Serious question, need serious advice (SO's father has cancer)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Just a few minutes ago, I found out that my SO’s father had cancer. Multiple myeloma, which is incurable and carries a life expectancy of 3-5 years.

I know that he and his family are the ones who are suffering the most–but, Lord… My first serious boyfriend (from ages 18 to 20)… his father had cancer (leukemia). The cancer made the relationship a living hell–the suffering passed through my boyfriend, and then onto me… Even though I wanted to break up with him, I still loved him and I delayed breaking up with him because, well, what kind of person would I be if I left someone ini the time of his most need?

That time was a gloomy time for our relationship. I had to sit with him in the hospital room waiting for word on his father when it looked like his father was going to die. It was very, very hard. His father eventually got better, after an year after his bone marrow transplant, towards the end of the relationship (we started dating seriously, his dad’s cancer was discovered soon after). I finally broke up with him soon after.

However… staying with a relationship that was pure hell… (not because he treated me in a mean way, but because… you know… it’s not HAPPY… I was 18-20… and I was the sole support of a boy who was bearing the burdens of a dying father…)

But, given that… I really, really don’t want to go through all this hell again. I love my boyfriend very much… but I can see that this is going to put a very gloomy clamp on our happy relationship for 2-4 years. If this happened to my husband, of course I wouldn’t leave my spouse–but this isn’t my spouse, this is my serious boyfriend.

We both have good jobs and good careers. We had been discussing the possibility of a future together. But, god… I don’t want to go through this torture again… My boyfriend got in a blue flunk over making a B in an advanced calculus class. He’s going to be counting on me for his emotional support. I can’t imagine shouldering those burdens, again, when my life is in such a full swing otherwise.

As cruel as it sounds… do you think I would be justified in looking for someone else for my own happiness? Or am I a mean selfish bitch for even thinking that? In any case, do you have any advice? I don’t know where else to turn… .

2

IMHO, your “Other” isn’t very “Significant” if you aren’t willing to go through the good times as well as the bad.

I wouldn’t think of telling or advising you what to do. There are several things you should ask yourself, though. What would you expect of him if the roles were reversed? When you were talking about a future together, what kind of future did you think it would be? What do you expect a relationship to consist of?

If you break up with him, and find someone else that is happier, what will you do if tragedy enters that person’s life, too? Have you thought about the fact that problems, tragedies and misfortunes are going to continue to happen not only in the lives of those you associate with, but in your own? Is it fair to get involved in a relationship with someone if you don’t want to share his difficulties? How deep is your emotional involvement with him and his with you?

Do you have a pattern of getting into relationships with people who depend on you for emotional support, or is this just a coincidence? Do you have other people that you turn to for emotional support? Is your boyfriend one of them?

I’d suggest not answering these questions to anyone but yourself right now, certainly not until you’ve had a chance to think about things like this for a while.

3

MLS, the questions you ask are perfectly valid. I wouldn’t even be questioning my intent of staying with him if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve gone through this before. However, I did go through this before.

If the roles were reversed, I would break up with him, no ifs or buts, to spare the suffering of the relationship. I’m 22. This whole process will take, in my estimation, a few years as his father slowly dies, and then a while after he dies.

I also would not expect my boyfriend (or anyone else) to stay with me if I fell into a coma and was not expected to wake up for a few years. I would want him to go out and seek his own happiness, with another woman. Marriage is different–you share a lot more in a marriage than love.

To illustrate this more clearly… Marrying into a relationship so marred by this much emotional trouble is like marrying someone with very large college debts, IMHO. If you’re already married, you support each other through the good times and the bad times.

But if you’re not, well, it’s just not a good leg to start off on–if you’re unhappy, if everything’s gloomy, burdened with so many worries, et cetera.

Then again, I could be just pulling this all out of my butt (and probably am).

You are right in asking all the questions you ask. I’ll certainly think about what you say.

As for the codependency question, lightining struck twice in the same place. That’s all there is to it.

4

If this happened to my husband, of course I wouldn’t leave my spouse–but this isn’t my spouse, this is my serious boyfriend.

Thing is, though, serious boyfriends turn into spouses. So if you won’t do it for a serious boyfriend, chances are you won’t do it for a spouse, either.

As cruel as it sounds… do you think I would be justified in looking for someone else for my own happiness? Or am I a mean selfish bitch for even thinking that? In any case, do you have any advice? I don’t know where else to turn.

My advice? You don’t REALLY love this guy, you love him when all is going well. You’re not in this for better or worse and by all means you shouldn’t marry him – so why stay with a “serious boyfriend” when you know that this relationship isn’t going anywhere? Break up with him for his sake (but don’t tell him the real reason), so he can find a woman who WILL stick with him through thick and thin. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone just because that someone feels sorry for them.

You may protest my insistence that you don’t really love this guy, and maybe you’d be right. Love is hard to define and I don’t know you or your heart. However, considering you’re looking for a way out literally minutes after finding out your boyfriend’s dad has cancer because you don’t want to deal with it … well, what does that say about your commitment to him?

5

SnoopyFan, instead of defending my love for him and all that, let me clarify my situation further. Our relationship is a long distance one (from college–I’m in graduate school, he’s working). We have no, nada, long-term commitments together. He told me that he won’t leave his $HOMETOWN for the next few years.

If I choose to stay, I’m in essence giving up all plans for my future (the foremost of which is a doctorate) to come home to a gloomy house in his $HOMETOWN, or computer, for the next few years.

If I were in your boots, I’d be thinking the exact same things as you did, and I don’t blame you. Before, he was thinking joining the Air Force, and I had all kinds of lofty dreams about getting my doctorate, then doing research work or teaching at a deaf school.

All we have right now is love (putting aside the question of whether I love him or not), not commitment. However, your feedback is appreciated, and I’ll certainly think about it.

6

I will cut you some slack on the matter of thinking of breaking up the moment after you got the news–particularly considering your history.

However, I will echo some of the other thoughts.

In the first instance, you, an adolescent, were with an adolescent who probably had a lot of normal late teen issues to which this was an additional burden. Now you are seeing an adult (if a young one) and you really do not know how he will handle the situation. My father went through a prolonged period of dying and my memory is that my siblings and I dealt with it without breaking down or spilling our needs onto friends or family. (This is no criticism of people who seek more support; the point is that each person needs different amounts of support.) A known and predicted death does not have to be a time of persistent gloom. There are certainly moments pain, sorrow, anger, and frustration, but many people manage to come to some sort of rapprochement with the event and continue to lead fulfilled lives–including periods of happiness, frivolity, and even joy.

Rather than simply cutting and running, it might be a good idea to find out how your boyfriend will handle the situation.

I would also question both the amount of love that currently exists (it sounds more like attraction than love). However, that is for you to determine.

Beyond that, I would also suggest that you might want to take some time (with or without professional assistance) to come to grips with your own responses to death–imminent or delayed. It might be true that your feelings of duty might carry you through a period of grieving with a spouse, but some of your comments suggest to me (who has no training in such matters) that you might be putting more reliance on what duty would encourage you to do than you might find the strength to actually do in a situation.

I have no condemnation for your expressed thoughts or intentions; you seem to be simply takling aloud at this point. However, you asked for advice and this has been mine (worth every penny you paid for it).

7

I will cut you some slack on the matter of thinking of breaking up the moment after you got the news–particularly considering your history.

However, I will echo some of the other thoughts.

In the first instance, you, an adolescent, were with an adolescent who probably had a lot of normal late teen issues to which this was an additional burden. Now you are seeing an adult (if a young one) and you really do not know how he will handle the situation. My father went through a prolonged period of dying and my memory is that my siblings and I dealt with it without breaking down or spilling our needs onto friends or family. (This is no criticism of people who seek more support; the point is that each person needs different amounts of support.) A known and predicted death does not have to be a time of persistent gloom. There are certainly moments pain, sorrow, anger, and frustration, but many people manage to come to some sort of rapprochement with the event and continue to lead fulfilled lives–including periods of happiness, frivolity, and even joy.

Rather than simply cutting and running, it might be a good idea to find out how your boyfriend will handle the situation.

I would also question both the amount of love that currently exists (it sounds more like attraction than love). However, that is for you to determine.

Beyond that, I would also suggest that you might want to take some time (with or without professional assistance) to come to grips with your own responses to death–imminent or delayed. It might be true that your feelings of duty might carry you through a period of grieving with a spouse, but some of your comments suggest to me (who has no training in such matters) that you might be putting more reliance on what duty would encourage you to do than you might find the strength to actually do in a situation.

I have no condemnation for your expressed thoughts or intentions; you seem to be simply takling aloud at this point. However, you asked for advice and this has been mine (worth every penny you paid for it).

8

Look, it isnt like his dad is going to die anytime soon. Three to 5 years is a long time and there may be some relief along the way. You have a long distance relationship and it doesnt look like its going to be a repeat of your last relationship.

My suggestion is this: Have a long talk with him. Let him know the pain you went thru and how you really feel. Let him know that you dont think you can handle a repeat of the suffering you went thru. Ask him if this presents a problem with the relationship and if it does then maybe you should separate in the meantime. Pick up again if you both feel like it later. Give yourself a break from each other now.

If this person is spouse material, your separation will let you know for sure. If you miss him more than dread what is about to happen, then stick with him for better or worse. If you feel relieved of a great burden then move on.

9

I would just like to say that Tom is smart, and it’s wise that the proverbial hamsters doubleposted for him, because it’s worth re-reading.

10

First, listen to [Tomndeb’s** excellent advise.

I really disagree with this, and think it is a very callous thing to say. There’s nothing wrong, nothing against the rules, about not loving someone, or not loving someone enough, or not loving someone enough yet. The difference between a SO and a spouse is the same as the difference between a good friend and family. There are lots and lots and lots of things I would do for my family that I wouldn’t do for my friends. Does this mean that I don’t really love my friends, that I deserve insinuations that I am a selfish person, that because I woudn’t give my life savings to my favorite co-worker, I wouldn’t give it to my mom?

At some point in some (but not all) relationships, the couple make the leap from thinking of each other as “friends” to thinking of each other as “family”. That’s when the marriage starts, as far as I can see, not whenever/if ever the ceremony is held. This relationship is not at that point. It may or may not every be, and either outcome is OK–that’s the whole point of a relationship, to discover if you want someone to move from “family” to “friend”.

My husband has an irreversable degenerative bone disorder. When we first met and were moving towards “couplehood”, I asked him flat out if his life expectancy was dramatically shortened. He told me it wasn’t, and my independent research conformed that. If it had been dramatically shortened–if he only had ten or fifteen years to live–I would have run like hell and never given myself the chance to fall in love with him. And there would have been nothing wrong with that choice.

11

Hell, I don’t think this is such a horrible question. Contrary to what most people are saying on this thread, I do think there’s a difference between a “serious boyfriend” and a spouse. From what dre2xl says, I don’t even think a lot of us would use the same words to describe the relationship - I know that I wouldn’t call a long distance relationship with no long term commitment a “serious boyfriend.” However, semantics aside, given the situation I think dre2xl is being fairly mature and responsible by really thinking about the impact this will have on her life. She’s considering her education - maybe even getting a doctorate. She’s got a lot of choices to make in the next few years that will affect the rest of her life. She’s NOT married to this guy, and she has NO COMMITMENT to him. Hell, she doesn’t even live in the same town as he does!

Also, the reaction to end the relationship may rest on more than just the fact that his father has cancer. Perhaps you’ve been unhappy in this relationship for a while, and haven’t had reason to question it. Maybe it’s just time to move on - God knows, people enter and exit relationships in their college years for a lot worse reasons than the ones you’ve stated. Maybe it’s just time to concentrate on college and not on a relationship.

I say do what you want to do, and don’t worry too much about it. There will be plenty of times in your life where you ARE in deep, serious relationships where you have to stick by through thick and thin - no sense making one that isn’t that way into one just because you feel it’s the right thing to do.

Another thought - what if dre2xl had worded it like:

“I’m in grad school, and my long-distance boyfriend’s father has been diagnosed with cancer. I’ve tried to be supportive and stick by him, but I’ve found that the emotional drain is just too much. I can’t concentrate on my studies, and my schoolwork is suffering. There are other issues in the relationship - he doesn’t want to leave his hometown, and I don’t want to move back - that have previously precluded us from making any long term commitments. We love each other, but the stress is getting to be too much! Would it be horrible for me to end the relationship and get my life back on track?”

I think the reaction here would be much different, don’t you?

12

This tells me more about you, than your quandry about his current troubles/hard times he is about to face alone.

I dont think you are mature enough, to consider being in a relationship with anyone, let alone marraige to anyone in the foreseeable future.

The simple answer to your question is definitely YES!!!, break up with him, and put an end to the relationship(do him a favor), you should not be in any relationship.

Life is full of good times and bad, and love( or being in a relationship) has nothing to do with either.

Marraige/relationships is not about just sex and good times, it is a tool, a facility, for humans to better get by/thru tough times together, to share, and to assist one another with.

No offense intended, and nothing personal, but I would not want someone like you by my side when the sky’s get cloudy.

You have a talent/calling/inclination for being a “fair weather friend”, accept what you are. Go out to the bar, ge a “good times girl”, and have fun with someone else. You are not “cruel”, and what you want is to be “happy”, go for what you want, and leave this guy alone.

13

Susann, this makes no sense. You’re saying that you shouldn’t get in a relationship with a person until you are ready, willing, and able ot make a marriage-level commitment to that person. But how can you decide if you are willing to make a marriage level commitment to a person if you don’t get into a relationship with them first? If, on our first date, my husband had asked me to donate a kidney to him, I would have said no. Does that mean that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with him, or anybody?

We can’t have the same level of commitment to everyone in our lives: we are finite creatures, with only so much time, money, love, and support to give. What marriage means is that you have declared someone your priority when deciding where to spend your resources. Marriage wouldn’t mean a thing if everyone we had a relationship with was entitled to the same amout of time, love, money, and support as our families (including our spouses).

14

Thank you all–everyone’s input and advice is very much appreciated. I’m open to criticism. I wrote the post while I was in hysterics and deep shock… while of course I felt awful he was going to suffering, I was just like, “Damn, not again! What are the @#$# odds of this happening again?”

Athena–you are right, I should have worded it more carefully.
Manda JO–Your philosophy and mine regarding marriage is exactly the same. Our relationship has not reached that point yet, as you say. Best wishes to you and your husband.

tomndebb–your advice was the most valuable. I took it to heart, and I called my mom & talked to her. Basically, what she said was the same as you said–she emphasized that it would be much different with my boyfriend for a variety of reasons. What her advice boiled down to was: “You’re overreacting and thinking too much. Don’t break up with him because of this. Take it one day at a time.”

The criticism is welcome, too. Perhaps I don’t love him–only time ever tells. Goodness knows that “feeling in love” certainly feels like true love, but rarely is.

So I’m going to see how things go and I won’t break up with him because of this cancer. Thanks all.

15

It makes perfect sense, to me anyway. Its a mindset.

I would stick with my mailman if it was him!!

I would stick with my preacher if it was with him, I would stick with my best friend, my casual friend, my doorman, my gunsmith, my farrier, my vetinarian, my co-worker, or my niece.

Whoever I know, am friends with, work with, or care for in any way,… whatever bad times/hardships, or cancer, will not change “the relationship” we have, whatever that relationship may be.

I dont necessarily limit it to marraige , or a SO.

A husband will stay my husband, a SO will stay my SO, a farrier will stay my farrier, etc.

Yeah, you can get by life by deserting your friends in time of need, but if you dont have this “mindset”, then you are not ready to think about marraige to anyone for a very long time, IMO.
There is no real harm done when you desert friends, or your doorman. But marraige is different, there will certainly be bad times in any marraige, so it wont last for anyone who is fair weather only, so why get married?

I also dont think anyone should stay with anyone because of what other people might think or say.

I hope none of us nudged you to stay with this guy out of pity, or because WE might think it is the thing to do.

16

Pretty good.

Real good, in fact, better odds than at Las Vegas.

It is almost a sure thing.

Unless all of your husbands, SO’s, boyfriends, friends, etc are tragically cut down young in life and die early, they will ALL!! go thru the pain of seeing their parents die at some time in the future.

You will either die young, or else you will see all of your husbands, SO’s, and friends die before you.

If you abandon friends/people who have loved ones that are dying, you will become known as the person who doesnt go to funerals, who doesnt visit the sick, etc…

I guess another alternative, might be to date an orphan.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but everybody dies.

17

Yeah, sure. Even when he starts charging $45 for a front trim?

18

Not to change the subject, but multiple myeloma isn’t always a death sentence. My grandfather was diagnosed with it more than 10 years ago, and has been cancer-free for 8 years now. He’s 86 years old, and is one crusty sonofagun. So while fighting cancer can be a gruelling thing for the patient as well as those close to him, it doesn’t always have a sad ending.