Self esteem: Did you always have it? If not, how did you acquire it?

In My Humble Opinion
81

Hehe. jimm, I was thinking exactly that.

This is how things work with a person with low self-esteem.

Low self-esteemer: I always feel so stupid and incompetent. Arg.

Reassurer: But you have a college degree!

Low self-esteemer: Yeah, from a third-rate university! And you seem to be forgetting that I majored in underwater basket-weaving, not rocket science.

Reassurer: But you make baskets so well, though! They don’t just let anyone be the vice president at the basket-weaving company.

Low self-esteemer: There are five other vice-presidents at that company. And we just got the job because we’ve been there the longest. I’m the worst one.

Reassurer: Well, you’re fooling everyone and that’s really all that matters. Didn’t you just get a raise?

Low self-esteemer: Yes, but we all did.

Reassurer: So? They don’t give raises to incompetents. They get fired.

Low self-esteemer: I guess you’re right. But I still don’t think I’m smart. If I was smart, I could find a girlfriend.

Reassurer: Dude, you don’t have to be smart to get a girlfriend You just need to relax and lighten up on yourself. Girls hate guys who are so insecure.

Low self-esteemer: I wish I could be more secure in myself, but I feel like there are all these things wrong with me. It’s hard to pretend that they aren’t there. And then when I think that maybe I’m just blowing everything out of proportion, I start hating myself for being melodramatic and wonder why I just can’t be cool, like everyone else is. It’s a cycle of hate.

Ressurer: You’re thinking wayyy too hard, man. Here, smoke this. It’ll make you forget about all your problems.

82

It’s not a goal; it’s an ongoing process which develops as individuals act in ways congruent with their values and goals thereby obtaining positive external validation/reinforcement which in turn improves their internal sense of self.

83

ETA:
In the mid-90’s there was a lot of research around gender and self-esteem/worth/confidence. Reel and Gilligan posited that males obtain their sense of self based on their accomplishments while females do so via their interpersonal interactions. Of course there is significant crossover there, and changing gender roles and multisystemic factors are significant, but if conceptualized in an evolutionary framework (read: caveman zeitgeist) it actually makes sense.

84

The thing is, everyone has those feelings of anxiety about career, relationships and so on. But it sounds like you internalize them more than most.

85

Sometimes a person is simply delusional.

It is hard to convince a person that they are delusional. It’s damn near impossible.

And then sometimes–and this is the controversial part–someone is accurate in their assessment about themselves. If you were introduced to a 40-year-old virgin still living in his parents’ basement, barely employed at McDonald’s, who spends his free time playing X-Box and watching old reruns of “Charles in Charge”, you wouldn’t think, “Hey, that guy has a great life! Who wouldn’t love being him?” I know you, msmith. You wouldn’t be thinking that. You would be thinking, “Man, that guy is a loser. He needs to lose weight, get a better job, get his own place, and then get laid!” You might feel disgust and contempt when you are around this person. You wouldn’t want to be his friend. If he tried to date your sister, you’d tell her she could do a lot better. Every time he opens his mouth to offer an opinion, you’d think, “Why the hell should anyone listen to you?! You drop fries for a living!”

The “loser” with no self-esteem simply agrees with you. He looks at his life and thinks it’s no good. And if his efforts to change are never successful, that’s just going to entrench the self-hatred.

Sure, most people with low self-esteem aren’t that bad off. But as I said before, for every person it’s something different.

If people agree that not everyone deserves love, then they should understand where low self-esteem comes from. The existence of unlovable people in the world makes the person with low self-esteem feel justified in their feelings.

86

This is exactly the problem. People with healthy outlooks have feelings of anxiety, get stressed, get angry, depressed, etc. in appropriate situations. You lose a job, a person you deeply love breaks up with your, you get cancer, someone sticks a gun in your face, etc., and you should be feeling strong emotions.

People with unhealthy outlooks get overly stressed, excess anxiety, deep depression, uncontrolled anger, etc., in situations where the “normal” doesn’t. I was just having this conversation with a friend the other day. It would be normal for someone to experience feelings of depression for a while after the loss of a loved one, but if eight years later, the person is still crying themselves to sleep everything, then we’ve got a problem.

There are a number of reasons why some people do not function at the same level as others. Some medical ,which can be counters with drugs. Sometimes growing up in abusive or overly neglectful environments with really, really fucked up messages from parents can cause people to not learn the same lessons that others in society do. Drinking too much. There a number of reasons.

The trick is finding out why and how to overcome these issues.

87

This is exactly the problem. People with healthy outlooks have feelings of anxiety, get stressed, get angry, depressed, etc. in appropriate situations. You lose a job, a person you deeply love breaks up with your, you get cancer, someone sticks a gun in your face, etc., and you should be feeling strong emotions.

“Healthy” and “appropriate” are highly subjective–as is “should” to some extent. Everyone experiences things differently–context is everything. I think that what you’re talking about is more about assets/protective factors than self-esteem (though the former is what creates the latter).

88

It’s also easy to say “Get over it!” when you have never gotten over “it.” You may think you have, but really how can you know?

I have been told by a couple of people that it’s not a big of a deal if I never experience romantic love and that I shouldn’t be bothered by the hole its absence has in my life. But these people HAVE experienced romantic love and do not know what it is like to walk in my alienated shoes. Just like I have never experienced being physically unattractive or having intellectual impairments. If someone were bummed out about these things, I would feel sympathetic towards them, but I wouldn’t be able to relate well enough to be able to say “You are blowing things out of proportion. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”

No, not everyone has experienced the same things and attitudes in life. This is a myth.