…
I had to battle the stupid evil computer at the grocery store to get the
iced tea, though, along with the deceptive donuts (I saw a box of eclair
looking things at the bakery for cheap, and I start eating them to find out
that they have no hidden goo. Trickery.). It’s a different store than I
usually go to and they have higher security on their automated checkout
aisles than I’m used to.
I scanned the box of donuts, and put them aside. It was unhappy.
“Place the item in the bag”
“What? No, it’s a big box. I don’t need a bag.”
“Place the item in the bag”
“I’M GOING TO CARRY IT THANKS”
“Place the item in the bag”
“Look… it probably won’t fit.”
“Place the item in the bag”
“OK! FINE! LOOK! It’s in the bag! are you happy? How the hell do you even
know it wasn’t in the bag anyway? Has someone actually developed and
distributed inside-the-bag detector technology?”
“Place the bag on the loading area”
“What? I just… it’s right there. The box is in the bag, and the bag is
sitting right there”
By now the attendant and customers are probably thinking I’m retarded. Look
assholes! I can build computers, I can program them… I can face down a
stupid little machine. It’s stupid! Not me!
“Place the bag on the loading area”
“Okay, fine! Here! There’s probably a weight sensor here or something, so
let me move that right here, and… okay, you shut up, good”
I scan the next item.
“Place the item in the bag”
“GIVE ME A SECOND YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!”
At this point I’m ready to rally an uprising against the machines. I wanted
the stupid checkout machine to have some bad-ass exoskeleton human form that
I could face in physical combat, and if it was to defeat me then at least I
could take it like a man, going out fighting. And if I were to prevail, not
only would I get my iced tea and donuts, but I could use my knowledge in
conquering the machine to one day lead a resistance.
“Place the item in the bag”
Skynet isn’t going to wipe out the human race via nuclear war and bad ass
robots. It’s going to annoy us all to death by giving us some complicated
procedure by which we purchase groceries without human contact, and then
coldly mock us as we fail to properly follow the exact protocol. Mass
suicides will follow. The next sequel should be “Terminator 4: Death by a
Thousand Cuts”