Just need a way to get stuff off my chest

Or why parenting is sometimes heart-wrenchingly shitty.

Fuck me. Fuck me and the goat I rode in on. Fucking God Damn I feel like a Piece of Shit.
um maybe this needs to be in the pit just for the lingo
I’ve been in close communication with the Fosterling and His Mom this week. He’s 15 now, this past December. Tensions at Casa-Ex are higher than normal. (Teenage boy with ADD/ADHD<can’t keep them straight in my head>, single mom) It seems the boy let his pickle get him in a pickle and talk of criminal charges is being bandied about.

Do I believe he’s innocent? No, I don’t, my son is not an angelic snowflake.

I digress from my original thought chain.

Mom and I briefly considered the idea of having him move in with me for the rest of the school year. Give Mom a break, get him physically away from something I’m somewhat certain isn’t going to go or end well for him etc.
I was somewhat open, to discussing the idea at least, to begin. The more we talked about it though, the more I realized he would just be doing the same shit here, with a fresh unsuspecting group of people.

I got enough drama in my life with Vaderling et al. I don’t need or want Fosterlings crap in my nest as well(anymore than it is already)

12 years ago there was a little boy who’s father had abandoned him before he was even born. 12 years ago that little boy asked if he could call me Dad too, just like his older brothers did and that year je gave me his prized Hotwheels Car as a Christmas Gift. I still have it and look at it often. His Mom and I talked it over and we said, “Yes, you can call me Dad.” I made a commitment and took on some level of responsibility for him that day. Today, when he’s feeling very low and that everyone is either against him or abandoning him, I feel like I’ve let him down and ripped his heart out. There are lessons children must learn. Not all children learn the same lessons. Some of those lessons are cruel. Very cruel, and not just to the pupil.

Fuck I feel like shit.

Is this a cute way of saying that he raped someone?

From the way you’re talking, it sounds like he needs to be in a treatment program, where he can learn self control.

No, well, no I don’t beleive it was rape. The town he lives in has a reputation for its teen girls that is less than good.
I can’t say it wasn’t but based on what I know about my son and the reputation of teen girls in this town (remember, I was married to one of them for a while) I’m pretty confident that there was nothing forced. Regardless, forced or not, if charges are pressed, he’s in a real mess.

Oh, Dork. I’m sorry. You had taken a big responsibilty for this lost little soul.
Sometimes all you can do is dole out tough love. Talk to him. Tell him just what you said about your fear he would crap in your nest and your little one would be impacted. He’s 15, he should understand those concerns.
You can only do what you can do.
Can Mom get him in program, like ~VOW suggests?

He does, but medical care in ID isn’t great sometimes, mental health care is abysmal, maybe even worse than abysmal around here. Specially if you don’t have a source of funding

Wow Dork. Sending you mental hugs because this is very, very tough.

A word of caution. You are talking about the reputation of all girls in the town. This is insanely unfair. I know because I’m a girl that got talked about and didn’t learn for 30 years which lying bastards were talking about me (and they were, indeed, lies). So be cautious. It is just as possible that either, or both children were culprits. That said, they are still children and your fosterling has issues focusing in addition to all the issues that raging hormones bring about. Sit down with him and explain why you are concerned about taking him in. Point out to him that the music must be faced and that it must be faced with honesty. If he didn’t do anything, he should say. If he did something, he should say what he did. If his story is different from hers, was it him not listening? A misunderstanding of what she said she wanted? Or did she say one thing and do another?

Being a teenager sucks. It is hard enough to communicate accurately as an adult. But as a teen, I remember thinking I was being brave by standing next to a guy and him not even noticing me because I didn’t speak or another guy assuming he was going to get (unprotected) sex when I thought we were just going to kiss (we hadn’t discussed it beforehand).

So be careful. Tell him you love him no matter what, really no matter what. He needs to hear it. Give him a hug and encourage him to talk, or even write what happened without guesses as to what she was thinking or what she meant by what she said or by what he meant by what he said but not to post it anywhere. It may help him to be clear on what went down and may help if there is legal action. And yes, his mom may want to find some legal advice.

Is he still in the foster care system?

Rather than taking anecdotal evidence of the availability of treatment programs, you will need to do actual research. Find out what kind of coverage your insurance has. Warning: mental health coverage is ABYSMAL.

It doesn’t matter what the reputation of the girl is: this may be something that will end up in the juvenile court. And as depressing as it sounds, the best help may be through the court. Find out what programs are available, and a court-appointed attorney can petition the court for placement. Then the State picks up the tab.

Has he been evaluated for learning disabilities? ADD is often connected to a plethora of other problems.

You’re saying that because some teen girls in the town have a bad reputation it’s all right to rape one at random? Because that’s what you seem to be saying. You were married to a person from this town and this somehow gives you an insight into what this girl you have never met might or might not have done or said?

Based on what I’m hearing date rape is the likeliest explanation. But don’t worry, just drag the girls reputation through the sewer and taint her with the behavior of the rest of the sluts and I’m sure he’ll do fine.

Yeah, and OP implied if his son moved in with him, it may just happen with the girls near him too.

Kid is on a very bad path and its not going to end well.

Wow. “The girls in that town are all sluts. No way could one of them have been raped.”

So does OP have legal obligations to this kid?

You hardly sound objective.

Like others have hinted at, there’s not a lot to say about this statement outside the Pit other than it’s so very, very wrong.

I hope your foster son gets the justice he truly deserves, whichever way that goes.

A prostitute who’s had sex with thousands of men can get raped.

A wife who’s had consensual sex with her husband thousands of times can get raped by him.

A girl with “a bad reputation” can get raped.
Even if the majority of teenage girls in that town really have more sex than you personally approve of that doesn’t mean that every girl in that town does. Many probably do not wish to have sex at all at this point in their lives.

The notion that there are some girls who are okay to rape is so abhorrent that I…Don’t even know how to express it.
You know, I often think that people throw around the the term “rape culture” a little too freely, but THIS is a shining example of rape culture.

DorkVader- since you think that sometimes rape is pretty much ok, it’s likely that you passed that misconception along to your son.

I gotta say, DorkVader, your OP seems written from the perspective of *you *being the victim here.

Not a good look.

Seriously. I’m seeing so many people say “Oh you poor man, this must be absolutely horrible for you!” and I’m sure it is. But it’s all about him, how’s he’s a victim, his foster son is a victim, and that slutty girl? Not a victim, she’s a slut.

I have a friend who went through something similar with her son. I have so much compassion and sympathy for her, the single mother who did her damnedest to raise a son to be respectful of all people, to be kind, to recognize personal boundaries, everything you’d want a mother to teach her son about living in society as a good human. When her adult son was arrested and jailed for criminal sexual conduct she didn’t defend him or say his victim deserved it; she showed compassion for the teenage victim and showed her son tough love. She didn’t stop loving him, she never stopped worrying or caring, and she never, ever tried to defend his actions. Know why? Because raping someone is indefensible.

She did, however, help him with getting an attorney. No matter what crime a person has committed, everyone deserves a fair trial.

I think your wider point (and the similar sentiments expressed by others) are well made, but it seems to me that to accuse the OP of thinking rape is OK is going a step too far. Clearly, there are concerns here, but he didn’t say that. He said he didn’t believe that the incident that took place involved “Fosterling” forcing themselves on a girl. In other words (I assume), he surmises some sort of consensual sexual activity took place. And (we can assume from the known facts) at least one of the participants is now unhappy about this and has raised a complaint. It may well be that due to her age, this is classed as (statutory?) rape. Our culture, and the law, recognises that many crimes, rape included, have different degrees of severity. That is not to say that what happened was OK, and the OP did not say that.

For the record, let me state that my view is that rape of any kind is never OK, nor is assuming things about individual incidents based on general experience/prejudices.


If a 15 year old has sex with a 15 year old, is that rape? Who raped who? How about a 15 YO with a 14 YO? Perhaps they are in the same class in school? Is the older participant always guilty, or is the male participant always guilty? If they were both willing participants, is that rape at all?

Agreed, The Dork didn’t do himself any favors by mentioning the reputation of the teen girls in town, but perhaps that is true (perhaps not, too). Regardless, does that even matter if nobody forced anyone to do anything against their will?

Now, if The Fosterling forced himself on the girl thinking she is just a slut and nobody is going to care, then, hell yes, throw the book at him. However, if it was consentual on both parts, ruining the boy’s life is really a bit unfair.

It would not surprise me, knowing how 15 year olds behave, that everything was consentual and where the whole thing went sour was that the girl’s parents found out. Believing that their little darling would never consent to such a thing, and even if she did, she’s underage and that’s rape! RAPE. Call the cops, throw the bastard in jail. This sort of thing would happen in my High School (40 years ago) from time to time. The kids seem to know more about what was going on than the adults as the two involved were usually involved in a relationship (which such accusations would put a quick end to). Funny thing, we never heard of instances of forcible rape. While I am sure that happened, people didn’t talk about it. In every case I heard about as a teen-ager, the girl eventually admitted it wasn’t forcible and the instance blew over (the assumptions made by the kids was they had to make sure the girl wasn’t pregnant, first).

Now, we don’t know if this is the case, here, or not. If The Dork doesn’t want elaborate, either because he isn’t sure himself or he feels it isn’t any of our business, that’s his choice (although he did say that he didn’t believe it was forcible). He still has to deal with the situation, which is obviously hard oh him.

Or,maybe he got a 12 year old drunk and raped her. Why hunt for some special circumstances where the kid did nothing wrong? I doubt many would be seriously tossing around criminal charges talk if a 15 year old simply had sex with a 14 year old.

You might be right. But, you might be wrong. I guess there’s a 50:50 chance…

As for throwing around criminal charges, parents [del]of a young girl[/del] often do not act rationally when their children are involved. As I said (in the post you quoted), accusations of rape and criminal charges was not unheard of in cases of consentual sex between teens when I was that age. It wasn’t common, but it happened. A particular instance I remember the girl confided in me on Friday that she and her boyfriend were gong to “do it” that weekend (I was not involved). Come Tuesday, the school was abuzz with the news that “James” was in trouble for Statutory Rape. There were other, similar instances during my High School Career, but that one sticks because I knew it was a bunch of BS.

But, as I also said, we don’t know. You are perfectly within your rights to assume the worst from people if that helps you get through the day. I find it easier on my soul to assume the best until there is evidence to the contrary. With complete lack of any evidence, however, I prefer to think it is much more likely that this is a case of “teenagers will be teenagers” and “parents freak-out when they find out their snowflakes make (what they feel are) bad decisions” than a conspiracy involving adults supplying alcohol to teenagers for nefarious reasons.