My first (TMI) and Long mpsims
English is not my first language, I am dyslectic and a bit confused
So sorry for all the crimes against your language…
Here goes:
Two months ago after “suffering” a long extended low intensity depression, I decided to seek a chemical solution
Two years ago I visited some mental health professionals, but was unhappy with the bureaucratic system they function by, four different intake sessions with three different persons, and when they finally decided who could help me, I had to wait a month before I could see her, by that time I was feeling a lot better and called the whole thing off. (I like living in a country with a great national health service, but there is a lot of room for improvement.)
This spring my mood changed for the worse, I started to withdraw from my social scene, my work suffered from an inability to concentrate, couldn’t find the energy to do anything useful, I could still put on a positive face when confronted with friends , but I kept feeling like a fraud…
Somehow I met this Girl; let’s call her BellydancerGirl……because she is a belly dancer.(When I get Home I might post a vid), we started dating, I am talking about a girl who looks great, is as sexy as they come, is funny, really likes to watch me play Xbox, a recovering vegetarian who has recently discovered the Joy of Argentinean steaks and is really funny and upbeat. She has her own problems but deals with them in a way that makes me proud to know her.
When we came to the point of deciding if there was a future for us, I felt I had to be honest and tell her that I really liked her, that she was cute, sexy, funny, kind but I didn’t feel in love with her………she accepted this, I think she was disappointed but we decided we really liked hanging out together, and would continue as friends….what weird enough really happened…….we text all the time, eat steaks, play X-box and have lots of fun
This was my first chance at a real relation in almost ten years
The fact I just met a girl who was so right for me in so many levels, and I couldn’t fall in love with her made me really sad, and I slipped deeper into the dark place. She started dating again, and I gave my approval when she started going steady with this other guy.Even though I saw several red flags, I did not force my opinion of him on her, and was actually hoping she would find something real with the other guy…
But it did make realise that I was in a depression again and that I needed to do something! So I visited my doctor and asked for an antidepressant, the Doctor gave me a two week prescription for something called Seroquel, I made a conscious decision not to overwiki the medication and just let the medicine do its work, without me overanalysing every little bit of it
Well the medicine had a direct effect, I have always been a troubled sleeper, If I get more then 4 hours of real sleep I consider myself lucky and most of the time I feel tired during the day, It usually takes me 3 hours to fall in sleep, and even then it is a really light sleep. The medicine gave me warm cosy feeling like just stepping out of warm bath and when I went to bed, I fell asleep and woke up 8 hours later feeling rested, and in state extreme relaxation, I did not notice any loss of hand eye coordination (could still beat friends on Xbox live with Halo) and my ability to concentrate seemed to be improving……so far so good
Meanwhile bellydancergirl’s relation turned ugly and abusive, and my assistance was needed , I slept a few night on her couch and helped her with getting a restraining order for the ex turned stalker, and pressing charges for partner abuse. Several friends complimented me on how calm and reasonably I was, and I was kind of wondering why I did not have a urge to do the ex-boyfriend any bodily harm, I am not a small guy and the other dude was what you expect from someone who needs to hit a girl.
Anyway two weeks later I went back to my doctor for a follow up and told him I that while I did not feel “happy” yet, I did feel rested and more serene….and was positive about it….but I was wondering why he had prescribed me something that the box described as a anti-psychotic.
The doctor almost had a fit, looked at his notes, and started apologising; apparently he had made a typo when filling out my prescription. He sheepish asked me if the voices in my head had stopped and gave me a two week prescription for something called seroxat,
The side effects of this medicine were a lot less pleasant, I got really nauseous, and a bit hyper….and…….
The TMI information Part
One of my coping mechanism for being alone was to masturbate twice daily, every morning and every night, but since I started taking Seroxat I have not been able to ejaculate, I read up on some forums where users complained about this, saying that it takes them a 30 minutes of concentrated effort to climax…….thing is it took me 30 minutes of concentrated effort to climax before I started taking the drugs…I have a strong erection that lasts but without relief its starts to hurt. The first week I tried and tried for hours, actually pulling muscles and blistering my fleshy parts, I have tried using porno, I have tried leaving it alone for a week, even thought of visiting a prostitute, but I had no Idea how to find a attractive one who I could be sure of that was not a junkie or forced into protection by a pimp….and I find the idea still kinda Icky…
I am now on week six with the new medicine and have appointment with the doctor this week, I hope he has suggestion how I can cope with this
But other than that, I feel a lot better
maybe it is the simple fact of taking a symbol of “wanting to be a better person” each morning, and maybe it is the medicine actually doing what it is supposed to do……I want to continue with it
the second week I started taking seroxat I had a real mood dip, the nausea and the not being able to find….euhm… release….put me back into the state of depression, I was warned that this might happen, I called in sick and started to wallow in self-pity (something I am really good at) after a few days of righteous wallowing, Bellydancergirl started calling me , and convinced me to take a shower and come over to her for the weekend, I did and she really lifted my mood, we bought a karaoke game, and a bottle of vodka and it was really great, I slept on her coach and went back to work on Monday, feeling like a new person, all bubbly and giggly….weird like…like I was….euhm …in love
We texted all week and I the next Friday I took her on a long series of fun activities, went back home (for my medicine) and after agreeing to meet for bagels for a morning date, another fun day. We went shopping, bought a bottle of really good tequila; I made my world famous children’s spaghetti (sweet and really messy), and just before we started on the booze, I gave her the “I really like you and you make me want to take my medication” speech……
that did not go as well as planned, she felt blindsided and it became awkward, all of a sudden, we started doing tequila shots, and eventually we started kissing……and that too did not go as well as planned …as stated earlier it has been a really long time since I had girl, almost ten years
And apparently I am a really bad kisser,
But it gets worse; also I am not a practised drinker, just before I passed out, I vomited most of my legendary children’s spaghetti all over her room
The morning after we both decided agreed that the last night never happened, and with tail between my legs I went home, we had a long scype phone call that night which was awkward and sweet at the same time. We played scrabble online
Its gets better
We kept texting, and calling, and scyping and facebooking and etc….we skipped face to face contact for a week,
and last weekend we had a perfect Sunday, breakfast, shopping, giant steak dinner and even a private dance workshop (apparently I am a really bad dancer as well) but it was one of the best days for me ever, we seemed to have regained some our chemistry and she was really flirty and fun, I choose to play it cool and consider part of her feminine prerogative to use her sensuality with out me jumping to conclusions about it.,
On the train home I phoned her and we had a really long talk about there being lots of different kinds of relations and how I had friend zoned myself, and she told me that the next time I saw I should ask her were we were………
So here I am, and weird thing is….I feel really okay, and am sure that some how every thing will work out for the best
If you made so far thanks for the attention,
and feel free to make jokes about the more embarrassing parts:)
