Serious Q involving foster kids

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I have a really odd/messy situation going on in my life with a variety of moral and potential legal implications.

I was dating a woman a few years back, who eventually turned out to be a giant nightmare, but I had a great relationship with her kids. I am of the impression part of why her kids liked me was that I tended to soften some of her more inappropriate parenting behaviors. We eventually broke up anyway.

Kids:
A. girl 16
B. girl 14
C. Boy 10

Fast forward 2 years and change.

Mom is currently a guest of the county awaiting trial and will most likely be doing some time (like couple years).

Girl A is now living with a boyfriend
Girl B is now in foster care
Boy C is with Grandmother

Grandma apparently did not have the space to house a second child thus took the youngest.

So, begging the question, what does this have to do with me?

Girl B called me a few weeks after landing in foster care.

She was always my favorite, smart little nerdy girl. Gets good grades, sews or heavily modifies a lot of her own clothes. Very into the who sci-fi, cosplay, renfaire, maker movement, and is decent sketch artisit. I kinda loved her to death when I was around. If I could have constructed my own daughter from scratch I would have built something like her. I originally met the kids when she was about 8, me and her mother had some mutual friends.

So in a nutshell she wants to be able to hang out with and do stuff with me because I am heavily immersed in several activities she likes alot and I was always good/supportive to her.

The challenge:

Shes a foster kid placed in a home.

She is not connected to me in any legal way beyond dating her mother.

I have already had a couple aquaintances block me on FB and or “go dark” not answering phone calls or texts after some variation on a “I must be trying to screw a 16 year old” accusation/argument.

Her social worker: Seems to give the impression that she sees me as a criminal mastermind who is obviously up to no good if only she could figure out the details of my elaborate evil plot. I actually have 2 long term friends who work in the office with her, one of whom got me started on background check paperwork and such for being a kind of “foster respite caregiver” which would get me authorized in the eyes of the county to be able to take her places and do some stuff with her with their blessing.

Her bio-mom would probably shit a Frisbee if she found out about this even it was a great thing overall as shes just that kinda nutty. She would probably be prone to inventing stories to rain on our parade if she thought she could. Girl B continued trying to stay in contact with me via FB until her mom told me to discontinue contact with her. Didnt think directly defying mom had any kind of good outcome attached to it, I stopped. Under the circumstances, I think moms wishes are a little less of an issue.

The pluses:

She is 16 and has a certain amount of autonomy. I have met up with her in person a few times. Always in public, took her out to lunch, we caught up a bit, took her shopping for a few things her foster parents are unwilling/unable to provide (some fancy shampoo she likes, couple things like that).

I am probably the closest thing to family she has right now.

We probably swap a dozen text messages a day.

She seems to trust me and confide in me, I have a feeling I know alot more of what is going on in her life than her foster parents or her social worker.

Social worker is aware that girl and I have met up in person recently and seems suspicious but did not make any point out of saying that I should stop doing so.

When we have met up, we have all kinds of fun, we laugh, we have deep conversations, its like I have the perfect daughter.

The questions:

I think my friends who have “gone dark” are overreacting. I have a daughter of my own a few years older than Kid B, and once upon a time married into a teenage step daughter. I am aware any accusations of impropriety could be a legal nightmare, but I do not think that is going to be an issue.I am not a total rookie in the “Dad to a teenage daughter” department. Am I really taking a swan dive into shark infested waters here?

Am I really incurring any meaningful legal implications to “off the books” visitation with her?

Does CPS/Foster services really have any right to stop her or I from choosing to meet up so long as there is no evidence of anything inappropriate? Even if it seems to generally be to her benefit?

Short of hiring an attorney over something that will legally resolve itself in less than 2 years (her 18th bday). What are my rights, what are her rights? Anyone familiar with this kind of situation? I don’t want to poke the sleeping bear here at the same time, I dont want Kid B to Suffer needlessly over time, attention, and a few little bits of material support I can provide.

2

I have no idea about legalities, but thank you for trying to be a positive role model to a girl in a a tough place.

3

Trying to be an adult male companion of any kind to children has become something between a nightmare and an impossibility. Since men have no genuine love of children or nurturing instincts, any interest in any child except maybe their own must be to some warped end.

Sick of it. I haven’t even held a baby since my now-high schoolers were little. Good thing I have six kids and helped raise two or three others.

You are going to have to watch your step very, very carefully so that, say, a genuine hug of appreciation isn’t reported as you mauling her. And I’m so sorry for both of you - I know muddy, messy situations like this where the kids just seem to lose at every turn. Not to mention involved adults.

4

IANAL, but it doesn’t seem to me as if you have any rights, and unless she can she that something is terribly wrong with her foster home, she isn’t in much of a position to effect change, either. Is there any way you can become a “godfather” to her, and maybe help sponsor her in the foster home she now resides in? This might make you look good to the system you are trying to change, and it would certainly help her for the next two years.

5

This is kinda what I am trying to do, there is a mechanism for it, but it is apparently rarely used. Still feels like a bureaucratic nightmare. The only reason I got the background check done was because of one of my friends who works there in the same rank/position as Girl B’s case worker. (who is unfortunately not her case worker). Girl B’s case worker never responded to my initial requests at all. Once my background check passed, my friend told me to call in 1 more time and friend went over to Girl B’s caseworker and said “Hey, did you get a message from Drachillix” which seemed to get the ball rolling…slowly.

6

Just counting my blessings that I grew up in that brief time when people thought it was OK for men to be around children. From about 1967-1983, which happened to be when I was born until I turned 16 (and the Satanic Panic started), people thought it was great when both men and women were nurturing and wanted to be around children, and no one thought it was crazy if a man liked being around kids.

I remember several adult men in my life when I was growing up who were kind to me: a religious school teacher, a rabbi, a junior high school teacher, a student of my father’s who babysat us occasionally, and a friend of a friend of my parents who rode the subway home with me and walked me to my door so I could go to Coin Club meetings when I was a coin collector as a kid. He did it totally out of kindness, and maybe because he had a daughter of his own (who was about three), but it probably took him an hour out of his way.

If I’d been born ten years earlier, or ten years later, social protocol, or moral panic would have prevented a lot of kind people from being in my life.

I hope the OP pursues this, and it works out OK. Sometimes even kids in good foster homes are hurting for attention, and she’s reaching out. This could make a very good difference in her life.

I wish I had the perfect advice, but I don’t, other than be persistent and patient. Government wheels turn slowly, and need lots of oil.

7

No advice, just to thank you for being there for this girl in her time of greatest need. I’m infuriated you’re being viewed suspiciously just for trying to be a support to her.

8

Sounds to me like the kid’s worth it.

9

I was in a situation for two years that had some similarities to yours, with a girl who was ten. Her mom let me take her with me on overnight or weeklong trips, just the two of us. Now, 25 years later, she considers me to the only father she ever had, we’re still friends, and I’m glad I could be that to her. I know how you feel, but society doesn’t. To hell with them, do what you have to do.

10

Part of my discussion with her caseworker was that things like this are NEVER to happen. I have not met her actual foster family They might be a little more flexible. One of the things I do that she really wants to do is a comicon which the closest ones of any scale are 4 or 6 hour drives away making an overnight almost mandatory.

11

Why not invite another member of the family to come along as a chaperone?

12

I hope I’m not double posting; tapatalk seems to have eaten my post…

On the other hand:

You say you’re “exchanging maybe a dozen texts a day” with her? Nobody else thinks that’s a lot?

I’m hearing a lot of self-justification amid warnings of inappropriateness from people who know you.

13

How local is Girl A, and do you have contact w/ her?

14

You need to back out of this as quickly as you reasonably can. All someone has to say is that you touched/looked/said something inappropriate and you’re in a world of trouble. A dozen texts a day, meeting for lunch, and discussing overnight trips 6 hours away? That looks very bad and you’re going to be assumed to be guilty right off the bat. Go over those past texts and read them as if you were were a judge. Can anything be misconstrued as flirting or inappropriate? If crazy mom starts mentioning statutory rape, you can quickly lose your job and friends even if it eventually blows over.

It is not common for 16-year-olds to be like this with adults. Maybe in some rare cases they have good relationships with close relatives, but hanging out with adults and having deep conversations is not typical. This sounds more like flirting. It’s probably not on your end, but you never really know what she’s thinking.

15

Directly No, but Girl A has been present at one of our meets, she has no problem with any of this.

16

Then why not simply split the difference and include both daughters and maybe the BF or another family; what I’m saying is to ACT like family and it will be easier all around for you to be considered family. If you were the familial uncle of Girl B, only making an effort to hang out w/ her would draw attention anyway; but if you want to be a family’s support, support the accessible members of the family. If that means less chances to see Girl B due to her other family not being available as well, that’s the trade-off for being considered family. Once she’s 18, it’s moot. That’s a relatively short time, comparatively.

If you’re not interested to be a support to her whole family (be it emotional or otherwise), then I’d take a hard look at why not.

There’s a good chance you could be the glue that helps this family make it through the mom’s incarceration and the kids’ being split up; but not if your sole interest is in helping Girl B.

17

Crazy mom is in jail, no worries about “crossing paths”. Kids are part of the reason she is in jail (abuse/neglect related, and not her first arrest in that area) Girl B would be notified if she was released. Nothing flirty or that could be construed as innuendo. I’m self employed, so it would take a very newsworthy case to effect my employment. The comicon thing is something she asked about, I have pretty much told her is not going to happen without some kind of “official permission” that I doubt would be forthcoming. As far as volume of texts…shes 16, I am pretty sure I am the person she texts the least. If my daughter or stepdaughter are valid comparisons 100+/day is not unusual.

She supposedly has a guy she is a little crushy about at school, she asks my opinion about things he says/does. Deep conversations mostly revolved around atheism and or non belief. She is not big on religion (neither am I), I have encouraged her to explore this further, her family has never been very religious so no real conflict there.

18

Not at all. Most texts aren’t long and drawn out, but are one or two sentences at the most. Twelve texts is probably under a minute of actual conversation.

Good luck, Drachilix.

19

I have pondered that possibility and am totally willing to go that route. Girl A is similarly happy about me being around, but is a little less available. Job, BF, etc. I have about 8 years of history with the family to various degrees and when I was with her mom we did lots of things “as a family” so its nothing new or exotic, just minus mom.

20

Are you prepared for the day you realize her attachment to you extends beyond what you initially imagined?

16yr old girls from unstable homes, lacking father figures, often develop feelings for any man in their life who respresents stability. Also, sometimes these girls have internalized that the path to what they want/think they want, lies in their sexuality.

Are you prepared for her accusing you of sexual misconduct should you reject any advances? Because sometimes 16yr old girls from unstable homes lash out unreasonably when their imagined ‘salvation’ becomes a bust.

Please tell me you’ve considered these scenarios at least! If not, you’re not in any way ready for what you’re about to dive into.

Tread VERY carefully, and Good Luck!