”, and I also now push myself harder to succeed in life. Before I had a child, I had no idea what to do with myself. (I was young, it was a “surprise” baby.) I lacked direction and ambition. Now I want to get out into the world, give to the community, and have a successful career. Sure, I probably would have reached this point anyway, but it probably would have been much later in life. I am somebody’s role model and I take that responsibility very, very seriously. That’s how I’ve become a better person.
As for the original question: I don’t regret becoming a parent. I would have chosen to do so later in life, and with a better partner, but that can’t be changed now. The only complaint I have about being a (single) parent is that I have absolutely no social life. (I am too busy working and taking care of a child and home, and in my spare time I just wanna relax and spend time with my kid.)
) are healthy, smart and fully functional domestic tyrants.