I forgot it add this to my post but this is exactly what we did. My family has a twisted sense of humor to begin with so it came naturally.
My dad died a few years ago of Parkinson’s, and had a lot of dementia towards the end. Not only was he impotent (which I really wish my mother hadn’t told me), but he got sexually very inappropriate with one of his caretakers, a lovely young woman. Nobody ever took it personally, though; he truly didn’t know what he was doing, and the person he was before his dementia would have been horrified by his behavior as a result of his disease.
It wasn’t you your grandmother was talking to, and I know that if she knew it was you, she never would have said it. Don’t let this stop you from seeing her; the moment when she will recognize you will be all the sweeter for the rest of the craziness.
Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and rationalizations. The whole thing really creeped me out at first, but it also saddened me, and I do think I see the truth that my grandmother is at a stage where she’s not her former self and probably never will be again. This is undoubtedly hurting my mom and her sisters more than me, and I’ll be sure to show my concern towards my mother as well during this tough time.
To answer a few questions: I think of my grandmother as one of the first feminists, although she was a quiet one, generally. She raised my mother and her six sisters throughout the forties through sixties (and early seventies, now that I think about it), and then she decided she wanted to get a college degree, so she started taking classes in social work. She went on to get a masters degree, and then started her own social work clinic. My grandfather was, from his forties on, a cranky man (until he agreed to go on antidepressants in the mid-90s–and his early-80s–much to everyone’s surprise and delight), so she had that to deal with, too.
So, it is indeed sad to see her deteriorate. Thanks again!
-Tofer
p.s. I do find some of her comments hilarious (“You won’t make it to 83,” and “nice teeth,” esp.), and sometimes she does realize that she’s just been very funny, too, so that’s nice.
A good friend’s aunt who has Alzheimer’s has shown some of the same behavior. After the aunt came on to her father at a family get-together, the whole family (parents, siblings, cousins) decided to participate in counseling to help everyone deal with it. She’s a beloved family member (only in her 50’s!) and they want to keep her active in their lives.
They’ve been told that speaking or acting out sexually is very common. It’s not a buried personality trait coming to light, and it doesn’t mean the person has repressed desires for whoever they’re trying to seduce.
I’m glad you’re going to continue to see your grandma. You’re braver than most, I think.
Excellent use of a smiley, enipla.
I don’t know about the exaggerated elements part, I read that it is very common for patients with dementia to act out sexually and I don’t think they have all been keeping it under wraps all this time. Other than that I agree with your post and I think it is a wonderful way to look at it - “There is only the moment.” I agree that the most important part is that if your grandma is happy then it doesn’t really matter what world she is living in. My grandpa flirted with his nurses too, and in the end he mostly wandered in the courtyard with a rake because he thought he was back on the farm. The worst time is when they are aware that their mind is going and it is very sad and confusing for them. It is harder for the family after that, but we took comfort in the fact that he was not unhappy in his final days.
It is a great fear of mine that my father will suffer the same fate, but I try not to think about it now, even though he is himself convinced that he does / will have Alzheimers. This is such a hard disease for the loved ones, it is unlike any other.
Most likely she thought you were someone else, Tofer. Just keep telling yourself that.
I had a neighbor who suffered from dementia. She would talk to me sometimes about various things, like had my cats stolen her purse, was a great flood coming, and sometimes she would mention sexual things. She believed the police were driving by shooting “sex rays” at her (I am not making this up) that made her think “sinful thoughts.” Very weird, but part of the illness.
I’m sorry you had to go through this very uncomfortable thing with Grandma, but I hope it helps to know that it was probably nothing to do with you, her grandson.
Well, the first time you have any involved experience with elderly people suffering dementia it can have weird effects on you.
I’ve had 3-4 people in my life go through this now and so nothing would surprise me. Their minds are shutting down more or less, who they were has become distorted to such a degree that you will only feel the “real” them is around for brief periods of time that decrease in regularity and length the farther along the dementia gets.
You have my sympathies, I was in a similar situation once. I worked at a summer camp for mentally handicapped adults ( back when one wasn’t pilloried for saying "mentally retarded ). One afternoon at the pool, a young lady of about 19 or 20 walked up to me. She was a client (camper) , and wore a perfectly modest one-piece suit. She pulled down one shoulder strap, and kept pulling until her breast was completely exposed and looked at me adoringly and said, " Toons, I love you. "
I was rooted to the spot, and not by erotic elation either. Luckily a female fellow counsellor witnessed this and helped her back into her suit and back into the pool, distracting her sufficiently that the moment passed.
This young lady wasn’t capable of understanding what she had done, and wasn’t aware of her exposure. It distressed me more that she was so unaware, than it did that I’d suddenly come face to…er…face with her body part.
Your gramma is only partially your gramma at this point. I would agree seriously with those who feel that her personality is shredding down to a degree and that she may be highly unaware of who you are moment to moment.
That, coupled with profound lonliness, likely produced the meal you just shared with her. Focus in on who she was, and who she may still be some of the time, and nourish those fragments along. Heartfelt wishes for her to not suffer overly as this progresses.
Cartooniverse