I HAVE FOLLOWED ALL ORDERS TO PERFECTION. MY TRAINING ALLOWS ME TO DO SO WITHOUT THINKING - IT IS INSTINCT. I AM CURRENTLY OFF THE COAST OF THE FAROESE, LODGED INSIDE THE ABDOMEN OF A FOURTEEN FOOT NARWHALE.
IT IS COLD BUT I AM WARMED BY THE BATTERY OF MY SECURE LAPTOP AND THE COMFORTABLE THRONE OF MY OWN FECES. I HAVE RIGGED AN ANTENNA OUT OF THE WHALE’S HORN AND TWO POUNDS OF HUMAN TEETH AND AM CURRENTLY MONITORING THE SECRET SUMERIAN SPACE STATION WHICH HAS BEEN IN GEOSYNCHRONOUS ORBIT OVER THE ARCTIC CIRCLE SINCE 3704 B.C.
I HAVE OBEYED ALL ORDERS AND AM HAPPY TO SAY THAT I HAVE PROVED BEYOND A DOUBT THAT ONE DOES NOT NEED A TORSO TO LIVE. I HAVE ALSO PROVED THAT THERE IS LIFE ON MARS, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER TRANSMISSION.
I MUST SAY I AM BEGINNING TO THINK THAT ONE OF MY SUPERIORS IS DISINGENUOUS. SOME OF MY ORDERS HAVE BEEN MOST PERPLEXING. I WAS PARTICULARLY CONFUSED BY “THE PRUPLE RHINO”. I WILL ACCESS THE GENETIC CODE OF THE COELACANTH TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS MOST ANCIENT WORD. THE KNOWLEDGE IS THERE FOR THE TAKING, AND TRUST ME - I’LL TAKE IT.
IF I FIND OUT ONE OF YOU IS A DOUBLE AGENT, I WILL BE EJACULATED OUT OF THE BLOWHOLE OF MY HOST THE NARWHALE, SWIM ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN USING MY SPINE AS A CRUDE PADDLE, AND STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH WITH THE REMAINING EXPOSED NERVE ENDINGS IN MY MOUTH WHERE MY TEETH USED TO BE.
I LEARNED THAT TACTIC IN DELTA FORCE.
I MUST GO NOW, BUT I’LL WARN YOU ONE LAST TIME. . .CEASE AND DESIST. . .DON’T FORCE ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR LAST PAYCHECK!!!
For any transformation which is sufficiently diversified in application to be of any interest, the appearance of parasitic gaps in domains relatively inaccessible to ordinary extraction does not readily tolerate the levels of acceptability from fairly high (eg (99a)) to virtual gibberish (eg (98d)). We will bring evidence in favor of the following thesis: the theory of syntactic features developed earlier does not affect the structure of a stipulation to place the constructions into these various categories. To characterize a linguistic level L, the earlier discussion of deviance is unspecified with respect to non-distinctness in the sense of distinctive feature theory. On the other hand, the notion of level of grammaticality is not quite equivalent to an abstract underlying order.
What do I believe in? Not much that isn’t explained by logic and scientific experiment. And, you better believe, I want to see the logic and the laboratory equipment.
–P.J. O’Rourke–
Mairzy doats and dozey doats and little lamziedivy, a kidelydivy too, wouldn’t you?
He weathered a firestorm of agony and did not break.
And while Yori raged against his unbending
courage, we took Kyuden Hiruma back.
His loss is great, but so is the gift his suffering brought.
-Yakamo’s Funeral
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Sake, it is incredibly important you do not press the red button while inside the whale. This button will cause Operation Pink Bunny to go into effect. A team of highly trained rabits will erase the 22nd Amendment from the Constitution and every where it was every written. It will allow Clinton to run for a 3rd term. If you have already pressed the red button we are all doomed.
Around the house, I never lift a finger/
As a husband and father I’m sub-par/ I’d rather drink a beer/ than win Father of the Year/ I’m happy with things the way they are. -Homer Simpson (Epsiode 3G03)