Self esteem: Did you always have it? If not, how did you acquire it?

In My Humble Opinion
61

I agree with this, as well with others who believe self-esteem has nothing to do with your ability to set goals or accomplish things.

I have a healthy self-esteem. Always have. If you were to ask me why I’m this way, I couldn’t tell you. Just like I can’t tell you why my feet are a size 9 or why I’m right-handed instead of left. My self-esteem just is. Although it is the case that I am fairly accomplished in life and have a lot to be proud of, honestly, I still think my self-esteem would be intact if I were significantly less accomplished. IMO, being able to accomplish things is a by-product of having a good self-esteem. Not a cause.

I think the difference between someone with self-esteem and someone without is the strength of their built-in coping mechanisms. When I fail at something, my brain does a great job of protecting my ego from the stress this failure causes. For every embarrassing mistake or flub I make, there are eleventy rationalizations that my mind can generate that makes me feel better. And it’s an automatic process; I can’t remember ever consciously making this a habit. There are probably some major tradeoffs to the way I’m wired, but a positive side effect of this is that it takes a lot for me to get down on myself. I always have my own back, even if no one else on the planet does.

If I notice something about me that is less than perfect, instead of beating myself over the head over it, I give myself two choices that I consider equally valid: fix it or accept it. Anything else serves no purpose and is a waste of energy.

So my advice to someone without self-esteem is to try to strengthen their internal defenses. Maybe start by thinking of an issue that causes you shame, guilt, or self-loathing, and write down things a kind person would say to make you feel better. Then start a habit of reflecting on that list everytime that issue comes up in your mind.

Bad thought: “I look like a whale, my cellulite is hideous, and no person in their right mind could ever be attracted to this body.”

Corrective thought: “Persons much bigger, and much cellulitey than me, have managed to find love and attraction, and if they can do it, so can I.”

62

I think what you’re talking about is detachment. You are not your failures, nor are you your successes. You are just you. (With the face!) And you were born as perfect and deserving as anyone else on the planet.

63

If I just drifted from day to day without a plan for my future, I wouldn’t value myself. But because I’ve taken the first steps to several “thousand-mile journeys,” I’ve been able to accomplish life-long goals. I crossed off three things from my life list last year, and in two years, I’ll have four more completed, maybe five.

Having self-esteem is a three-part process:

  1. Figure out what you want.
  2. Figure out how to get it.
  3. Get it.

Self-esteem isn’t a goal in itself; it’s a derivative of that process. While lots of people fail at each of these steps, you don’t have to be one of those people.

64

This is what I was trying to say. It’s surprisingly easy to believe that all humans - all creatures, really - deserve respect and fair treatment, except you. You are ungrateful, lazy, have brought it all on yourself, etc, etc, etc and otherwise are not deserving of being treated better than dirt. My unscientific impression is that it’s usually the result of a parent who didn’t have the maturity to deal with a child’s immaturity and blamed them for it, which runs the gamut from overt abuse to very subtle messages that no-one but the child would pick up on.

You can’t undo the damage until you realize that those messages were wrong, and you really do qualify for decent treatment along with the rest of the human race. It’s easy to say, and really hard to believe. As others have pointed out, it’s often useful to start treating yourself with respect and kindness first, and then belief eventually follows.

(As an aside, I hate it when parents complain about their small children* in front of said children*. I don’t have a problem with parents sharing stories about the dumb thing their toddler did with a full diaper, but do you really think that because he’s five feet away with a toy in his hand that he doesn’t hear and understand you perfectly? Don’t humiliate your kids for being kids! Save it for when you’re at the coffee shop and he’s with a babysitter!)

65

This.

And this.

66

I suppose I just don’t think like “I suck”. That is to say, if my boss (or whoever) yells at me, I think “why is this fucking asshole yelling at me?” I may also think “was there something I did incorrectly that I should improve on for the future?” or “I’m not particularly good at that task.” I certainly wouldn’t think that I inherently suck as a person

Women tend to project on their flaws and insecurities onto their weight. “I can’t find a man because I’m so fat” is a common refrain. It might be that you’re just annoying.

67

I do not have self-esteem. I’ve struggled with feeling like a worthless piece of shit for most of my life. How did this come about? I don’t know, other than guesses that public school seriously screwed me up.

How am I getting out of that belief? The only way is to do things and succeed at them. This doesn’t directly change the negative belief, but it gives chances for the brain to believe other beliefs, if that makes any sense. Over time, with practice, the positive beliefs are believed more and become stronger, and the negative beliefs are believed less and become weaker.

I’m a fan of Doidge’s brain-plasticity philosophy, which essentially states that the more you believe something, the stronger the nerve pathways in the brain that correspond to that belief become, and the more difficult it is to not believe it… and the best way to eliminate a belief is to believe something else.

(bolding mine)
Wow. That may be one of the best insights I’ve read all year.

68

I walked into a cave where an old man was sitting, tending twin fires. I saw the self esteem as I approached. Then he stated:

IT IS DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE. TAKE ONE OF THESE

I grabbed the self esteem, held it aloft for five seconds, and walked out of the cave.

69

“I’ve never had high self-esteem. Guess I just wasn’t born with it.”

“It’s not something you’re born with; it’s a *skill *you have to work at!”

“Ah. Well, now I feel guilty too. Thanks!”

70

My take on that is completely opposite. If it’s something you can learn, there’s hope. :slight_smile:

71

By the way, I agree with those who are saying self-esteem isn’t really that important (and certainly not a predictor of happiness.) Self-efficacy is really the thing we should be shooting for, and as **WhyNot **pointed out, that basically entails dealing with the fact that you suck at some things.

72

For me, it’s not about other people. People are usually very nice and kind or indifferent to me, and it has no effect on me whatsoever. If someone were to ever be rude or hostile towards me, it would piss me off at that moment but it wouldn’t linger on my mind. When it comes to other people’s opinions, I am quite detached.

The fact that I can be so detached is the main reason I loathe the monster hidden within.

It’s never been about other people. For me, that’s the dang problem.

73

Exactly. I am my own worst enemy. Also, my own best friend. It’s the second part that it took time to realize.

74

I don’t have much self esteem. Growing up, my mother was a nurse, she gave and gave and didn’t ever demand anything for herself. I never saw her take time off for her own pursuits. She had 3 kids and a husband to take care of, she never really put herself first ever.

My dad gave up work when he was in his early 50’s when he got sick. Whenever he did anything for himself, it was small things like fish, never felt like he enjoyed the life he had. Since I’m older, I suspect that he was severely depressed.

So I grew up never thinking that my needs were not important. So now that I’m in my 40’s, I still don’t. I would love if there was a magic bullet to raise my self esteem. I have never felt that I was even allowed to have wants let alone to work hard to make them happen. So I’m skating thru my life and don’t really feel any connection to it. I work 5 days a week, I have a wife but I really feel like I’m disconnected.

I wish there was a book, or an activity that I could partake in that would make me feel more connected. Or feel that I was worthy of even looking for a new job, or worthy of spending money on myself. I just honestly don’t feel like I deserve much. Don’t know how I can fix that.

75

like

76

When I do thing that I suck at, I remember the Miracle of the Dancing Bear: “The miracle is not that the bear dances well. The miracle is that the bear dances at all.” There are people who are worse than me at French. But not a lot of them. But I keep going with it, and slowly I get better.

77

I admit it does bother me when people say, gee, I always thought I was awesome, I don’t know what your problem is. Or, I felt lousy about myself for awhile but then, gosh darn it, I just pulled myself out of it by achieving my goals!

These people, I have to think, were, either by unusual native resilience or environmental good fortune, not seriously damaged at a young age, hence can’t seem to muster understanding or compassion for those that were. It took me fifty years to feel indifferent to my mother, who clearly and distinctly wanted me to die and deliver her from my awful self, for as long as I can remember. I am deeply grateful for that gift of indifference, believe me.

People are not, in reality, all that malleable. After a lifelong struggle, I am able to be somewhat less self-absorbed (in my own misery). I am able to accept that I am not going to be a much better or happier person, so I concentrate on first doing no harm, on caring for my damaged soul, and helping out others where I can manage to. I’m grateful for generally being able, now, to intervene in self-lacerating behavior and lead myself by the hand to a safer place. To me, that is grace, more than I ever expected.

78

I’m really surprised that none of you said or even implied “I have value because those around me value me.” That doesn’t factor in at all? Or you just don’t let it, in order to protect yourself?

79

That’s a really good question.

What you’re asking about is the esteem of others. We all want that. We all want the esteem, value, love, and validation of others. But in getting that, we put a lot of power in their hands. They can give it, and they can take it away. When you give your power over to others, you don’t leave much for yourself.

What we’re talking about here is self-esteem, self-value, self-love, self-validation. It’s taking charge of your own happiness. It’s reclaiming your own power.

The ironic thing is that if you have your own self-esteem, others will esteem you more. It’s magnetic. Low self-esteem is repulsive. And yes, people with low self-esteem tend to protect themselves by shutting others out.

80

More likely low self-esteem thought: “Persons much bigger, and much cellulitey than me, have managed to find love and attraction - and I still can’t! What the fuck is wrong with me? I suck.”