I’m duly impressed with your ability to not think the worst of people. :golf clap:
Did he get a minor pregnant?
IOW in your mind there’s rape, and there’s RAPE! You don’t think he beat her up, or tied her down, but you do think what he did may meet the legal definition of rape, if only due to something like the differences in their ages. Given the attitude expressed in your second post - and your implied assessment of his foster-mother’s morals - I think it’s unlikely that this poor boy has been taught strict rules of active consent.
He needs help, and I doubt that either of you can provide it, or you would already have done so. The best thing you can do is provide as much assistance as possible in researching and advocating for good legal and mental health support. If he’s still in the foster-care system then be there to interview the people assigned to him and make sure they are on his side.
To the extent possible, add your own financial assistance, but don’t imagine this will be enough. You could pour tens of thousands into this and it wouldn’t be enough. What he needs from you is effort on his behalf with the powers that be.
What happened, exactly?
FTR, ADHD is the preferred term currently, even though not all people with ADHD have the hyperactivity component, which is what the H stands for. It’s now subdivided into primarily hyperactive, primarily inattentive, and mixed.
Dork - my advice to you is this: you agreed to stand as this boy’s father years and years ago. Please don’t stop now because it’s inconvenient. That isn’t how parenting works. Take some deep breaths, talk to friends, do some reflection and figure out what the best options are for your son. Is he facing criminal charges? He needs an attorney. Is he acting out and behaving poorly? He needs counseling. A change of location might be warranted, but talking it over with his counselor seems like an important step.
You’ve got some big things going on in your life already. I know this is inconvenient. Parenting is difficult, but you signed up for it. Please don’t let your son down.
Sunny Daze is, as usual, on point. I don’t have much to add except one thing:
In your desire to protect your son, it’s gonna be real easy to see the family thinking about pressing charges, including their daughter, as an adversary. It’s gonna be real tempting to displace your anger and frustration and helplessness onto them. That’s an understandable reaction.
But you can’t do it. That would be a terrible thing to do to this kid, and it would be a terrible model for your son.
Those parents don’t think of their daughter as a girl with a “less than good” reputation. They love her as you love your son. She doesn’t think of herself that way–at least, I dearly hope she doesn’t.
It’s possible we’re misunderstanding the situation, that this was a consensual encounter between two children and her parents are no-sex-before-marriage folks who would rather press charges than admit that their daughter had a consensual encounter. It could be something like that. I dunno.
But the reputation of girls in the town has nothing to do with it, and if you let yourself think that way, you’re going to contribute to a pretty harmful culture for her and for your son both.